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(152 Posts)
YeahWhatevver Tue 25-Feb-20 08:26:57

My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago. Her estate is probably worth 200k, split 3 ways between my DM and her 2 sisters.

My DM has said all along that she and DF don't need the money, they're retired and are fairly open about how comfortable they are etc. They've said that DM's share would get split equally between me and DBro. ~35k each. I've not misunderstood this, it's been talked about several times between us all. DBro is planning on using it for a deposit to move house and we are going to put it into our mortgage.

Heard last night that DF and DM (DF mainly is suspect as he's a miserable old curmudgeon) have decided that they'd like a new car, a holiday of a life time and to do some home improvements and that they're not sure how much will be left to give us when all is done.

I know this isn't my money and that it's theirs to give but AIBU to be really gutted about this change of heart? DBro especially has had the rug pulled out from under him, he has 2 pre school kids and had really begun to think about a new bigger house, checking school catchments etc.

YouJustDoYou Tue 25-Feb-20 08:29:20

Never rely on any inheritance promises etc given by anyone unless you are expressly written into a will. Yes I can understand your disappointment, but it's their money to do with as they want and they are entitled to change their minds.

ButtonandPickle19 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:29:46

Yanbu to be feeling upset about it but it is their choice....

Newkitchen123 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:31:25

Their money
Their choice

Goldandgold Tue 25-Feb-20 08:33:30

I wouldn’t be able to not tell them how upset I was.

Clawdy Tue 25-Feb-20 08:35:41

I can see why they've had a chance of heart, and are planning on some good changes to their lives - we'd all love that as we grow older - but I agree it's a bit mean when they'd made promises to you and your brother.

bridgetreilly Tue 25-Feb-20 08:38:31

YANBU. I would actually have a conversation explaining to them how it has made you both feel that they would make that promise and then change their minds. I wouldn't be demanding the money or trying to change their minds, but I would definitely want to let them know that the way they have handled this has been really difficult for you both and you wish that they had never made the promises in the first place.

Notajogger Tue 25-Feb-20 08:39:53

They should not have told you you'd get it if there was a chance they'd change their minds. Emergencies like unexpected care fees is one thing. A new car is another!

PianoTuner567 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:41:35

It is their money but it’s a pretty mean thing to do when you’ve been making promises for six months.

OrangeCinnamon Tue 25-Feb-20 08:43:55

Life is a lot easier if you live it without any expectation of inheritance, it can cause bitterness and jealousy and seems to tear families apart if you go by Mumsnet threads. With an ageing population that needs care you can't count on anything really.

crazydiamond222 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:44:08

YANBU. Although they can choose what to do with their money it is cruel of them to promise something and then withdraw it for superflous reasons. My MIL is exactly the same, she will make promises and pretend to be generous and they never materialise. We have learnt just to ignore them.

Cremebrule Tue 25-Feb-20 08:44:19

They’ve handled it badly but what they’ve chosen to do with the money is pretty typical of people getting inheritance at their age. Really they should have never promised it to you and they must have had some idea they’d want to spend some.

Gatehouse77 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:46:06

YANBU to feel gutted about it.
You've had time to imagine and think about what you'd do and the consequential questions form that. I'd expect it's taken up a fair bit of headspace.

It is disappointing even when you have no issue with the change of plans.

Blackandgreenteas Tue 25-Feb-20 08:46:29

It is pretty mean, if they’d been saying different all along, but you can’t force them to give it to you.

I feel for your DB of course but i guess those who say “never rely on promises” are right.

Keeva2017 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:46:38

YANBU to be upset. They have been really thoughtless. Can’t imagine my parents doing this to me. Yes it’s their choice, of course it is, but that money sounds life changing for both you and your brother and your parents have been selfish by promising it and then taking it away.

I’d be gutted OP.

AJPTaylor Tue 25-Feb-20 08:48:41

They shouldn't have lead you on like that. I intend to split anything from my dmum 4 ways, a quarter each to me and my 3 dds. I would never tell them though cos circs might change

mantarays Tue 25-Feb-20 08:49:29

That’s crap, but it’s their money at the end of the day.

DingleberryRose Tue 25-Feb-20 08:51:53

YANBU to feel upset about it but it is what it is. Inheritance promises very rarely work out so they should never be relied on.

TalaxuArmiuna Tue 25-Feb-20 08:54:08

YANBU. Obviously your DP have every right to keep the money and fritter it away on luxuries like that. But telling you and DB you would be getting it, and then changing their minds, is really crap and selfish and mean. They should have kept their mouths shut if they weren't decided on what to do with the money.

Dowser Tue 25-Feb-20 08:54:25

Yes a promise is a promise..have they form for doing that.
To me this is two separate issues
Inheritance and a promise.
The inheritance is dealt with, split between your grans that’s a done deal.
Then comes the promise. You and your brother were promised that money.
That’s entirely different from inheritance.

I would have a conversation about the promise and about how much their about turn has hurt you.

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. You are always going to feel resentful that the people you loved and trusted would lead you up the garden path like that.
Surely their plans won’t burn up £70k
Maybe the car, holiday and improvements might come to £40k and you’ll get £15k each

Maybe they might split it three ways..£24k each
That would be the fairest way out of this unholy mess.

I hope. You can find a workable resolution that doesn’t sour your relationship for ever

LowbrowVictoriana Tue 25-Feb-20 08:54:38

Their money
Their choice

Missing the point spectacularly.
OP isn’t arguing that it’s not their money; nor is anyone else making that point. She was promised something, something that would have made a big positive difference to her (and her brother) but then the promise was reneged on.
It is unsurprising that she and her DBro would be disappointed and pissed off. I would be, too.

Cheeseandwin5 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:55:19

I would say whilst YANBU to be upset about their change of mind, as I am sure you had already earmarked the funds but I I think you have come across a bit grabby to be honest.
You and your DB should have suggested that they spend some of the money on themselves in the first place.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 25-Feb-20 08:56:18

YANBU too feel upset. Having that discussion with you and your DB was a huge mistake and they should at the very least acknowledge that!

I really feel for your DB, he must feel like he has been had a life changing experience snatched out of his hands. I can only imagine that, no matter that he money is/was not his, he will find it difficult to forgive your DPs for snatching that better life away from his kids!

Dowser Tue 25-Feb-20 08:56:58

Agree ajp, I never promise anything I can’t deliver

mantarays Tue 25-Feb-20 08:57:14

Also, I really don’t see why your parents shouldn’t have a holiday of a lifetime or home improvements. What are they, 60? They have plenty of life to live. It’s a shame they spoke too soon but they are entitled to change their minds.

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