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AIBU to think my mum is wrong to sell my house?

(80 Posts)
StealthLemonade Fri 21-Feb-20 11:24:19

This is pretty brief and I am trying to be as balanced as possible...

My mum is a narcassist, it took me years to really have the penny drop but my whole life she put me in the shadows and put herself very much first (but yes, she took me to stately homes!)

I left around age 16, a bad choice but I just wanted out. I had a massively failed marriage at 18-25, at the beginning of which my mum gave me £25,000 to buy a house. She never let me forget it (would even call my children scroungers when she was in a bad mood, and said she subsidised us). On the other hand, she paid all my sisters student loans, paid a chunk of a 40-50k wedding (mine was £200 and she didn't even let me wear a wedding dress). I always tried to be less of a burden on my mum, but my ex was utterly useless and often left us in deby which mum bailed us out of alot. But I always got the sense that she sort of kept me just afloat, like in a cage. When I left him to a refuge, she got mad for something a month later and told him where I was. When I made some friends, she reported me to social services because they were not white british. But in other ways, she gave me alot of help.
My ex did not want me to have the house, so it was agreed that he would get 15,000 and the house was to be put in my mums name (between me and my mum she agreed to give it back once I could get a mortgage as I was a student). A while later she kicked me out of it, saying her mortgage company did not allow family members to live there meaning instead of paying her £300 mortgage, I had to pay £1200 to rent another house. She pocketed the profit for 5 years. I told her several times I was ready to buy it back (I signed over all the equity to her) and she kept being vague about it all. I eventually found out she sold it, at a loss but still took the £100,000 equity for herself. At this time I was living in a homeless B & B and lost my oldest children to the same ex mainly due to instability of housing. She did not need the money, she owns three houses and I found out at the same time she appears to be sending chunks of money to a man in Thailand and also saw a message telling my sister when the money comes through from the house, she would take them both on a spa weekend to destress etc.
Part of me thinks... well she gave me the deposit, had to bail my ex out alot and was probably fed up of it all, but on the other hand she has given me far far less than my sister, habitually lied (sort of kept me on a string full of promises rather than letting me just go and live my life) alongside her nasty behaviour (calling my son a bloody half caste, reporting me an random to SS when she doesn't get her way, threatening me with sterilisation or sectioning when she's having one of her episodes and even lying about my grandads funeral because she didn't want me to bring my child)

So, who was wrong? I have cut her off now because she was like a huge cloud on my life and I was tired of living in fear (she would ring anyone and everyone such as refuge staff (who said she was abusive), my lecturers, any partners or their family) and this backstab was the final straw (shes an ex high up health professional and says she can get access to my medical records etc). The whole time I was homeless she didn't give me any support (I specifically mean emotional) - she would come to my town to do work and wouldn't even tell me. I asked her only for some white fabric she had in her loft (for years) to go around my bed as I was sharing a room with 4 children at the time and she said it was too good for me and she might need it. I said it wouldn't be cut (and she paid £1 a meter for it in a sale) and she just kept saying how good quality it was and she didn't want me to have it. She also makes my children sleep on air beds at her home with old wool blankets as her beds and bedding are too good for us. Sorry, rambling now, but what's MN opinion?

Palavah Fri 21-Feb-20 11:32:42

I can't understand the whole story but it sounds as though your mum has been pretty awful generally and you've had a hard time.

From what you've said I've understood:
Your mum gave you £25k but then used it as the deposit for a house which was in her name. She sold it and has kept the equity.
So you haven't had any money from her. But your ex had £15k from her?

Either way it doesn't look as though you have any claim on the money from the house since it was never actually your house?

JigsawsAreInPieces Fri 21-Feb-20 11:37:03

Message withdrawn - appears to have been posted on the wrong thread.

Merryoldgoat Fri 21-Feb-20 11:37:51

The house was put in her name therefore it wasn’t your house. It sounds like you had poor legal advice.

I’d suggest a chat with a lawyer but I don’t think you’ve got much of an avenue for appeal.

You need to get away from her.

