To be fucking sick of my toilet phobia. (tmi)

[fuckingshittoilets]

I'm currently sat in my best friends guest room on the verge of tears - I can't fucking do this.
I suffer from toilet phobia - the fear of going to a bathroom with other people in the house, or of other people knowing what i'm doing, etc.
I have held it in for two weeks now, and it's making me painfully constipated and i can barely fucking sit down or walk.
I always wait for DH to get out of the house to go, i haven't told him.
I have panic attacks over it. Toilet phobia is the bane of my existence.
My Best friends house has shitty paper thin walls and there are currently other guests over in the living room. I am bursting and my heart is pounding in anxiety.
it's humiliating and it started when I was in high school because of the girls in the bathroom pounding on the cubicle door, listening to you and making jokes etc
some days it honestly makes me want to kill myself, I wish there was more awareness.
I am a 37 year old woman. I want a DD but my mind is constantly taken up my fear of going to the toilet.
Some days I have considered asking for a fucking colostomy bag as I feel that would be better
I know that everybody does it, but that just makes it even worse. What in the fuck do i do now. Please help MN.

[fuckingshittoilets]

I can plan out when I go to the toilet for days - I was planning to go to her house, wait until midnight, and then go. But i can't fucking wait any longer.
Her bathroom is right next to the living room too. They'll all hear.

[fuckingshittoilets]

I also struggle with going out in public. I get scared in case I might need to go, one of my biggest fears are public toilets.

[DillyDilly]

You’ve probably tried before but would you run the tap to create sound.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Put toilet paper down the loo, run the tap and wait in there until the smell has gone (if that wouldn't be too conspicuous)
I get it, I have been like this when I was younger but this is extreme and you must conquer it.
Do you have perfume or deodorant you can take in with you in case there is no spray?

[HappyHammy]

Oh sweetie, you're making yourself ill.you staying at your friends house or just there for the evening. Go and ask your friend to come for a private talk, explain the situation and she will help you. Do you have your own house you can get to.

[MordredsOrrery]

I have no advice but a handhold for you . I had a similar (but not as severe) fear many years ago and it took a long time to find a way around it.

Are toy starting with your friend for long? Can you get home?

[Star81]

You poor thing. I think toilet embarrassment is very common but yours does seem very out of control. Have you thought of seeking counselling ?

[LillyBugg]

I think you need some help with this OP. Could you brave a GP visit? You can self refer for online CBT which take a lot of embarrassment out of the situation.

Sorry it's like this for you

[fuckingshittoilets]

@codenamevillanelle, I would do that but I live in a place with very small pipes, it would clog it I've done the tap but the anxiety doesn't go

[sittingonacornflake]

Any quiet public loos nearby you could use?

[gamerchick]

Ah OP, you know you have to go. Run the tap and flush immediately after going while you're still sat there as it takes most of the smell. Then wipe while it's flushing/filling back up. Or Flush the chain and then go.

Please please visit your GP and get this sorted out before you do some damage to yourself. There might be a therapy out there to try.

[fuckingshittoilets]

Thank you for the support. I'm too embarrassed to go to a doctor as I don't think i'd know how to explain it really without sounding pathetic. I'm going home tomorrow.

[BooFuckingHoo2]

Do it when you’re “in the shower” so put the shower on and it will mask the noise and smell. Also take a lighter or match which will remove the smell (burns the methane).

[HappyHammy]

You cant keep holding it in, your friend will understand. Is there a window in the loo you can open or take some spray. Take some deep breaths, you will be fine, we are here if you need us. Can you play some music through your phone.

[fuckingshittoilets]

Before I go home though she's planned this big shopping trip for the whole group - I won't go in the morning either as everybody will be more awake etc and wanting to go too.

[Oysterbabe]

Go in and make a little toilet roll sling to hide the splash. Run the tap. Just get it over with. You'll be OK and feel so much better
Honestly no one cares if you have a shit, they really don't. They won't be paying attention, they won't know, care or give it a second thought I promise.

[fuckingshittoilets]

Another part of my anxiety is if somebody will walk in on me too. There's around 6 people, including me. All sat chatting in the living room.

[HappyHammy]

Your gp will understand, it's not pathetic at all, it's a real worry for you which you can get help with. Constipation is not good for your body and it sounds very uncomfortable.

[ladyvimes]

I have anxiety and find sometimes rationalising the worst scenario helps, so..
Why is it so awful if someone hears you going to the toilet? We all do it!
What’s the worst that could happen? You go for a wee. People hear. That’s it!! No one will care!

[fuckingshittoilets]

do you know what a gp would do, anybody? what can they do to help this

[fuckingshittoilets]

I wish they'd leave early already.

[Kwkwjwkek]

Just curious, how do you hold in a poo? Do you have accidents?

I think you need professional help- therapy

[jannika]

Talk to your GP and ask for a referral for psychological therapy to help with this (unless you can afford this privately). CBT or EMDR would help.

[Curiosity101]

I don't think i'd know how to explain it really without sounding pathetic

^^ This is your own opinion of it. No one, especially a medical professional, will think any worse of you for it. A phobia is a phobia, please seek help to overcome this issue. You could make yourself really unwell.

As others have said, go for a 'shower' or run the tap and put the tiniest bit of toilet paper down the toilet in advance. It doesn't have to be a lot. Also... and I know this probably wont be super helpful but keep telling yourself that if anyone heard you... it's not a problem, no one will give it a second thought.

[boats]

Have you noticed anyone else going to the loo while you've been there? I bet you haven't, so why would you think they'd notice it from you?