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To feel really rejected?

(136 Posts)
StartingAgain33 Wed 19-Feb-20 13:04:49

Was seeing someone for 3.5 months. Was progressing really nicely - we were meeting eachother's friends, were exclusive, had just started using boyfriend / girlfriend label - felt safe and happy together, and like feelings were developing at a good pace (although not head over heels). He'd also suggested I meet his dad when he was visiting London.

He has been travelling a lot and had a lot of personal disruption and stress in this time, meaning he has been away for about a month of that and also quite distracted towards the end with said disruption which he has found extremely stressful (he is now going on antidepressants for this). Despite this, it felt like we had established a relatively stable, solid thing (although maybe less connection in the last month due to outside stress).

Then he was told he needed to move back to New York (where he is from) by his job (I'm based in London). He tried his very best to stay - argued with his bosses for weeks and was threatened with being fired etc. His original plan was to settle here and he had been here for two years - but he had no choice (giving up his job would have been stupid - he literally couldn't do better than the one he has, especially not in the UK).

We both agreed it was probably best to break it off rather than go long distance, as we hadn't had a chance to establish enough of a foundation and the only way to be physically together again would be for me to move to New York. I have had a really tough few years and part of me wouldn't mind a fresh start, which I did sort of hint at, but he said he felt that would be lot of pressure on a young relationship and he wouldn't want me to uproot my life.

He also felt that the long distance stuff in between now moving there would not go well - he said he has really suffered from not putting an effort in making friends and establishing himself in London, which has made him very depressed and isolated - and he doesn't want to make that mistake again. He feels that if we were still together his mind would always be in London and he would get anxious and sad (he does have this tendancy), and he would ruin both our relationship and not make a success of his time in New York, which he needs to live in long term now. He also has a huge work project over the next six months which is probably going to mean he's intensely busy - even on weekends.

At the same time though, I feel really sad he doesn't want to try. If he was that into me, I think he would, no? He disagrees and says that he is really into me, that he would have loved to continue this and would have were he in London, and that this decision has nothing to do with his feelings for me or how he saw us developing. He feels we should appreciate what we've had, which has been really good and special, and rare - he hasn't had a girlfriend in quite a long time - but that I should not take this personally at all.

We had a strained conversation yesterday where I was basically trying to get him to admit he just isn't that into me and he refused to and said that the not being able to do long distance is something that is separate to us, and means nothing about how much he values us. He feels like I have a different way of seeing this - which is that feelings are priority and if you want to make something happen it will work - but that he is more practically minded and feels that feelings are only part of an equation.

He feels sad that I'm questioning the validity of our relationship so far because of this, and doesn't want me to think that is wasn't something special.

I guess that he also doesn't want to waste our time on a difficult situation as he knows I want to have kids soon as does he.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel so rejected? I actually feel kind of physically sick. This was the first nice person / relationship I've had in a while, and he made me feel very safe.

But I also think I might be doing something quite self destructive mentally in not believing him, because it probably does make sense practically to end it?

Purpletigers Wed 19-Feb-20 13:08:13

He’s not the one for you . It’s ok to feel sad but please try not to dwell on it . Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult.

Nowayorhighway Wed 19-Feb-20 13:10:01

It wouldn’t work and I think you know this. You hadn’t been together very long and he had to move half way across the world. I agree with him, you uprooting your whole life to move with him would have been sheer insanity. You both have full time careers so a long distance relationship wouldn’t be feasible, you’d spend so much money and energy travelling to only see one another briefly.

You’re hurt because you thought it was going somewhere but it hasn’t. It’s not the end of the world though, you will find someone more compatible one day.

StartingAgain33 Wed 19-Feb-20 13:44:23

I actually do a lot of remotely, so could have potentially just done it from there, although he did also know that I'd taken an inhouse job for 3 days a week because I was finding freelance isolatng and was looking at buying a flat in London to feel more 'rooted'. I don't think he wanted to upend that for a young relationship.

But I love the idea of a fresh start in New York! I don't know, probably being overly romantic about this. Haven't even ever visited there. He says it's smelly and full of rats, and he doesn't like it at all. Has been trying to avoid living there for years. I just have scenes of SATC in my head.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Wed 19-Feb-20 13:53:01

It would be crazy to uproot your life for a boyfriend of 14 weeks.

It's easy to think of all the rom coms and have a wonderful romantic notion about a happily ever after.

He sounds more based in reality, thankfully.

Take your time, feel sad for a while, then carry on with your plans, and you'll meet someone who's life is far more compatible with yours.

DesLynamsMoustache Wed 19-Feb-20 13:57:03

I think you know it's not really a good idea. You've been together three months, a month of which he hasn't even been here, and in that time he's gone onto antidepressants ... it's not really the stuff of fairytales. It sounds like he's been quite clear. YANBU to be upset, of course, but he doesn't see a future for you with the way his circumstances are and that's his choice to make.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 19-Feb-20 13:57:29

Upping sticks and moving to another country for him after being together 3 months would be madness and would put too much pressure on both you imo. He sounds sensible, you are being a bit unreasonable here

StartingAgain33 Wed 19-Feb-20 13:57:59

I have a friend who keeps saying 'but me and my (now husband) moved in together after three months! When you know you know!'

and another friend who often uses the 'when you know you know' line.

Which is making me feel worse.