StealthLemonade Fri 21-Feb-20 11:39:56

I bought the house in 2006 with her deposit with my ex. I lived there until I divorced in 2012, and around the same time to get my ex of the deeds my um said I could put the house in her name (as I was a student) and I could live there and once I could get a mortgage I could merely buy it back for the price I signed it over to her for. She then asked me to leave once it was in her name and kept the profit (she downgraded the mortgage from a repayment to an interest only which meant she got about £700 a month profit for 5 years). She kept telling me it was due to her mortgage rules and I could buy it back, but I found out she sold it last year, in the time I was in court for residency of my oldest children. She even said in court that the house was going to be given back to me (?) but was trying quickly to get rid of it in the background. I just think it hurts all the more because a) she did not need the money at all b) it's so vastly different from my sister and c) it was done when I was at my lowest ebb and ultimately changed the outcome for my childrens lives. If she never gave it I would have made my life years ago, but as soon as I showed an inkling of moving forward she would sabotage it, or say that i'd be getting the house very soon etc.

myrtleWilson Fri 21-Feb-20 11:42:38

Just go NC OP and don't let any of your children have contact with her either

StealthLemonade Fri 21-Feb-20 11:47:18

I have gone NC now, but I have bouts of "maybe I was a shitty daughter, maybe she wasn't wrong" which led to this post as MN is usually pretty honest smile

When I was made homeless she did however come around and pack up my china tea and dinner set into her car and take it to her home (oh how my friend laughs).

Forrandomposts Fri 21-Feb-20 11:59:26

I don't understand why you being a student means the house had to go into your mums name?

MummyJasmin Fri 21-Feb-20 12:00:17

She sounds awful! flowers You don't need that in your life.

comesavemenow Fri 21-Feb-20 12:02:20

do you and your sister have the same dad?

longwayoff Fri 21-Feb-20 12:02:21

OP, please find someone to talk to about your situation, you need more advice and help than you can get here. Good luck.

honeylulu Fri 21-Feb-20 12:02:38

I don't understand why you being a student means the house had to go into your mums name?

OP wouldn't have been able to get a mortgage as she had no income as a student.

Frenchw1fe Fri 21-Feb-20 12:03:01

You were never a shitty dd. She is and was a terrible mother who took advantage of you when you most needed help.
I have two dc, adults, and I would never behave like your dm.
My son owed me some money so I asked him to save an amount monthly for 3 years, at the end he gave me the money and I let him keep 20%.
Just for your dc sake do not keep contact with this woman.

BrightYellowDaffodil Fri 21-Feb-20 12:04:27

For the sake of completeness I’d get some legal advice on the house situation but it sounds like you probably don’t have any rights to anything through it, truly shitty and unfair as that is.

And once that’s done with, I’d have nothing more to do with her and get myself some good counselling to try and mitigate the damage she’s done. Because she sounds like a truly awful mother.

MuthaFunka61 Fri 21-Feb-20 12:04:38

Hi OP,

You've been treated as 'less than' for far too long and it's the best thing you can do for yourself right now to go NC.

I recognise the family dynamic well and the stark difference between the way you and your sister are being treated,and you have done nothing,absolutely nothing, wrong. You need to hear and believe this right now and remember it when you're thinking that you should drop your boundaries.

It took me years of therapy to build resilience before I could allow contact with my mother again and some of the things your mother have done have taken my breath away. Please look after yourself and don't subject your little ones to the disgusting lack of regard she displays to you all.

QueenOfPain Fri 21-Feb-20 12:06:43

She sounds like a complete utter piece of shit. Cut her off, stop being fooled by the bread crumbs she gives and promises she makes, get some therapy, move on with your life and aim for total personal responsibility from here on out.

Fedupofdoingit Fri 21-Feb-20 12:07:54

Go no contact and get her out of your life, but get your tea and dinner set back first, or threaten to report her for theft. Just to show her you are finished with her.

MitziK Fri 21-Feb-20 12:08:41

She paid your ex off, both in debts and when he wanted to take the house/you would not have been approved for a mortgage.

There's no profit to be gained from paying an interest only mortgage over a repayment one.

