She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

[HaveeeeYouMetTed]

Stop helping. I know it sounds horrible, especially when it's your mum but while she's being bailed out by her children she won't ever change. By stepping back the help she will be forced to change. This is her responsibility. There's steps she can take the change it - new job / talking to her partner. This isn't your issue so please don't make it yours (meant in the kindest possible way).

[Hoik]

As awful as it is and as guilty as you might feel, next time she asks for a loan tell her no. Tell her its leaving you short and you can't afford it.

[fedup21]

Say no. You are enabling her.

[Cherrysoup]

Does she ever pay you back? She needs to stop asking, but equally, you 3 need to stop enabling her by giving it to her, to be blunt.

[Busybusybee2000]

Thanks for the replies. She gives it back only sometimes then I think what’s the point taking it back when she will ask for more in another 2/3 wks. I’ve worked out she asks us on rotation throughout the month. Sometimes she says she doesn’t eat at work or that she’s eating crisps for her evening meal then I feel terrible for having lamb chops and she’s eaten nothing

[Busybusybee2000]

I know we’re not helping the situ. But I can’t see her hungry either. She’s stopping me from enjoying my money. It’s upsetting us all

[KahlanRahl]

Your responsibility is to your child, not your mother. Stop giving her money and send her to the food bank. She won't help herself till she really needs to.

[minipie]

Do you know what her income and outgoings are?

[LangSpartacusCleg]

I have a step daughter who does similar, ‘borrowing’ from me, her father, her mother and her brothers.

We tried giving money only for things that were helpful (eg professional registration fees) but she still wanted more, so we had a formal loan agreement for which she set the repayment terms (has not made a single payment of £10 per fortnight), we tried to offer budgeting help and debt counselling which she refused and then we tried saying no, then we tried to unite the family which only worked briefly so now she has her mother and one brother funding her as opposed to 5 different people.

A suggestion - do some digging, is it debt repayments that are the problem? Could she fund her own (possibly reduced) Lifestyle on her own income if she didn’t have debts to pay off?

I reckon that is my step daughter’s problem but she refuses to share full details of the situation and we have refused to give her a monthly allowance until/unless we know exactly how much she owes and to whom. Even then, we might still refuse or we might pay off the debt but we can’t help unless we know the full scale.

I hope my situation might help you - it was cathartic for me to write!

[Busybusybee2000]

In the past I’ve tried to work out her bills for her b it I’ve had 20 years of this trying to sort her mess out. I’m tired of it now. She’s down around £3/400 a month.

[RhubarbFizz]

Give her food?

[HaveeeeYouMetTed]

If she works, where does all her money go meaning she only has crisps for an evening meal?

[MrsP2015]

Rather than money make her a meal.
When you are able to cook foots that can be frozen (curry/ chilli/ spaghetti Bol) put some in a container and freeze for her as back ups.

Then you don't have to worry about her being hungry but you've said no to lending money.

[KellyHall]

Just say no.

You're not helping her, you're enabling her to stay shit with money and you are giving her no incentive to sort her own shit out.

[Lipsygirl]

Do a small food shop for her if you feel guilty saying no. I’m on maternity we are broke but I’ve never asked to borrow anything but our parents do a food shop now & again for us which is so kind of them.

[Busybusybee2000]

@ LangSpartacusCleg. I’m aware she pays like a pound a week to some of her debtors so I know she’s in debt. I don’t know how much exactly. I just can’t be bothered to help anymore. Thank u for the advice though

[OlaEliza]

I wonder if she resented feeding and clothing you all for how many years.

I cant believe what I just read.

[marblesgoing]

Get together with siblings and all set an agreement that all of you will sit and help her with her budget,maybe she needs her utilities reviewed to check she's getting the best deal etc etc.

All of you explain that you can no longer afford to keep bailing her out so if she's happy to be transparent so you can all help great but if not then make it clear none of you are willing to financially help anymore

In the meantime every time she asks for money ask her why?just ask straight out.
If it's because she's not got enough for food tell her you will pick her up some basics when your next at supermarket.
And literally get basics like bread butter frozen veg that sort of thing.

Not saying it's easy for you op as a single working parent to shop for your mum but that may just be enough to stop her asking.

Does she have a mortgage?could she get a lodger?

[Busybusybee2000]

That’s a good idea about making her food. But then I’d feel obligated to make her partner food aswell. I think I will do a few curries for her and freeze them for times of need. My brother even went as far as buying her Asda vouchers as she will spend any cash instead of buying essentials. I don’t k so what she’s doing with her money. She says it all goes on fuel, paying her gas and electric meters and food. Fed up.com

[marblesgoing]

Ah so she has a partner aswel.
Do they both work op?

[Qwerty543]

YABU as you have all created this by allowing this situation to go on.

[inicecoldblood]

Do you really think her partner would let her starve? Tell him the truth!

[OlaEliza]

Do you really think her partner would let her starve

Her daughter wants to, why wouldn't he?

[Busybusybee2000]

Yes they both work. He has his own property he paid cash for. He has no mortgage to pay for. My mum has a mortgage but she doesn’t pay much. That’s the one bill she makes sure pays. He doesn’t live with mum but stays 4/5 times a week so has it cushy.

[Cherrysoup]

I think @inicecoldblood has it. Tell her partner. This needs sorting, the situation can’t continue. You must resent her so much?