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I have four children aged between 12 and 19

(39 Posts)
Larcombe3 Sat 22-Feb-20 12:25:54

The older two are in University and College. They both don't work or choose not to get a little job . Me and my husband work every week up to 65 hours . I've suggested that my older daughters get a job to help with there funds . But they say no I'm feeling fed up as I do everything in the house . They don't ask for money as they have student Grant's which they buy their stuff that they need .

covetingthepreciousthings Sat 22-Feb-20 12:28:02

* I've suggested that my older daughters get a job to help with there funds . But they say no I'm feeling fed up as I do everything in the house*

This seems like two seperate issues. If they're are college / uni, are they still living at home? Or is this because DH doesn't pull his weight around the house with housework?

Waxonwaxoff0 Sat 22-Feb-20 12:30:50

If they're not asking you for money then what's the problem?

By doing everything in the house do you mean housework, cooking, washing? They should be doing chores at least.

AmazingGreats Sat 22-Feb-20 12:31:00

It's just the way it is in life that if your family don't have much money then you have to contribute sooner. Like obviously if you were really flush they wouldn't be getting their student money you'd be expected to support them. I wouldn't ask kids that age to pay towards the home if I could AFFORD for them not to, but I would if I did need them to IYSWIM so if that little bit of money they might be able to help with would make a big difference then I think it's entirely reasonable to ask for it. They'd have to pay a lot more if not living at home.

zafferana Sat 22-Feb-20 12:32:15

If you're fed up with them doing nothing around the house then make it a condition of their continuing to live with you that they pull their weight and clean up after themselves. Think about what you'd like them to do and then discuss it with them and come to an agreement. Their working (or not) is a separate issue and if they don't need to and are busy with school/uni work then I don't think that's unreasonable. However, it's advisable to do some work experience during the long summer holidays and will make them a lot more employable when they finish education.

Emmelina Sat 22-Feb-20 12:33:30

If they’re living at home and not contributing financially, the least they could do is their own laundry and whipping the hoover round.

MissMogwai Sat 22-Feb-20 12:35:14

They should be helping out whether they ask for money or not. You all live there, and everyone's old enough to do their bit.

Don't be a martyr. Discuss it with the family and decide who's doing what. If they don't want to, then the older DC can move out and see how they get on.

I have a partner and a 16 year old DD at home. I work full time and there's no chance I'm doing all the housework and cooking - so I don't. Everyone does their bit.

Whynosnowyet Sat 22-Feb-20 12:37:17

My older dd went to uni. Didn't cost me a penny.
She had a pt job and student grant. Lived at home and most def pulled her weight...

Nofunkingworriesmate Sat 22-Feb-20 12:38:38

Everyone who lives there needs to pull their weight
A student grant will still mean they leave uni 30 k in debt do a job or internship should be something they are doing

GrumpyHoonMain Sat 22-Feb-20 12:47:03

If they live with you they should do the chores if not pay their way. It’s not fair to use your house like a hotel.

adaline Sat 22-Feb-20 12:56:08

This is two separate issues.

I wouldn't expect students to pay rent really, but if they're living at home then they should be helping around the house.

Why are you doing everything?

bugbhaer Sat 22-Feb-20 12:59:14

Do you feel that your first post is lacking lots of important detail?

AmelieTaylor Sat 22-Feb-20 12:59:16

Why did you bring them up not to care for their environment? Or to cook?

I’d have to be very desperate for money to ask them to contribute financially, but as far as mucking in around the house, it would definitely be expected by their age, so starting much earlier is the way to go about it. Get them ALL doing some.including DH.

DishingOutDone Sat 22-Feb-20 12:59:59

So are they living at home and studying locally? Interested to see how this plays out as my youngest DD aged 16 has a weekend job that pays for things like clothes etc., but we pay for everything else. If she stayed at home for uni I'd expect her simply not to claim the maintenance grant but rather continue her job, maintain the status quo as it were. Otherwise surely you are just borrowing money for the sake of it? Older DD goes to uni 120 miles away so she does have the student maintenance loan and when she comes home she does her little job here and helps a bit with housework. I do still pay for everything when she's here though apart from clothes, although sometimes I'd buy her shoes or a coat, essentials ifyswim.