She sold it at a loss when you were unable to keep up payments on another home. You wouldn't have been eligible for housing benefit living there. She could have been in trouble with the mortgage provider if she was renting it out to you. She lied in court to try to benefit you - even if she had no intention of giving you a house again, she lied to make you look better.

Still probably a shitty human being. But a shitty human being who did do some things for you that she didn't have to.

Stop focusing on her selling the house that you couldn't afford to get a mortgage for, don't bother keeping in contact and work out how to make your life better through your own actions.

Shit parents happen. It doesn't serve you well to focus on their shittiness.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Fri 21-Feb-20 12:08:59

I'm a bit confused by this.

Your mum gave £25,000 house deposit. Dif you/partner add to this?

Was there a mortgage while it was in you/partners name? Who paid it? If there was one after the house was put in your mum's name, who paid it then?

I'm sorry OP but it sort of sounds like you have spent a lot of time angry at your mum while at the same time taking money off her for a house & to clear debts. That's sort of not fair in my book.

GreenTulips Fri 21-Feb-20 12:09:22

I don’t think we have enough information.

What are your circumstances now OP?

Do you have a home? Are you safe? Do you have your children with you or contact?

redastherose Fri 21-Feb-20 12:15:10

You were not a shit daughter she is a shit Mother and never having anything to do with her ever again will only add to your life. She delights in keeping you down in the 'scapegoat' role while your sisters get the 'golden child' roles. If you never see her again it will only be to your benefit. Get yourself referred to some counselling (or go to a counsellor if you can afford it now) and get some help untangling your emotions. Please never let your children be around her, she will be unable to resist treating them with the same dynamic and I am sure that is the last thing you would wish on any of them. Some people are just plain nasty and she is one of them. That she took advantage of your situation at a vulnerable point in your life just reinforces it.

TomeOfSomething Fri 21-Feb-20 12:20:54

my mum gave me £25,000 to buy a house

I bought the house in 2006 with her deposit with my ex. I lived there until I divorced in 2012,

My ex did not want me to have the house, so it was agreed that he would get 15,000

I had to pay £1200 to rent another house.
She pocketed the profit for 5 years (she downgraded the mortgage from a repayment to an interest only which meant she got about £700 a month profit for 5 years) this doesn't mean anything at all - she didn't get a profit

(I signed over all the equity to her) and she kept being vague about it all. I eventually found out she sold it, at a loss but still took the £100,000 equity for herself.

this is the important bit, does this include removal of the £25k deposit, and the 15k she gave to the ex?

Just stay NC, you have more to lose than to gain from this waste of space

helberg Fri 21-Feb-20 12:23:28

Absolutely awful woman.
Stay NC with her.
You can't do anything about the past now and the whole house thing is awful. Learn from this in the future though and in any future relationship/marriage make sure you fully check out all legal aspects before agreeing to purchasing a house with someone.
It sounds like you and ex were paying the mortgage while living in the house and that you ended up losing the money you put in because of what she did. Shitty thing of her to do.

What is the reason she treats you differently to your sister? Are you perhaps the result of an extra-marital affair? Sounds like a weird thing to ask but I have a friend in a very very similar position and this sort of thing went on for years and it later turned out that he wasn't actually the son of his mother's husband (who had fathered the other 2 older children) and his mother's guilt and feelings about this had coloured the entire relationship - he's now non-contact and much better off for it.

MintyMabel Fri 21-Feb-20 12:25:57

I'm sorry OP but it sort of sounds like you have spent a lot of time angry at your mum while at the same time taking money off her for a house & to clear debts. That's sort of not fair in my book.

Yep. Sounds like a whole lot more than 25k.

StealthLemonade Fri 21-Feb-20 12:29:56

House and mortgage was in mine and exs name. There was options in a financial order to remove ex later at an agreed price but my mum stepped forward and said just sign it to her for simplicity and to get it done. Ex and I paid the mortgage from 2006 and just I from 2010. For this I just signed over 114,000 equity to my mum because I never thought she would just take it. In this time I had improved the house also. I then paid her mortgage from when she bought it from me in 2014 but she soonafter wanted me to leave.

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