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About my husband’s first question

(144 Posts)
AnneTwackie Wed 19-Feb-20 18:55:25

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

AnneTwackie Wed 19-Feb-20 18:56:29

Unsure if I’m being unreasonable because I’ve had such a shit day, he can’t see the issue.

Skittlesss Wed 19-Feb-20 18:58:08

Does he think you are solely responsible for the child you both made?

PinkiOcelot Wed 19-Feb-20 18:58:16

Who is going to be paying for his childcare?!!
His as in his son?!

He sounds like a total prick to me. That was his first question?!

Aquamarine1029 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:59:20

I think it's really horrible and very puzzling. You're married. This child belongs to both of you. Why all this derision over finances and paying for childcare? It's ridiculous.

Jammydodger1981 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:00:27

Yanbu. Why is the childcare not half his as well? Why are your bills not split proportionally, especially as you’re saving the family money on your own childcare at the moment?

We do it so we have the same spare ‘fun money’ left over once responsibilities are covered. I insisted on it, and I’m the higher earner, just to give you a bit of perspective.

HollowTalk Wed 19-Feb-20 19:01:05

He sounds horrible.

onlyk Wed 19-Feb-20 19:07:26

Yes it’s shit.

I’d say happy to discuss along with the childcare services I’ve supplied for the last 3 years, cash is acceptable or bank transfer.......

Not sure why you’d be paying more than 50/50 especially if you’re the lower earner.

BottleOfJameson Wed 19-Feb-20 19:09:47

I can't believe finances are so separate if you're married with a kid. I'd get paid into the joint account then take equal amounts of spending money into your personal accounts.

JuanSheetIsPlenty Wed 19-Feb-20 19:10:18

Yeah that’s really shitty. He clearly objects to paying his own half of childcare. Otherwise Why would he expect that to change just because you were earning more? confused

mnthrowaway202020 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:10:42

He sounds awful. He definitely sees childcare as your problem/responsibility even though it’s his child too? How sexist and demeaning. You should challenge him on this.

jonesss Wed 19-Feb-20 19:18:31

That's concerning. He's not happy with 50/50 (which it shouldn't be given he's the higher earned) and wants more from you. I'd actually use this as an opportunity to question why he thinks you should be paying half given he earns 10k more.

MummySharn Wed 19-Feb-20 19:19:21

He sounds awful

NYnachos Wed 19-Feb-20 19:22:35

Wtf do some men think that childcare/paying for it is just the responsibility of the woman?

I suggest you send him a backdated bill for half the childcare costs you've provided so far.

Spotsandstars Wed 19-Feb-20 19:26:48


frazzledasarock Wed 19-Feb-20 19:30:44

Why do the childcare payments increase on your side when your earnings go up, but his aren’t higher than your contributions whilst he is earning more?

LizzieMacQueen Wed 19-Feb-20 19:33:10

So sorry that you've got such an unsupportive husband. Is money so tight that his first thought is financial? In which case he should be happy there's more money coming in.

If I were you I'd looking to get back to what you originally trained for even if that means full time nursery for your child.

RedRed9 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:33:26

What was he suggesting: that you would pay more?

Why is he seeing this child that you both made as your financial responsibility?

GiveHerHellFromUs Wed 19-Feb-20 19:33:35

I'd say "well considering you've had free childcare for the last 3 years, you're more than welcome to pay for it all yourself if you like? Especially given the fact you have much more disposable income than I do."

Aquamarine1029 Wed 19-Feb-20 19:37:28

I'd be very surprised if this is the first you've seen of this attitude from him. This wouldn't come out of the blue from a normally supportive husband/father.

KnifeAngel Wed 19-Feb-20 19:41:54

It always amazes me how men like this get in relationships. You have been taken for a fool for too long. He should be paying for your child's care. He sounds like a selfish pig.

Okbutno Wed 19-Feb-20 19:42:05

I read so many posts on here where the father seems to think the mother is responsible for the child the both agreed to have. He sound unsupportive of you as a person with a career. Like perhaps aks what the job is! Or how can we manage childcare and the job?! Ffs you're right to be annoyed.

namechange1041 Wed 19-Feb-20 20:04:55

He sounds like an arsehole OP.
You should split all costs equally but work out the percentage which each of you pay if one of you is the higher earner, so it works out fair IYSWIM.

I probably could have worded that better but hope you get the gist.

It shouldn't be this much of an issue for him in the first place but if he wants to act antsy about his money, tell him he should be paying a higher percentage since he's the higher earner right now.

AnneTwackie Wed 19-Feb-20 20:12:45

Thanks everyone! I’ve just suggested that as I’ve sorted out childcare for the first three years he can do the next three. Now he wants to discuss it grin

Thehop Wed 19-Feb-20 20:15:47

Your dh is a selfish cock nostril.

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