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Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

(166 Posts)
Worrier2020 Thu 20-Feb-20 23:45:25

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

Leeds2 Thu 20-Feb-20 23:48:41

I would probably do it. But I wouldn't think YABU for not wanting to.

CyberNan Thu 20-Feb-20 23:52:33

he is prioritising his needs over the needs of the family and wants you to do the same....


Cwenthryth Thu 20-Feb-20 23:54:28

For me the question would be, will he simultaneously rearrange things, or make sure he is available for childcare so you can go out as well?

CalleighDoodle Thu 20-Feb-20 23:58:01

He is in charge of pick ups. Why isnt he sorting the childcare for those days?

CrocodileFrock Fri 21-Feb-20 00:10:07

I wouldn't necessarily mind a one-off request.

What I would strongly object to is his belief that his social life should repeatedly take priority over your job, and his sulking like a petulant child when he doesn't get his own way.

SmallChickBilly Fri 21-Feb-20 02:04:17

I wouldn't mind doing this if asked.

But it doesn't sound like your husband did ask. It sounds like he basically tried to 'trick' you into agreeing to something perfectly reasonable and then tried to deflect and blame you when you confirmed that actually he was asking a LOT more than he was really letting on.

And the thing is - he knows he's unreasonable! He has already asked you to switch for other events and he must realise that adding another one is really pushing it otherwise why would he try to downplay what he's really asking? He's gone on the offensive, attacking you to get his way, even though he knows he's asking too much really.

Skippingabeat Fri 21-Feb-20 02:26:22

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place.

I think this makes you sound unreasonable of it's really a non-issue for you to change your hours and he does really do loads for the family, and isn't a selfish person who always priorities himself at the expense of you and the DC.

Monty27 Fri 21-Feb-20 02:35:14

As long as he's flexible too. On the basis your work is flexible first of all OP

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 21-Feb-20 03:02:04

Would you have resented it if he’d been adult and asked you properly in the first place? I don’t think it’s a big deal to change your hours every now and then if you’re able.... as long as he’d be willing to do the same for you including taking an occasional day / half day if necessary if you want to go out etc.

BadToast Fri 21-Feb-20 03:03:34

The fact he has gone off in a sulk means you should not back down this time.

You have in the past finished early for him and are doing so in the future. Not showing much gratitude is he?

Fact is it's not as simple as just starting work early and that's it. You will have to get up at 6/6:30am then finish at 3pm, pick the kids up, deal with them on your own then do dinner and bedtime. Then deal with a drunk husband. You will be up well over 12hours without rest or help. Meanwhile he fucks off to a bullshit sports event.

We would all love to just breeze off to more fun stuff then the boring day-to-day but it's not always possible. He has already gone to sport shit this year, only a few weeks ago infact. He is getting to go at other times in the future too.

This time it's a no. He needs to get over it and grow the fuck up. Going off at you followed by a full blown sulk. If my husband did that he would get told bollocks to any future asks of me.

timeisnotaline Fri 21-Feb-20 04:54:40

No for the sulking this time. Grow up and ask a clear question including I’ll do drop off of course. And expect me to want some time out too which you will graciously facilitate including changing your work hours.

DarlingCoffee Fri 21-Feb-20 06:16:19

Sports events?! Errrr that’s a hard NO

Fatted Fri 21-Feb-20 06:24:01

I think the big issue is, do you make the same requests of him and does he willingly oblige when you do? How many days a week are we talking here? Is it a big issue with work doing this? I take it you work flexi time.

I work flexi too. I'm generally happy to work around DH and the kids. But I also do insist on DH has his activities, nights out of the house etc, I also have mine. So it's fair and even. Resentment builds up when one is constantly being asked to accommodate the other with nothing in return.

Ponoka7 Fri 21-Feb-20 06:33:21

Which fits in better for the children's routine and homework etc, without it feeling like a hard slog for you both?

If you are equal in other ways and he wants to fit in a twice a month hobby, then that should be discussed. Is it a hardship for you? Why do you resent it? Should be examined.

You also should get the same consideration.

Lazypuppy Fri 21-Feb-20 06:34:12

When my partner wants to do something when ut would normally he his turn to pick up or whatever, and i'm also busy,he just has to find someone else - normally friend, or family to do the pick up instead until i'm free and then i go and collect.

He just needs to sort other childcare then you don't have to change your hours and he can go to his event

Rainbowqueeen Fri 21-Feb-20 06:36:25

Is constantly changing your hours going to cause problems with your work? If so it would be a hard no or only a couple of times a year from me.
Otherwise I think it sounds like you are feeling unappreciated. Does he say thank you when you switch. Does he offer to do things to make it easier for you.
Starting work at 7 would be really hard for lots of people

ItWillBeBetterinAugust Fri 21-Feb-20 06:41:08

I agree that the question which tells you who is being U is would he change his hours equally frequently to accommodate you?

In the normal give and take of a genuine partnership (rather than "partner" just used to mean spouse/ boyfriend who isn't functioning meaningfully as a partner at all) flexibility, when possible, is normal. However it does have to be equal, otherwise it's not a partnership it's a master- servant dynamic.

SunshineCake Fri 21-Feb-20 06:49:14

His unkindness about you being ill would have me rethink everything related to him.

user1493413286 Fri 21-Feb-20 06:52:12

How are your work about it? I probably wouldn’t want to do it regularly as I know my work would start getting funny if it was every month unless there was a good reason. Could he not find a family member who could help instead or use after school club?

rwalker Fri 21-Feb-20 06:55:16

TBH if you can do it I would as long as it works both ways and you can have free time as well.
Things like this can esculate and if you won't do this for him how can you have free time and do thing yourself . You both end up nailed to the floor and miserable .

Fr0g Fri 21-Feb-20 06:55:35

i'm not suggesting that you being signed off from work means you should take on more childcare responsibilities, but if you're likely to not be working at the next event, is it such an issue?

That doesn't mean to say not to have a conversation around you feel about his assumptions you change everything about your working hours as and when you do go back.

Sleep - or lack of - can impact on depression. Are your getting enough sleep with 7 am starts?

WardrobeJumper Fri 21-Feb-20 06:56:24

Sorry, I think YABU. This is a normal level of compromise and helping each other out that I would expect in a relationship.

Dontdisturbmenow Fri 21-Feb-20 06:57:01

He does his share of looking after the kids. You are able to be flexible. You don't work at the moment. It sounds like you resent him for wanting to have fun outside of the house, when he has a need to escape and get some relief.

I've had depression it is horrible, but I can look back and acknowledge that being around someone depressed is also very tough emotionally. Don't resent him for needing to do something to get his mind of the worry and helplessness he probably feels for you. Having this time to relax and recharge will mean he comes back in a better disposition to be supportive.

You need to focus on yourself and your depression, so you too can enjoy doing things that brings some sense of fun and happiness for yourself rather than just your family. Resenting your OH to be able to do it and putting pressure on him so that he feels guilty is only going to make things worse.

This is of course assuming from your OP that you do have the flexibility to work different hours when you go back to work.

Mitzdob Fri 21-Feb-20 06:58:37

I don't see what the problem is, family life is team work, give and take.

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