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My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

(363 Posts)
concerned90 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:18:22

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

Purplewithred Sun 23-Feb-20 18:20:51

Is Dave a member of your team? does his work (or lack of it) have any impact on your ability to do your job? are you his manager?

Stickybeaksid Sun 23-Feb-20 18:20:58

Can you not google the death notice? Do you have death notices in the UK?

Darbs76 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:21:39

That’s awful. What does he intend to do when his dad eventually does die? Is the manager aware of all the new info? I’d report it all up to the manager

QueenofallIsee Sun 23-Feb-20 18:21:53

I think Dave is a nasty bullshitter but you don’t have much but hearsay to go on - You’ve mentioned it to the manager and I’m not sure what else you can do confused. Now that you’ve mentioned your concerns perhaps your management is planning to quietly gather evidence of a pattern of absence without any reason?

myusernamewastakenbyme Sun 23-Feb-20 18:23:18

I'd have to say something...I can't stand liars...What an evil thing to lie about aswell...take it as high as you can Op x

Theukisgreatt Sun 23-Feb-20 18:24:09

I agree it sounds like Dave has lied and it would probably do some Facebook detective work. I would only mention it to my manager if I had proof though. Some people will say it isn't your business but I disagree. People taking the mick impact on everybody, from picking up work to reworked policies.

SudokuQueen Sun 23-Feb-20 18:24:09

I wouldn't say a thing to be honest. Who knows if he is lying or not? Leave it your manager.

Theukisgreatt Sun 23-Feb-20 18:24:43

Often posted on newspaper websites @Stickybeaksid

concerned90 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:24:41

I have checked the death notices for where his father lived (lives?!) and there's nothing for that last name. We know they have the same last name because of his mother being on facebook. The manager only knows about the weird Facebook stuff, not the conversation that happened this weekend.

Goinglive Sun 23-Feb-20 18:24:50

I'm a bit torn on this one

As someone who lost their dad, I was so consumed by grief and loss, I find it repugnant that someone would make it up and quite hurtful.

But I suppose its nothing to do with you as such, it's just a disgusting way to behave.

concerned90 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:26:19

@Purplewithred yes he's in my team. His general inability to do his job without the supposed death of his father has made a lot of people's working life a nightmare.

Tessaraqt Sun 23-Feb-20 18:26:19

I think I'd probably stay quiet, knowing that when his dad DOES actually die, he won't get the big extended time off then.

L1appelDuVide Sun 23-Feb-20 18:26:38

He sounds like he’s been a piss taker in the past but there’s nothing in your post to suggest that Dave’s father hasn’t died. I’ve often shared things on Facebook about my life and kids but you’ll not see anything about my mother’s death and someone posting to give their condolences would’ve made me very uncomfortable indeed.

I think OP, if you’re not his manager, you really should let this pass you by because you could be treading on very tricky ground, especially if you’ve already suggested to your employers that Dave’s Dad isn’t dead. It could be seen as bullying in the workplace.

Glitteryone Sun 23-Feb-20 18:27:50

I had to sack someone who done this in my workplace. It was deemed as gross misconduct.

coconuttelegraph Sun 23-Feb-20 18:28:10

Dave sounds like a Billy bullshitter which in every place I've worked would piss everyone off and would definitely be a topic of conversation. On MN I've noticed though you're meant to ignore it if it doesn't directly impact on your job, you aren't allowed to be annoyed or think it unfair it seems

TSSDNCOP Sun 23-Feb-20 18:28:30

Unless you’re wrong OP.

In which case the above advice will be spectacularly ill-advised.

SudokuQueen Sun 23-Feb-20 18:28:40

Plus yeah as others have pointed, if he's lying, when his dad does die, he's fucked. It will be confirmed then, unless he quits his job before then.

MaxNormal Sun 23-Feb-20 18:29:14

He's lying and taking the piss, I don't know why anyone thinks he isn't. I would say something, it's a disgusting thing to lie about.

concerned90 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:29:25

I know I need to tread carefully. We have no hard evidence either way. I suppose we will need to see a photo of his father with today's newspaper on!

RandomMess Sun 23-Feb-20 18:29:35

I would report it. You have a generous bereavement policy and he has abused it. Surely misconduct perhaps even gross misconduct?

He is costing the business money in lost working days why is that ok?

Newschapter Sun 23-Feb-20 18:29:49

What would your reason for reporting it be?

Does his absence from work have a knock on effect on you? Or would it just be for malice?

Whilst I would find the lies disgusting (particularly about a loved ones death) you need to ask yourself why you're so invested.

Rose789 Sun 23-Feb-20 18:30:16

I would wait until Dave is in a meeting and without his phone for a few hours and post a condolence message so he can’t delete it before people see it.
From what you’ve said he is clearly lying about a truest awful thing

TSSDNCOP Sun 23-Feb-20 18:30:22

Surely only if you’ve got solid gold proof Max?

Cornettoninja Sun 23-Feb-20 18:30:42

It’s a tough one. If he is telling the truth and is interrogated and asked to provide evidence how bloody awful would that be? I can imagine managers not wanting to touch that one with a barge pole.

Tbh he should have been pulled up after the previous FB post contradicting himself so I don’t have much faith in your management team broaching this either.

On balance I would stay out of it as an equal colleague and as a manager I would be taking HR and independent legal advice because that is not an accusation you want to bring up ignorant.

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