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AIBU?

Is my sister unreasonable?

167 replies

newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 19:22

A man who I grew up with suddenly passed away at the beginning of the year. My older sister is best friends with said mans sister. He was only in his early 30’s and as a result didn’t have any life insurance. His family aren’t high earners so were understandably worried about how they were going to pay for the funeral. My sister (which I thought was a lovely idea) decided to start a fundraiser on Facebook so that people could donate money towards the cost of his funeral if they wanted to. A lot of friends and people of the community donated including myself, although I only donated £30 as that’s all I could afford. He was a very popular and much loved man and they raised just over 6k in total which covered all of it.

The family were very grateful for the help and he had a lovely send off. My sister, for some reason struggled to get the money at first as it took over two weeks for it to go into her account (not sure why Facebook held onto it but she managed to sort it in the end). The money all went into different bank accounts including her personal account, savings account, isa account and our dads account. She gathered all the money together and gave it to the family. They took just over 5k off her and said that’s all they needed and told her she could keep the rest as a thank you which was around £700-800 give or take. She’s put it into her savings account.

I went to visit her yesterday for a quick catch up and the conversation came up as I asked if she had sorted out the money yet and she told me all of this. AIBU to think this is just wrong? I appreciate she didn’t ask for the money and the family offered it to her but I find it awful that people have donated their hard earned cash (including myself) probably when they were all skint themselves and she’s kept some of it. I’m sure people will call me jealous which is absolutely not the case, I love my sister and I think what she did was lovely and very thoughtful but I just don’t agree with it. It feels really wrong to me that she has benefitted from other people’s money and I think giving it to a charity would have been better personally or maybe organising some sort of gathering/party in our friends name.

As far as I know she has only told me about this and I wonder if it’s because she knows people wouldn’t be very happy about it. It really has made me think twice about donating to these sorts of fundraisers now.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:

Report

MairzyDoats · 23/02/2020 19:26

I completely agree with you. It should go to a charity. I'd be very unhappy if I'd donated to the funeral and discovered that some of the money had gone into a third party's bank account. It seems dishonest.

LIZS · 23/02/2020 19:27

People gave it in good faith. Charity or some sort of memorial (bench or similar) would be more appropriate.

AbbieLexie · 23/02/2020 19:27

Wrong wrong wrong. Horrified at what your sister has done.

Jupiters · 23/02/2020 19:27

I agree with you, the extra should be donated to charity.

Elllicam · 23/02/2020 19:28

I’d be angry if I had donated.

TheTrollFairy · 23/02/2020 19:29

As above, I would be annoyed if it ended up in someone else’s account to be spent. I would be fine if it went to the family - eg, left a wife and kids.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/02/2020 19:29

Absolutely awful. Can’t believe she’s kept it.

How did it end up in all of those accounts and not just one?!

bigchris · 23/02/2020 19:30

She didn't keep the money, they gave it to her though

And if they family didn't have use of it it was up to them to decide what to do with the extra money

Madre1972 · 23/02/2020 19:30

Wow, so wrong. She’s actually gained money by deception- intended or not. She should give the cash to the family- there are many things they could chose to do with it in the man’s memory.

TitianaTitsling · 23/02/2020 19:30

As pp how did it go into so many accounts?!

hammeringinmyhead · 23/02/2020 19:30

It should go to a charity related to his cause of death. I think the family should have taken all of the money and donated it themselves.

Frenchw1fe · 23/02/2020 19:31

Morally I think this is wrong.
Legally I just don't know.

MinistryOfTragic · 23/02/2020 19:32

I'm also horrified and could not have kept a penny of that money. I'd do some sort of memorial with it and donate the rest to any charity related to how he passed away.

bigchris · 23/02/2020 19:32

@Madre1972 she did give it to the family ! They decided to give her the leftover back ! It wasn't her decision!

DrManhattan · 23/02/2020 19:32

What a mean thing to do.

Makes you wonder why she offered in the first place ..... (dollar sign emoji x 1000)

BadCatDirtyCat · 23/02/2020 19:33

YANBU - she should give it to charity (I'd suggest one meaningful to the deceased man/his family)

Spied · 23/02/2020 19:33

It should have stayed within the family.
I'd be very annoyed.

Janus · 23/02/2020 19:34

I imagine the family aren’t really thinking straight so thought she’d do something relevant with the rest. For example, if he died of cancer give to cancer research, or anything that’s relevant. Is there a way you can suggest this to your sister? There’s no way she should just keep it herself.

Drum2018 · 23/02/2020 19:34

I'd be raging. Fair enough the family didn't need it all and they were very gracious to decline the excess amount, but the excess amount should go to charity - be that a charity related to the mans cause of death, or another charity chosen by the family. I never, ever donate to Facebook fundraisers and reading this I am now glad I don't.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 23/02/2020 19:34

She's profited from her friends death! I can understand the family only taking what they needed but the remainder should be donated to charity in the deceased name, there's bound to be a charity for or related to whatever the cause of death was.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/02/2020 19:34

@Madre1972 she did give it to the family ! They decided to give her the leftover back ! It wasn't her decision!

Er, no, she only gave them 5k because they told her to keep the rest. I would have just transferred it all, not gone "Oh, cool" and stashed it!!

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 23/02/2020 19:35

Awful... and illegal

Tombakersscarf · 23/02/2020 19:35

Did you tell her you thought this was wrong?

newyorkcheeseecake · 23/02/2020 19:35

I believe the reason why the money went into different accounts is because she set up her personal account and when the money didn't come through she panicked (it kept on saying failed or something along those lines) so she tried a few different accounts including our dads to see if it would come through to one of them. I do believe that was genuine and I don't think she intentionally set it up to make money as she gave it all to them, they just didn't need it.

I probably would have insisted though or just given it to a charity personally. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right with me but there's not really anything that I can do now plus I wouldn't want to get her into trouble anyway.

OP posts:

multivac · 23/02/2020 19:35

It's a clear breach of the terms and conditions attached to a Facebook fundraiser:

You must use Donations for the stated purpose of your fundraiser. You are liable to Donors for any misleading fundraisers or misuse of funds.

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