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To not agree to another playdate

(71 Posts)
desperateandsad Thu 20-Feb-20 22:37:13

Had my dd’s best friend over for a play date, was great. The mum wanted to return the favour so dd went to her friends house for a few hours. Turns out they took dad and friend out in the car, only friend had a car seat. Dd was strapped in to the middle seat with just a belt that went around her waist. The drive was about 15 mins. Dd is only 4. This isn’t acceptable is it.

nomorespaghetti Thu 20-Feb-20 22:38:10

Nope, not acceptable

desperateandsad Thu 20-Feb-20 22:38:15

That should of course say they took dd and friend out in the car, not dad and friend.

Amatteroftime Thu 20-Feb-20 22:39:11

No it isn't and I'd call her out on it asking why she opted to make that decision

Crafty11 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:39:19

God no not acceptable. I'd be furious

Isadora2007 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:39:59

It’s done now so you would be unreasonable to not just say you have a spare car seat they can borrow next time as you didn’t know they were going out. It’s annoying and not okay they did it, but it’s pointless letting it affect what happens next when there is a solution.

Darbs76 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:40:28

No I’d never put another child at risk like that

Drum2018 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:42:53

How well they had their own child in the car seat. It's not acceptable. Did you say anything to the parents?

desperateandsad Thu 20-Feb-20 22:42:58

I’m not a confrontational person, it’s the general lack of care for safety that bothers me. If they did that, how much would they be looking after her when crossing roads etc. I won’t let dd go on another play date there, I would never forgive myself if something happened. Her friend is welcome to us though. Maybe a lapse in judgement, I just don’t see how I can overcome it. Glad it isn’t just me thinking this isn’t ok.

HariboBrenshnio Thu 20-Feb-20 22:44:19

Interesting they didn't put their child in the middle. On the very small journey I've done with more kids than seats (which was a genuine emergency and a very short drive) I put my child in the middle as it was my risk to take, not my friends child. They sat in my child's seat. I hated it though and I wouldn't send my DD again for that reason.

Rosspoldarkssaddle Thu 20-Feb-20 22:45:35

It's not just unacceptable, it is illegal.

Mycatwontstopstaring Thu 20-Feb-20 22:46:09

If you take your child to someone’s house for a play date I don’t think they should take them off somewhere else without asking you, that alone means you can’t trust them. But to put their child in a car seat and not yours is really not ok.

If this is the best friend at some point the mum is going to invite dd again... And again... So maybe think up your polite refusal now.

Isadora2007 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:46:32

Why are you even asking then if you’ve made up your mind? It’s quite a leap to suggest a 15 minute car journey means they won’t be safety aware at all and your daughter will come to some harm. It’s all a bit of an overreaction to be honest. I’d perhaps just say “dd had a good time thank you. I am sorry I didn’t realise you were heading out with her or I’d have left you her car seat.”
Job done.

Isadora2007 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:48:27

How do you know this happened? Did the mum day or is this according to dd? She may have been on a booster but not realised if she isn’t normally on one? Just a thought as 4 year olds aren’t always reliable witnesses... and is she 4 nearly 5?

jonesss Thu 20-Feb-20 22:50:40

We have spare seats for transporting DDs friends but I'd still always ask they were happy with the set up before driving with them. Also as pp said if a situation arose whereby a child couldn't have a car seat it would be my child that would go without not someone else's.

Isadora2007 Thu 20-Feb-20 22:52:03

@Rosspoldarkssaddle maybe they’d argue it was an unexpected journey or a short distance as either of these excuses are acceptable in law for a child over 3 using a normal seatbelt with no seat. Quite a loose definition to use I agree- but nonetheless making the journey as described by the OP able to possibly fit those criteria.

Blackandgreenteas Fri 21-Feb-20 11:39:28

I wouldn’t like it at all.

If I have another child in my car, I always put them in the safest position I’ve got available, on the better car seat etc.

HomeMadeMadness Fri 21-Feb-20 11:42:29

No and it's odd to put their own child in the car seat and not someone else's. I've driven older kids who are borderline in needing a car seat and if I thought it was OK to go without I put my DC without and theirs in the car seat. If I thought it was safe enough for someone else's child without a car seat then it should be safe for mine. (Obviously at 4 though it's not even borderline I wouldn't take anyone without a car seat).

Stompythedinosaur Fri 21-Feb-20 11:45:03

I hate confrontation too, but I'd have to raise that with them. Maybe start by saying that your dd has told you they took her out in the car with no seat while their child was in a seat, and can you confirm if that's right? Then if they say it is, you can tell them how shocked and unhappy you are that they have endangered your dc in that way.

If the dc are friends I would probably co sides still having then at your house, but no way would I be letting your dc be in their care again.

Himawarigirl Fri 21-Feb-20 11:54:51

I’ve realised over the years that people have really different approaches to car seats. We are strict about them but had to let a childminder go who thought that abiding to the law, which allows children in taxis with no safety equipment, was fine and couldn’t understand what our problem with it was. But I wouldn’t jump from that to assuming the family are lax about safety in general, I get the impression from some of my DD’s friends that they see the need for car seats as an inconvenience, especially when it comes to helping their child to get lifts to other places and stuff like that. In my view, if they want to take those risks with their child’s life, that’s their choice. So I wouldn’t see it as a “my child could never spend time with his family again“ situation, but I would ask the mum whether you’re right in understanding that they were in the car. Then say that you’re really uncomfortable not using car seats, so if she thinks they’re going to want to do that again can she let you know and you can make sure she has the appropriate equipment. One of my DD’s friends are way more lax about it then we are but they know we care a lot about it so they always put our daughter into the car seat they have, and their child goes on a booster, and that’s their choice. We’d be happy to get them our car seat if they needed it. Be aware that you may massively disappoint your DD though. When my kids went in the taxi I mentioned with no car seats or boosters they thought it was one of the best things ever and they still talk about it with glee!!

WhiteBadger Fri 21-Feb-20 11:56:24

How do you know this happened? Did your 4 year old tell you?

Candymay Fri 21-Feb-20 11:59:27

You’re not unreasonable at all. I’d be extremely upset and definitely wouldn’t allow another play date.

Booboostwo Fri 21-Feb-20 12:04:04

Not acceptable at all. I've had similar happen with my DD in France where people tend to be a lot more lax about safety.

The first time she was 4yo, I had asked the other mum about car seats and she said she had a spare one...turns out she put DD in it without doing up the seat belt/harness! As bonkers as that sounds I know it is true because I have since seen her to the same with her DCs for years.

The second time, different mum, they didn't even have enough seats in the car but pilled the kids on laps, I saw them coming back as I was waiting to collect DD.

The third family, I left a car seat for DD with specific instructions that she was to use it...they ignored me. Again I saw them returning with 7yo DD in the car and her car seat in the garden where I had left it.

People are arseholes.

DroppedBoxxedRuth Fri 21-Feb-20 12:05:36


They strapped their DC in safely but not yours. Couldn't trust them after that.

Okbutno Fri 21-Feb-20 12:07:51

Wow no not ok at all

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