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Just lost it with my mum

(114 Posts)
Sofeckingangry Fri 21-Feb-20 18:56:27

Hi all
I've name changed for this thread and would really appreciate some feedback as I am just so angry at the moment.
My DM is a fairly toxic person - if anything happens she will immediately feel personally slighted. For example she talks about suing doctors or the council on a regular basis.
While I was growing up she was always making digs about my weight. She even asked my headteacher at primary school to embarrass me in front of the whole school at assembly for the number of puddings I ate. She doesn't remember this but that feeling of total humiiation has stayed with me forever (I'm in my 40s).
Anyway, the comments have continued but I have learned to ignore ignore ignore. My DH is lovely and has never once made me feel fat or ugly and I have been a size 10 and also a size 16. I am probably a 12 to 14 at the moment.
Tonight she popped round (she lives a mile away) and while we were eating she said to my DS 14 'wow, you almost need a bra'. I just lost it and shouted at her to get out of my house and that this was unacceptable.I think I also told her that she was a terrible parent. I did shout and I know I shouldn't have (I am in no way a shouty person normally) but she left saying that unless I apologised she would never speak to me again.
I don't want to apologise but perhaps I overreacted. It wouldn't massively bother me if I went NC with her (she can call my DSs no issues with that at all) but perhaps she is the one who should say sorry.
I'd appreciate your thoughts.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson Fri 21-Feb-20 19:00:23

Yanbu, the only thing you'd be unreasonable about is to allow her to keep in contact with your dcs if she won't acknowledge that she was out of order. Unless she gets it she'll keep making similar comments and they'll end up feeling as shit about themselves as you did as a child.

Probably didn't cover yourself in glory by losing your temper so spectacularly but I understand why you did.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson Fri 21-Feb-20 19:02:16

And if it opens discussions you could apologise for losing your temper but reiterate that you will NEVER put up with her body shaming you or your children again and that if she does you will go NC / LC depending on his strongly you feel

Topseyt Fri 21-Feb-20 19:02:28

Don't apologise. I don't think you overreacted. Sounds like she has had that coming for a long time.

If going no contact or low contact wouldn't bother you as you say then do that.

MinistryOfTragic Fri 21-Feb-20 19:02:44

I would not be contacting her again unless she apologised for her disgusting behaviour. Yanbu. At all.

AnduinsGirl Fri 21-Feb-20 19:03:47

That's a shitty, cruel thing for her to have said. As someone whose grandma made similar remarks, I can tell you they never, ever leave you. She sounds totally awful and I definitely wouldn't be apologising. Besides, I have zero time for adults who threaten to "never speak to" other adults again. They're usually self-absorbed, weak, unpleasant types.

BackOnThatRollerCoaster Fri 21-Feb-20 19:03:56

Good for you, calling her out on that disgraceful comment. If she has got to this age and STILL thinks degrading kids is fine then maybe someone should have shouted at her years ago.
Let's hope she at last gets the point!

Comtesse Fri 21-Feb-20 19:05:17

She told your son he almost needed a bra? GET OUT indeed. Yanbu. I don’t think you need to back down. She is bang out of line. Proud of you for standing up for your children flowers

Didntwanttochangemyname Fri 21-Feb-20 19:05:42

I don't think you've got anything to apologise for. Good on you for standing up to a bully and showing your DC that even if it's a family member they should not have to accept that sort of behaviour.
Explain the situation to your DC so they understand, have a glass of wine and be proud of yourself.

drogon1 Fri 21-Feb-20 19:05:54

You did the right thing. As you know these things haunt you forever and especially when heard at such an impressionable age. My dad used to "joke" calling me fatty as a kid and I honestly believe it is the stemming reason I spent the ages of 17-31 battling an eating disorder.

Is your DS ok?

katy1213 Fri 21-Feb-20 19:06:33

I wouldn't apologise. Let her make the first move - and make it clear that you expect the apology. If you end up going low/zero contact, doesn't sound like you'll miss her in-put into your family.

amusedbush Fri 21-Feb-20 19:07:43

Don’t apologise - it doesn’t sound like it would be a huge loss if she stopped speaking to you. Sometimes the trash takes itself out 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheBigFatMermaid Fri 21-Feb-20 19:08:59

She even asked my headteacher at primary school to embarrass me in front of the whole school at assembly for the number of puddings I ate. She doesn't remember this but that feeling of total humiiation has stayed with me forever (I'm in my 40s).

Did the headteacher actually do this?

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord Fri 21-Feb-20 19:09:27

I’d have done the same if that were me, op. You were standing up for your son and that’s what mums are supposed to do.

MashedPotatoBrainz Fri 21-Feb-20 19:13:16

She said that if you don't apologise she'll never speak to you again? I'd take her up on that.

DoesItGetAnyBetter Fri 21-Feb-20 19:16:54

High five OP.

Who the hell does she think she is? You did the right thing and stood up for your son.

Toxic people need eliminating.

Ouchaheadinmybehind Fri 21-Feb-20 19:18:32

Wow-poor DS!
Good for you. You did not overreact at all.
She is the one who should apologise.

Ughmaybenot Fri 21-Feb-20 19:19:53

I don’t think you overreacted, good on you for standing up for your son. I’m only sorry there was no one to stand up for you as a child.

Sofeckingangry Fri 21-Feb-20 19:21:48

Yes - during assembly the headteacher (who was a nun which might be relevant) was talking about being grateful for food and then said ' so feckingangry's mother tells me that she eats all the puddings out of the fridge at once which is a bit greedy'
My mother denies that happened or says it was just a joke. I have never forgotten the feeling of shame.

Littleshortcake Fri 21-Feb-20 19:23:22

You did the right thing. I've been where you are and you need to protect yourself and your dc flowers

HeadachesByTheDozen Fri 21-Feb-20 19:23:27

Don't you even think about apologising! Your losing it was looong overdue! She is the one who needs to apologise to you and your DS. Don't contact her again, let her contact you (and she should apologise when she does).

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt Fri 21-Feb-20 19:23:32

You haven’t overreacted at all and it seems that this is your limit (her targeting your child) and it’s only natural. What you do next is up to you of course but I do think that whatever you decide make sure she knows that you will never ever tolerate her shit again. And talk to your son about it, and let him say whatever he needs to even if it’s hard to hear.

My own mum is like this by the way and while I do still speak to her she no longer feels like she’s my mum. I keep my distance as much as I can and the only way I can tolerate her is having my walls firmly up so I don’t let her in too much so she can’t hurt me. It’s self preservation I guess.

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 21-Feb-20 19:26:14

Fucking hell you are most definitely not unreasonable and she can’t have access to your DS either, imagine the shit she’ll be spewing at him

Cordial11 Fri 21-Feb-20 19:29:32

Someone in DP family is like this. I can’t sneeze without being told it’s because I am overweight. Good on you standing up!!!!

Marlena1 Fri 21-Feb-20 19:30:03

You reacted accordingly!!! She needs this and if you apologise she will take it she was right. Your DS will benefit from you standing your ground.

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