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Ex husband being unreasonable??

(81 Posts)
ILikePaperHats Thu 20-Feb-20 11:21:00

My ex has had a go at me because I booked train tickets over the Easter holidays to take me and the kids to see their granny (my DM) in Devon and didn't tell him the dates before I booked them. (I told him straight afterwards) Note that I made sure I would be back before the Easter weekend so he gets to spend time with the kids then. Apparently his fiancée can't take that week off work and he is annoyed with me for not checking first. I think he's being really unreasonable as surely I should be allowed to take my own kids to see their granny when I like in the holidays and not have to be dictated by him? We're only going for 5 nights. I'd appreciate if you all could let me know who is being unreasonable here.

user1493413286 Thu 20-Feb-20 11:26:22

How do you normally arrange holidays? To be honest it’s a source of annoyance to DH that his ex makes plans on holidays without consulting him as then we have to just fit around her plans rather than it being a joint conversation as they are joint parents. I don’t think that his partners holiday should necessarily take priority but I think a conversation beforehand would have been the right thing to do.
That’s all said on the basis that you haven’t said he does the same thing as you all the time or isn’t reliable about holidays

Jokie Thu 20-Feb-20 11:29:09

What's your normal agreement about holidays? That will say if you're being unreasonable.

Whynosnowyet Thu 20-Feb-20 11:30:42

Imo planning your life around his fiance is cfuckery. ..
Tell him to jog on...

Singlenotsingle Thu 20-Feb-20 11:33:20

Why does the fiancee need to have time off work? Isn't this supposed to be time for the DC to spend with their dad? I don't think you're being unreasonable. Next he'll be wanting you to let him check with his parents as well!

ILikePaperHats Thu 20-Feb-20 11:36:45

We don't really have a normal agreement. Usually just say we want to take the kids away on a certain date and the other one usually agrees. Just seems he is being deliberately arsey. I'm always happy to fall in with his plans, and see it as a chance to get more work done and get stuff done around the house when the kids aren't there. He's going on honeymoon in October so to play him at his own game I have told him to let me know the dates before he books so I can check my boyfriend isn't on call that week. If my ex hadn't got so arsey I would have just accepted any dates he proposed (and I still will agree to his dates, I just wanted to make a point).

BorneoBabe Thu 20-Feb-20 11:39:46

Who's turn was it to have them those days?

ILikePaperHats Thu 20-Feb-20 11:40:57

@Singlenotsingle
He's got a week without the kids. And he's moaning that his fiancée can't get time off. Maybe he would have liked to have gone away with her for a few days, I don't know. Not my problem she couldn't get the time off!

SoloMummy Thu 20-Feb-20 11:41:26

It really depends on whether the holidays are set dates for contact so you've just booked in what is in effect your contact time. If so your ex is being unreasonable and should have raised that this was an issue before now as most people book up way in advance of now for Easter.

If you normally split the easter break and discuss this divide closer to each date then yes yabu.

Tbh regardless, it sounds as though having a shared calendar where you have set periods set out for the year would be best moving forward. Then there's no issues as you both know where your time is and if a date becomes problematic its that parents responsibility to negotiate a date change ASAP or resolve their issues unilaterally if the other parent cannot be flexible at that time.

BorneoBabe Thu 20-Feb-20 11:41:43

Oops, crossposted. Sounds like a pre-agreed schedule would prevent this from happening again.

slipperywhensparticus Thu 20-Feb-20 11:42:59

Well that response is a bit petty personally I would ask him how he would feel if that was your response

It sounds like he could be getting difficult now she will be his wife

Booboostwo Thu 20-Feb-20 11:43:57

I don't think you will gain anything from turning this into a tit for tat.

If you usually check with each other then you are BU because you did not check with him. Just because he has agreed every time in the past doesn't mean that he would agree this time and as it turns out he wasn't in agreement this time. The reasons why this arrangement was not convenient to him are his own, you don't get to critique how he makes decisions about his contact time.

You can do this in one of only two ways:
- either keep a loose arrangement where you both agree every contact time beforehand,
- or come up with an agreement in advance and stick to it.

But it's not fair to have an informal arrangement where you check with each other every time, but then you make plans without checking.

Booboostwo Thu 20-Feb-20 11:45:53

It's none of your business why he wants a specific week for contact which fits in with his fiancee's plans. You sound jealous.

You should stick to your usual arrangement which is to ask each other before booking things.

Stressedout10 Thu 20-Feb-20 11:48:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hont1986 Thu 20-Feb-20 11:50:08

He is NBU, you should have checked first, as per your normal system.

Andtwomakesix Thu 20-Feb-20 11:52:06

My ex never did more than his usual few hrs a week with our kids even in the holidays so I never consulted him unless it was over his day. If it was over his day I usually mentioned it and offered to swap a day (he never took me up on that and always said he had no issue with me having them on his day!). That said, if he had shared parenting more I would have checked before I organised anything personally.

ILikePaperHats Thu 20-Feb-20 11:52:40

He messaged me in January asking me to confirm the dates that I was going to see my mum with the kids at Easter so he could check with his fiancée first. I did exactly what he asked me to do, and now I'm in the wrong. And also nasty, vindictive and controlling apparently, thank you @Stressedout10 I can see why you chose your username!

Jarvisisgod Thu 20-Feb-20 11:54:31

You’re in the wrong because you booked it then told him

Cheeseandwin5 Thu 20-Feb-20 11:58:18

It depends on two things, How would you feel if he randomly booked trips with the kids without telling you first. Secondly what do you usually do.
Whilst I can say for definite on the first point, I would be surprised if anyone would be happy about being told afterwards, on the second point you have previously informed each other on trips, so by changing it you have made it an issue.
I think your comments about his fiance are deliberately misleading to make ppl think he is more concerned about her than his kids, when, in reality, you are the person responsible for all this turmoil this has caused.

OneForMeToo Thu 20-Feb-20 12:00:27

Unless it’s a set contact day I reckon general dogs body resident parent should get to book their own holidays without permission from ex. It’s not like your going aboard for weeks. It’s in the uk and non on normal contact.

GreenTulips Thu 20-Feb-20 12:02:34

Why should OPs trips be dictated too by Ex DP?

Mintjulia Thu 20-Feb-20 12:04:46

If he already knew the issue with his fiancé and hadn’t told you, then it’s his issue, not yours.

And anyway, you can’t be expected to plan you time with your children around a non-family member.

Jaxhog Thu 20-Feb-20 12:05:32

Why should OPs trips be dictated too by Ex DP?

But why should his contact be dictated to by the OP?
YABU.

Veterinari Thu 20-Feb-20 12:06:02

YABU
Would you genuinely be happy if your ExH booked a holiday with the DC without checking with you first?

I s**hould be allowed to take my own kids to see their granny when I like in the holidays

They aren't just 'your own kids' your ex has as much claim to them as you do. And if you think you have the right to take them away without discussing dates with him, I assume you extend him the same courtesy? You sound possessive and bitter.
Don't use your children to score points against your ex.

Blackandgreenteas Thu 20-Feb-20 12:06:41

I think the best way is to divide the time up between you well in advance - agree it - and then you can do what you like in the time that is yours with the kids, and the same for him in his.

I don’t quite understand the bit about the fiancée, I.e. why her ability to get time off would have a bearing on things, but are you saying he was planning to have a holiday in his half of the hols without the kids or something?

I think communication and planning in advance are the key, and it’s a bit unreasonable to just say oh btw were away the first week, without agreeing who has what week with the kids.

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