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BIL asking for money for nephew’s birthday instead of a gift, AIBU?

(108 Posts)
Rightmovestalker Fri 21-Feb-20 23:50:31

We aren’t close and don’t see a lot of them, maybe twice a year but Dh and I make an effort for birthday/xmas presents, which AFAIK are well received.

This year dh’s brother sent us a message saying “please give cash this year so nephew can get something he likes” with a link to donate. There was no text or preamble or note saying “buy a present if you’d prefer” and it feels a bit rude. AIBU? Nephew is 14 and previous presents have included Adidas tops, Amazon vouchers.

YABU = completely acceptable of BIL, fair enough
YANBU = cheeky, rude

Hoik Fri 21-Feb-20 23:54:23

At 14 there is probably some big ticket item that he wants and is hoping to put birthday money towards it. If it was me I honestly couldn't bring myself to be offended by it, giving cash is much easier than organising a gift and at least I know it would be going towards something he wants.

KellyHall Fri 21-Feb-20 23:56:25

It would have been nice for him to make the request a bit more fluffy and nice but I agree with the sentiment. Maybe he just doesn't need anything, especially this soon after Christmas, maybe he's become really awkward to buy for, maybe he wants to pool the money to buy a new games console.

If you don't know them that well then maybe you'll never know the reason. I'd far rather give money and know they'll end up with something they want rather than spend my own money and time getting something they might not.

Tartyflette Fri 21-Feb-20 23:59:41

I think it would have been nice if he had told tou his DS wanted the cash to put towards, eg, some sports or tech equipment. .
Otherwise it just sounds s bit grabby.

ineedaholidaynow Sat 22-Feb-20 00:02:56

Teenagers usually prefer money as they saving for something specific.

You maybe could have been told in a better way, but if you aren't close I wouldn't think too much about it.

imcold Sat 22-Feb-20 00:04:21

This is unbelievably rude. My eldest just turned 16 and if people asked I said he would prefer money but if they didn't ask I wouldn't have dreamed of messaging people asking for money!
Surely most people give teenagers money/vouchers anyway!!!

PhilomenaChristmasPie Sat 22-Feb-20 00:06:40

DD 12 bought a Switch with her Christmas money last year. Seems sensible.

SallySun123 Sat 22-Feb-20 00:15:05

I wonder if nephew asked BIL to send the message. He’s probably saving for something expensive for his birthday. I wouldn’t be offended.

Scoobydoobywho Sat 22-Feb-20 00:17:56

Not a problem with asking for money, but a tad rude with how it was done.

Redshoeblueshoe Sat 22-Feb-20 00:19:58

I love giving cash. You don't need to worry if it's the wrong style/shape/size/taste/colour

HoomanMoomin Sat 22-Feb-20 00:20:26

My DS is turning 15 soon and his birthday list included one thing - money. I understand and agree that it’s rude, but if I get any questions about what he wants, I will say money. With explanation, that this is what he asked for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TeeniefaeTroon Sat 22-Feb-20 00:23:01

Seems fair enough to ask for money at that age, however, I'd put the cash in a card and not donate via the link.

strawberrylipgloss Sat 22-Feb-20 00:34:37

The text sounds rude but my similar aged kids would want cash.
Sometimes there isn't something that they want immediately but having cash means if they see something that they like then they can use the cash to buy what they like.
Alternatively they can combine cash from different people to buy one expensive item

TheTeenageYears Sat 22-Feb-20 00:51:11

Not the way to ask but it totally makes sense particularly as it really is just such a waste to receive something you don’t really want. At that age my son and daughter both said to me they didn’t even want me to buy a few little things to wrap up as it’s just more ‘stuff’ lying around.

It’s a lot less effort/stressful just giving money and if that’s what someone will appreciate then it’s a win/win.

HoHoHolly Sat 22-Feb-20 00:57:13

It was done rudely so YANBU. However by 14 I'd definitely be asking if he'd rather have a gift, cash or any particular vouchers.

Daftodil Sat 22-Feb-20 00:58:08

The text is rude and abrupt and would probably annoy me coming from someone I see twice a year! But... rudeness is coming from BIL and his poorly executed request, not your nephew.

Nephew isn't unreasonable to want to get a particular bigger item rather than tops or books or whatever else usually comes his way. And the text isn't implying that your nephew didn't like YOUR gifts. It seems like a generic text sent to all, so perhaps he has 12 other aunties all buying him lynx sets that he'd rather put a stop to).

MuddlingMackem Sat 22-Feb-20 01:00:19

I've voted YABU as he's not unreasonable to ask for cash, but he was rather rude to be so blunt, and it would have been nice to say what he wants the money for. DC2 has started saving birthday and Christmas money some years for expensive items, but when family ask what she'd like we'd say 'she'd really like money towards xxxx'.

ittakes2 Sat 22-Feb-20 01:06:52

I think he is being rude but at the same time at this age it’s better to give money. My son loves Nike kit and Nike hoodies - my generous b’n’law bought him a luminous blue Nike track suit that my son was gratious about but we both know he will never wear. It’s too tricky to buy clothes for this age group, the size, the fit, the colour has to be right not just the ‘right’ label. But considering how rude your b’n’law was I would be tempted to stop presents!

grandmasterstitch Sat 22-Feb-20 01:29:57

We aren't so blunt but for my DS 1st and 2nd birthdays we asked for money to go towards something specific. If course we also said presents are not expected but most people will bring something to a birthday party and I couldn't face mountains of toys that he won't play with and we don't have room for.

So to sum up I don't think your BIL IBU

Dellow Sat 22-Feb-20 01:55:17

Very rude in the way it was requested so I would normally say ‘book voucher in card it is!’ - if it weren’t for the fact that money probably IS better for a teenager ....

katy1213 Sat 22-Feb-20 02:03:57

Very rude and it would put me off giving anything at all. Hope you get a thank you letter for all these gifts - and that it isn't as curt than this demand. As it's from an in-law, I'd leave your husband to deal with his rude family in future.

Streamingbannersofdawn Sat 22-Feb-20 02:07:43

Some people aren't that great with words...I always give my niece and nephew money. I don't see them a lot and wouldn't have the faintest idea what they are into. As long as they know I thought of them and can get something they would like thats all that matters.

My own DS was 16 this year and asked for money...great...he's had a great time shopping for himself and choosing stuff I never would have!

redcarbluecar Sat 22-Feb-20 02:08:21

I think it’s completely reasonable (although a shame if tone came across as rude- is there a chance it wasn’t meant to?) I’d much rather give money than a possibly unwanted gift. I had no idea what to get my nephews when they were 14!

Sobeyondthehills Sat 22-Feb-20 02:29:23

Sometimes money is easier. DS is lego mad, but for some stupid reason my family refuse to buy it for him, so he now just wants money so he can buy it himself and tbh that is far easier than trying to find something that he doesn't really want but my family will buy him

Topseyt Sat 22-Feb-20 02:37:29

I think giving money is the best thing really.

The text was tactlessly and abruptly worded, but the request to give cash is fine. I really wouldn't bother getting het up over it.

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