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Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

(248 Posts)
Lotuscup563 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:32:35

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

WhenISnappedAndFarted Wed 19-Feb-20 18:35:43

Could you afford it?

NichyNoo Wed 19-Feb-20 18:36:15

Remind me why you're with him???

catsandlavender Wed 19-Feb-20 18:37:48

I’m confused. How do you earn more than him while also being a SAHM? Do you work from home?

He’s BU to be childish about it, but in my opinion YABU to shout in a shop as a full grown adult.

Ragwort Wed 19-Feb-20 18:37:54

He sounds joyless, we share all money, my DH earns considerably more than me but never comments on what I choose to buy.

But how bizarre to order his own takeaways confused, is that at the same time you are all eating as a family & he just prefers a takeaway? hmm.

Hope you’ve ordered your new ornament- get two!

sar302 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:40:38

If you share your money jointly, then it's shitty of you to hold your higher wage over his head. "I deserve this because I earn more than you"... if my husband tried to pull that in our house, he'd bloody regret it!

However, him refusing you an ornament is equally shitty, unless you were literally about to spend the last £50 of grocery money on it. I'd expect to discuss a purchase of £500, not £50.

It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your husband for a variety of reasons, and this ornament might have been the proverbial straw! Id be less worried about the ornament, and having a good hard think about whether you actually like and respect him enough to want to be married to him - it doesn't sound like it!

garbagegirl Wed 19-Feb-20 18:43:35

So you resent your fella and the ornament was the final straw.

Communicate or splitsville I'm afraid

WinterCat Wed 19-Feb-20 18:43:48

YABU to not share money equally. If you can afford the ornament then I think we need more information- if you already have loads of similar ones and they really are awful then YABU but if it’s a one off then he is BU. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Somanysocks Wed 19-Feb-20 18:45:04

Perhaps he doesn't want to look at a shitty ornament in the house (your words).

pooopypants Wed 19-Feb-20 18:46:04

If it's 'shitty', why buy it?

Is he always a fun sponge?

anotherlittlechicken Wed 19-Feb-20 18:47:23

@Lotuscup563

Hmmm, if you can afford it then why not? I know £50 is a lot to some people. It's quite a lot to me, and I would be a tad reluctant to spend it on an ornament. But if it was something really unusual/rare then I would get it.

I got a bottle of chanel the other week and felt AWFUL as it was £65, but DH said 'go ON, treat yourself.' We have joint everything, and he earns more than me (60 to my 40 IYSWIM.) But we generally both buy what we want when we want it and neither of us minds really... (although we don't spend much really...)

frazzledasarock Wed 19-Feb-20 18:48:38

Sounds like OP does share the money so there’s more lonely in the family pot for luxuries eg his weekly takeaways!

So you are the higher earner, also do all the childcare and home making.

What does he bring to the relationship apart from policing your spending?

Lotuscup563 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:48:52

Yes we could very much afford it because I bring in a second wage.

He has always been in employment and so have I, but 10 years ago we had our first child and I became the stay at home parent. I love it- but it became very awkward when my friends with their children started going soft play and out for coffees with the children because i couldn’t afford to do that. So hence why i started baking and selling things on eBay. It was never much, but a little.

Then 3 years ago I started doing a little hobby, then it turned into me making a profit as people wanted what I was making, so I started it as a business and then it just went crazy and I earn more now than he does in his full time job. (Unexpected by the way, I have no idea how I got so lucky with it, but I love my job) I’m self employed.

To be fair he eats a lot later than us and not with the family on his work days, so him having a takeaway is not a problem, but the money to do it is there because of my input into the money pot.

OhLook Wed 19-Feb-20 18:49:09

Maybe he just didn't like it?

anotherlittlechicken Wed 19-Feb-20 18:49:09

Have to echo other posters though, saying you seem a bit resentful that you earn more than him, and also rubbing 'all the money he has saved on childcare' in his face.

gamerchick Wed 19-Feb-20 18:49:25

Go back and buy it. I would have anyway but we don't have joint finances.

OhLook Wed 19-Feb-20 18:51:24

I find it really odd that people are suggesting they split over one stupid incident over an ornament. The OP doesn't even say it's a common occurrence?

MummySharn Wed 19-Feb-20 18:51:46

Go back and buy it if you like it that much

Drum2018 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:52:04

Maybe he just doesn't want a 'stupid ornament' causing more clutter in the house? Maybe he didn't like it.

Lotuscup563 Wed 19-Feb-20 18:52:26

The ornament was a special one, so for instance if I don’t buy it now/this season, it probably won’t be in the shop again and I doubt I would find something like it ever again.

It’s not shitty, I really like it....did I call it shitty?

Strongmummy Wed 19-Feb-20 18:52:46

I don’t get people who have a joint account for everything . Our joint account is for the mortgage and bills. That’s it. We then have our own money to spend as we please. It would solve your problems

Babyiwantabump Wed 19-Feb-20 18:53:30

What ornament is it?

I would go back and buy it

Shahlalala Wed 19-Feb-20 18:54:24

Off topic, but what do you make and sell to earn more than him with children at home?
I’m impressed and intrigued!

Totallyfedupnow Wed 19-Feb-20 18:54:29

I am hopelessly nosy, v sorry. but what’s your hobby/business?

RedskyAtnight Wed 19-Feb-20 18:54:30

It sounds like you need to adopt a "pocket money" system. Give yourself the same amount of money each month for personal spending. This then becomes money you spend on whatever you want, that doesn't affect the family budget.

Then you can buy as many ornaments as you want, and he can buy as many takeaways as he wants, and hopefully you're both happy smile

We adopted this system because my DH buys lots of things I think are entirely unnecessary (like your ornament) so we would be constantly arguing if we had to agree to spend money from the joint account.

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