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To get dejected that my wife doesn't do anything for me?

(130 Posts)
obstinatrix Wed 19-Feb-20 23:30:10

I've been with my wife for 13 years. We're a lesbian couple. She jokes that we're Chandler and Monica, with me being Chandler, and that's fairly true.

The thing is, she doesn't do anything to make me feel special. I get that I'm quite traditionally butch so it may seem as if I fall into the "husband" role and therefore she thinks she doesn't need to, but -- you straight women do so much for your husbands! I know this to be true! And also, I'm butch, I'm not a man. I think she forgets this sometimes. She also doesn't exactly adhere to other traditional m/f roles, like doing all the housework. In fact, she doesn't do any housework because she doesn't like to "get dirty," so it's up to me to take the bins out, change the cat litter, vacuum and clean the toilet.

I don't normally get emotional but on Valentine's Day just past, I got a bit sad at the realisation that she's literally never given me anything to mark the occasion. I gave her a card, which I always do. For the first three years we were together, I sent her a massive bouquet of flowers, but her response was so consistently lacklustre and confused that I stopped. I assume she isn't interested in gifts, really, because she has never got me anything for my birthday or Christmas, either, in all the years we've been together. I have got her something every time, even if just a nominal something. She doesn't ever seem embarrassed in the sense of "you've got me something and I haven't got you anything." She's never been stimulated by my actions to reciprocate.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit unloved? I know gift giving isn't everything, but in terms of "love languages," I do all the acts of service in this relationship, as well as all the giving. I just don't understand how it hasn't occurred to her that I might want some attention.

BillHadersNewWife Wed 19-Feb-20 23:32:33

you straight women do so much for your husbands!

What utter bollocks.

Your wife just sounds unkind and not really what you're looking for in a relationshp.

Coffeeisnecessary Wed 19-Feb-20 23:33:11

She sounds very mean, have you never spoken about your feelings of dejection?

Cuddling57 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:35:08

You need to sit down and have an open discussion about it.
Also it doesn't matter if your make or female. All people have feelings and needs that need to be met in a successful relationship!

Cuddling57 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:35:42


marashino Wed 19-Feb-20 23:37:45

She's not making you feel loved and so that's not good for a relationship whatever the sexualities of the couple. She's unreasonable not to get you gifts and you need to discuss this with her.

She also doesn't exactly adhere to other traditional m/f roles, like doing all the housework

Why the hell should she do all the housework ? If that's your argument then do you adhere to the so called traditional role of doing the housework ? It sounds to me like you've adopted the persona of sexist male.

wowbutter Wed 19-Feb-20 23:39:16

I have had both make and female partners...
All of them get a fuss on their birthday, Christmas, etc.
Apart from last year where I had a section two weeks before the blessed birthday and did nothing, but I did apologise and order takeaway

DracarysThis Wed 19-Feb-20 23:40:16

Why stay? LTB.

Notimeforaname Wed 19-Feb-20 23:41:14

YANBU, that can't feel nice at all.

But agree with PP's, you have to speak with her or it won't ever change.

MuscatelGrapes Wed 19-Feb-20 23:42:12

You have some weird ideas about straight women.

KellyHall Wed 19-Feb-20 23:42:16

Your relationship sounds very dysfunctional.

Why exactly are you together? Are you afraid to be alone?

Retroflex Wed 19-Feb-20 23:43:36

My husband refuses to mark what he calls a "hallmark holiday" (valentines day!) he's always been the same, and despite me dropping hints and factually telling him I would like to do something special, it doesn't happen. Other than things like that our marriage is great, so I don't make any effort towards him on valentines day either! Instead, I buy myself something that I would like, and feel absolutely no guilt over it, even if I pay using our joint account... Sometimes you have to love yourself more than your partner does, as with busy lives, we can all be guilty of becoming complacent...

PickAChew Wed 19-Feb-20 23:44:25

Please don't compare this to a straight relationship. It's just crap, full stop.

Defenbaker Wed 19-Feb-20 23:47:26

OP, she sounds like one of life's takers, and she seems to be taking you for granted.

What does she bring to the relationship? I think it's time to have some serious discussions with her, about your relationship and how her lack of care towards you is affecting you. Maybe you would be better off finding somebody else.

florababy84 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:47:41

If you really were Monica and Chandler, she'd be cleaning the house constantly!

YANBU, I think you should have a talk to her about how you feel. There may be things on her mind too.

BillHadersNewWife Wed 19-Feb-20 23:47:49

Retro Mine was like that until I explained that he was doing it for me, not Hallmark....I've never wanted a tacky card....I want a handmade one and a bunch of flowers he's picked or something

This year he chose me a crystal and a houseplant so that was a first. I cried when I saw the plant...he'd put it on my desk. I think explaining that it means something to you and that should be enough is pretty basic.

If he asked me to do similar I would!

I did in fact get him a gift too.

Mwnci123 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:48:21

Have you ever mentioned the gift thing to her? It seems pretty thoughtless not to have given you anything in all this time.

Bigearringsbigsmile Wed 19-Feb-20 23:52:29

How have you got to 13 years together and this not to have come up before?? I would have shown hurt /disappointment after the first occasion!

If you want to stay with her then you need to have a conversation and tell her how you feel!
Does she make you feel loved in other ways?

namechange1041 Wed 19-Feb-20 23:53:09

Wife? 13 years?

I know it's not about materialistic things but why has she never got you anything or made a fuss? It wouldn't even have to be an extravagant gift but why not get some food and munchies, a film and some drinks in for a nice night in together?

I'd feel quite hurt and unloved too.

As for the housework I'd have a chat with her and decide who does what.
If you're sick of taking the bins out and cleaning the toilet tell her to bloody do it and make sure she washes her hands afterwards! Jeez, precious or what?

TheHagOnTheHill Wed 19-Feb-20 23:54:35

Do you ever talk,hug make each other cups of tea?
You don't explain anything about you relationship really so of it's just gifts or she doesn't work and doesn't do housework then you have other issues as well as the odd roles you seem to have fallen into.

obstinatrix Thu 20-Feb-20 00:06:30

@marashino what I was saying was that if she's determined that i don't need affection because I'm "the man," that isn't really borne out in our other roles because I do all the housework as well.

TeaAndCake321 Thu 20-Feb-20 00:07:06

We don't do Valentine's Day anymore (together 15 years) I just consider it a made up thing to sell tat as does my husband. I also don't do loads for my husband in terms of gifts. He did once moan I don't buy him presents, but then we had children and it really doesn't seem to matter now, even to him. If he was really bothered I'd buy him something, but he's hard to buy for anyway (fussy!).

If you want the loo cleaning and a present well tell her, quite simple really. I nag my husband to death to get certain things done, I refuse to do it all by myself!!

I don't really think it's anything to do with gender though as you seem to think.

obstinatrix Thu 20-Feb-20 00:09:00

It is financially impossible at the moment for me to leave our house, which we jointly own.

Otherwise I would do so.

I have tried to leave her on several occasions and it's never worked because I've never been financially able to leave the home.

Bunnyfuller Thu 20-Feb-20 00:09:28

Don’t assume this is a same sex thing!

It’s more mark of a self centred bastard who uses the excuse ‘commercially induced spending’ to be a tight twat.

I’m married to a male version.

I like am earlier post that said just buy yourself something lovely, and don’t feel guilty!

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis Thu 20-Feb-20 00:10:05

I'm sorry, you lost me at "you straight women do so much for your husband" grin
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