But maybe this is just them post rationalising situations that have worked out? I remember thinking it was really rash to move in after three months, and actually I feel like they've rushed their whole relationship - and I know that they argue A LOT but now have kids. Maybe they would have broken up if they'd taken it slower?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Wed 19-Feb-20 14:00:11

Nobody really talks about all the times they make mad decisions after a few months and it doesn't work out though, and there are a lot more of those kinds of stories out there.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 19-Feb-20 14:01:49

tbf any long lasting relationship was at one point a 3 month relationship as were relationships that didn't work out

formerbabe Wed 19-Feb-20 14:03:27

He's right I think. You're both not sufficiently invested in each other to make it worth trying to maintain a long distance relationship, not because of who you are but purely because you haven't been together long.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep Wed 19-Feb-20 14:13:10

I moved halfway across the UK for a LDR and it didn't work out. There.

mauvaisereputation Wed 19-Feb-20 14:17:55

It's fine to feel sad, but at the end of the day, I do understand why he isn't willing to give up a career opportunity for a short relationship, or enter into a very long distance relationship when he is looking to settle down and start a family.

I would cut contact with him for the foreseeable future, nurse your wounds, and then get out there and try to meet someone else. Easier said than done, but heartbreak does get easier with time.

bumbling2020 Wed 19-Feb-20 14:26:26

Christ.
3 1/2 months and a month of that you didn't really see each other...
This is a man you hardly know!

Give yourself a shake and move on, and next time don't invest so much so soon.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 19-Feb-20 14:27:08

It worked out for your friends. But how many more people has it not worked out for? When I look back at boyfriends I'd been seeing for 3 months, I was very in love with a couple of them but it absolutely wouldnt have worked. I'm happily married and didnt move in with my husband for 18 months after we met and lots of other people I know are similar. The hormones that make you feel in love wear off after 12 - 18 months and it's only how you feel about them after this time that shows how compatible you are long term.

If you want a fresh start, move somewhere else to have a fresh start but I agree moving somewhere so far away, for someone you've spent so little time with and clearly has issues of his own and doubts about you moving, to somewhere you've never even been, would be madness.

If you're still set on it in a while you could see if you could get a temporary job or contract or secondment there and try it out and visit him but don't move in with him and still be prepared to do it even if he doesn't want to see you because he doesnt want to prolong the inevitable

gottastopeatingchocolate Wed 19-Feb-20 14:28:28

OP, you would need some sort of a visa to move to NY, surely?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Wed 19-Feb-20 14:29:11

I would have moved anywhere to be with my now DH 14 weeks into the relationship. He would have done the same. People would almost certainly have advised against it and but we would have done it anyway. We knew very early on. But that's us, we are not you. There's no right or wrong here. YANBU to feel sad, he's NBU to not want to make such a big commitment so soon.

Honestly, I do think that if he was head over heels in love with you and thought you were 'the one' he probably would have jumped at the chance when you hinted you'd be willing to follow him to NY. But that wouldn't necessarily have been a good idea! He's absolutely right about that it would be a great deal of pressure to place on a new relationship, especially as he's currently going through a difficult time emotionally as it is. And just because he's not head over heels in love, just because it's not "the one", that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. It doesn't mean he wasn't sincere. It certainly doesn't mean that it wasn't a relationship worth having. It doesn't have to be "the one" to be meaningful. So just because it's ending don't let that ruin the nice memories you have of your time together and don't part on bad terms, you'll regret it.

Bartlet Wed 19-Feb-20 14:36:09

You seem to be wanting to run away with him to forget your problems at home. That’s never a good basis for a relationship and would put a huge amount of strain on you both. That’s even ignoring your hopelessly optimistic plans to just move to the US and work from home - do you not think immigration rules apply to you?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 19-Feb-20 14:38:27

Oh and one of my close friends was in a similar position to you. They had to get married after 6 months of their partner living there for Visa reasons, when they'd known each other less than a year. They were both desperate to have a child as well due to their age.

They now live in a different continent to their child after an extremely messy divorce

Tartyflette Wed 19-Feb-20 14:40:20

'When you know, you know'
But he clearly doesn't 'know'
And what Minister says above in 2nd para.

Poorolddaddypig Wed 19-Feb-20 14:40:53

Me and my DH are from opposite sides of the world and we settled in a different country so we could be together. We are both homesick but we wanted to be together more than we wanted anything else. If people want to be together enough, they will be together. I would try to move on OP. I agree with you - if he was that into it then he would ask you to come with him or even give up his job to stay with you or ask you to move elsewhere with him. It might be a young relationship but when you know you know - and I’d say he doesn’t ‘know’.

StartingAgain33 Wed 19-Feb-20 14:46:16

@poorolddaddypig how long had you been together when it went long distance? Did it start off that way?

And how long till you then moved to other countries to be with eachoher?

valentinefallout Wed 19-Feb-20 14:49:07

He's definitely not that into you. They do stop/ adapt all plans when they meet the dream girl and three month is plenty for that. My husband proposed after 4 months

StartingAgain33 Wed 19-Feb-20 14:52:04

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery do you honestly believe in 'the one' though?

As I get older I don't think I believe in it. I think there are lots of people you could potentially build a happy relationship with - and that you do just that, build it. Initial feelings of 'the one' are easy to look back and justify when it goes right, but just as often they don't work out and you sort of forget about them. I dunno, that's more how my head is going as I get older. And when I spoke about this with him, he agreed.

But then I hear stories like yours/ people talking about 'the one' and I think 'maybe he just wasn't that into me'.

Justwondered12 Wed 19-Feb-20 14:52:48

Long distance is really hard. Even if I met dream man , I wouldn’t want to do it truthfully . It is okay to feel rejected , but 3 months is nothing . You don’t truly know him. Let him go , date others and see what happens .

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