My younger DD is not great with housework but if I ask her to do something, she eventually does it, after a fashion. Bit like H hmm

But you are trying to support 4 children so I reckon that changes the dynamic.

NearlyGranny Sat 22-Feb-20 13:03:13

They need to pull their weight or at least make sure they aren't adding to your load. If you feed them with the family - and I would and did - they need to pitch in with the prep and/or clear up, ideally one each. If you do their laundry and clean their rooms, just stop. If they strew their stuff in family areas, get a big IKEA recycling box, put it outside the back door and bundle it all in. Streamline and simplify what is left for you to do. Your youngest is 12, so the two younger ones ideally could pitch in a bit more to even the load, if they aren't already.

You're a family and that means teamwork and nobody sitting down until everything is done.

TheMustressMhor Sat 22-Feb-20 13:07:40

I don't understand.

If your older DC are not asking for money from you, why does it matter if they have part-time jobs or not?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable Sat 22-Feb-20 13:11:04

Your issue is the housework, not money or whether or not they have jobs. Draw up a rota for the chores - adults should all do equal amounts, children less. Make sure everyone pulls their weight.

TatianaLarina Sat 22-Feb-20 13:13:31

There are two different issues paid and domestic work.

They need to contribute to the domestic work as they would if they were in their own student digs.

If they don’t, they can always find their own accommodation.

Trahira Sat 22-Feb-20 13:15:47

I agree with other posters, the key issue here is that they need to pull their weight with household chores.

AutumnRose1 Sat 22-Feb-20 13:25:30

"I'm feeling fed up as I do everything in the house"

that's not on, if they live there, they should at least be doing their own chores.

WeirdAndPissedOff Sat 22-Feb-20 13:26:30

Are they both full time?
If so, I do think YABU as they aren't asking for any money, and will have studying and additional work on top of their hours in college or uni. Working on top of this could put their studies at risk, and is likely to cause a lot of resentment further down the line.
If you are really struggling for money, however, then I can understand. However I would look through everything else first and only ask as a last resort.
You say you and DH work up to 65 hours - I presume 65 hours each? If so then taking on additional work isnt feasible. If 65 hours between you, then upping hours if possible is one option.
Can your budget be lowered at all? Any expenses or luxuries that can be cut out, bills that can be lowered or negotiated, or debts that you can get advice on? This would include your older daughters cutting back, of course.

If they are part time, then it's fair to expect them to take on a part-time job and contribute financially.
If you're subsidising them directly (fees, spending money etc) then I also think it's fair to ask them to contribute.

Regardless of all the above, you shouldn't be doing all the housework etc. At 12 and older, each member of the house is capable of taking on an almost equal share of the load - the older two and DH can also cook. I'd split it based on available time- if one person is working or studying a lot more hours then it's fair to let them take on a much smaller portion of the load, but even so everyone should be expected to pull their weight.

Quartz2208 Sat 22-Feb-20 13:35:41

Its really hard to say

They should be doing some chores yes
It is not their responsibilty to fund you
get your husband to help more

TheABC Sat 22-Feb-20 13:36:15

To echo the others on here: draw up a chore chart - including meal prep! At 12-19, these are essential life skills and your DH should be setting an example too. You should be doing no more than 2 meals a week and definitely 1/6 of the chores. My 6 and 3 year old with setting the table and folding away clothes, so your teenagers can do it too.

Secondly, the eldest students don't need to get a job, but they should be aware of budgeting and household costs, if only so it's not a shock when they do move out. Sit down each month and run through the figures with them. Or get them to research the cost of living away from home. If nothing else, it will focus their minds on getting good qualifications (and therefore jobs) to fund the lifestyle they want.

FoamingAtTheUterus Sat 22-Feb-20 13:43:35

My 18 year old ds still lives at home. He has significant disabilities but still cooks for the family and himself, does his own washing, keeps his room tidy and has jobs that are his responsibility such as taking the recycling and bins out and helping to strip the beds.

You really shouldn't be running round after any kids at that age. If they want food, clean clothes and a nice room that smells nice then it's their job to make sure that happens. I include the younger two in that as well.

TatianaLarina Sat 22-Feb-20 13:49:43

Also why are you doing everything in the house? What does your DH contribute to the domestic chores? You’re both working.

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