Freaking out. How to cope. What to do. Help anyone?

[beakerbabe72]

Dear Anyone who could help? Thanks for your patience and time. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick with worry all the time and am just sticking my head in the sand day after day. I don't want to give too many outing details but if anyone can help I would be really grateful. As I need to move forward.

I have 2 DC under 5. Not married to DP. We are older >45. I have a professional job. My and DP are not getting on for four out of the five years we have been together. He is short tempered and shouty. Calls names etc. He has a history of DV ( he denies) he has previous kids failed relationships won't speak to him. We are barley speaking. We slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years. No physical relationship years now. I can't stand him at the moment. When he is nice he is good. But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house. Also his previous plan to let me work while he lives off his assets and finds himself as a writer or new age guru. We don't have any shared assets. I pay all my childcare costs myself and half all bills. He does more food shopping.

We are wasting vast amount of money on expensive rent. My family lives other end of the country. DP wants to move out in 3 months. He wants to stay in kids life but I don't fully trust him. Although he is doing his best to be father of the year in terms of play at the moment. He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life. Half the time I am not even talking to him because of the stuff he says to me.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress. Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I just can't seem to move forward everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drawing in stress. I have no friends I can talk to. I don't want to burden my family as I previously got divorced due to verbal abuse before this relationship. I don't want everyone to think I am just a weak mess and can't cope.

Any help before I self combust.

[Basecamp65]

Firstly just breath - take some time out from thinking about this as the solution may come to you then.

But i personally - and based on what you have said - would leave him.

From everything you have said it sounds like option 2 is best - split from your partner, get your own place and stay in a job that has less stress and flexibility to help you cope with being a single mum.

However moving nearer your family may be a good move as well - depending upon your relationship with them.

But what i would say is that if you are unsure then do something that could be changed - maybe rent a property nearer work for now - you can always buy in the future or move nearer family when your mind is clearer about what you want long term

[beakerbabe72]

My DD is due to start school this autumn and also I am really stressed about all the money being lost on rent. Although I have a good salary so I can cope it just seems like a waste!

[MotherofTerriers]

Leave him
See a solicitor to check how you stand legally
Rent somewhere near work, give yourself 6 months peace to think things through - then either buy somewhere or prepare for a move nearer your family
Don't let him stay in your new place part time - why would you want to do that? It might suit him but I don't see what you gain from it
Hopefully once you are away from him it will be much easier to think clearly about what you want and what is best for your children

[beakerbabe72]

My DP denies that he is abusive. He thinks I am causing trouble. I had a previous failed short marriage due to verbal abuse. I think I am not the easiest person to live with as I can be quite introverted and a little controlling. I am not horrid though. Examples of what he has done. Pushed the kids, pushed me, called me crazy, shout a lot, call me names in front of the kids. Doesn't listen really to me/show any interest in any topics of conversation ( says he can't hear as I am quiet). He is extroverted. He has some strange beliefs around paranormal/ spiritualism.

[katewhinesalot]

Keep your life as it is as much as you can without him in it, for 6 months. In that breathing space you will know how you want to move forward. Complete break though. His house and yours.

[beakerbabe72]

will my DD be ok starting school somewhere then moving? Also need to rent somewhere schools are ok. I have applied locally but can't really live where i am as rent too much for one person

[TheTrollFairy]

Regardless of you being easy to live with or not it doesn’t excuse his abuse towards you and the kids.
From what you have said, he is the cause of a lot of the way you feel and I bet that once you free yourself of this person you will feel better and be more sure of yourself. You will feel like this when you are facing relentless criticism.
If you get your own place, do not let him stay part time! He will expect you to continue to fund everything. I would also be documenting the abuse and look to only allowing supervised contact with the children if he is already shoving them when you are around, it’s not too far of a step for him to take it further and blame that the kids are too much like their mother (this is from experience of my own dad so I could be skewed in my outlook)

[beakerbabe72]

I do worry. He says he would never hurt DC but he is so grumpy and short tempered. He could shove my DD next minute he is all over kissing and being over the top nice dad. It is very disconcerting. Part of my distrust also is because of his history which he of course denies was his fault. He sees himself as the victim of various malicious harpies.

[Helpdesk]

I would also leave him - your situation sounds very stressful and unhappy, and it’s understandable that you are funding it hard to think clearly and make decisions in these circumstances.

I agree with the PP - find yourself a rented property near your current job and move in with your children but leave your partner behind. I would make sure I rented somewhere with no room for him to stay - if that saves you money then that’s a bonus too.

Once you are settled in your own space away from him you will be able to make decisions about what you want long term (move away closer to family / change job etc) without the pressure of coping with a miserable and abusive relationship.

Good luck

[TheTrollFairy]

will my DD be ok starting school somewhere then moving?

She will be fine, I imagine it happens quite often and young kids make friends quite easily!

[MyOwnSummer]

Have you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft - it is available for free online as a PDF.

The TL/DR is that abusive behaviour is a choice based on messed up values and a lack of respect for their partner. If they can control it at work, around their family, around their friends then it is a choice. They do it because they want to, because they benefit in some way, because they feel entitled to. Seriously, give it a read!

Have you considered asking MNHQ to move this to relationships? You'll get better, more detailed responses there.

[TheTrollFairy]

Have you ever done a history check on him to see if anyone has complained of DV in the past? You can use Claire’s law to check on people you have concerns about who are in your life I believe

[beakerbabe72]

I had set my self target of buying as have been renting for four years now "short term" while issues of moving were resolved. Maybe as you say should not beat myself up and give myself another six months rent to decide. If I buy that will be it and the stamp duty will be a lot.

[Helpdesk]

I also wouldn’t worry about the possibility of your children having to change schools if you decide to move away in the future. In my experience children generally cope well with these moves, especially if you are happy & positive about the move, and able to support them while they are settling in.

[PigWhisperer]

I am sure you know this really, but this atmosphere is not healthy for the children. He sounds like a bully.

I realise its hard to see but you are actually in a strong position. You have a good job and options for where you want to live. Do you have friends nearby? If you do then I would definitely be looking at option 2. Can you imagine how great it would be to have your own peaceful haven, just you and the kids?

He has bamboozled you into thinking you are less than you are. You aren't that person. I am sure with good childcare you will be able to manage - aren't you practically a single mum now anyway? The stress you will be lifting by not being with him will be massive.

I feel for you, but I am sure you can be healthier and happier without this drain on your emotions.

[FetchezLaVache]

I think option 2, as less upheaval for you and your children.

He's really messed with your head, this wanker, hasn't he? Stop trying to reason with him or understand that how he treats you is entirely on him - save that energy for house hunting!

Get onto rightmove right now and start looking for somewhere, maybe to rent in the first instance, so you can get away from this deadweight man pdq. Then imagine you and your little ones living there, just the three of you! Your life is going to be brilliant once you cut me laddo loose.

[seltaeb]

It sounds as though you just need to overcome the hurdle of making the big decision. Maybe write down each option with the pros and cons of each, then make your decision and stick to it. And try and get support from anyone willing to offer it - friends, colleagues etc. Be brave! You are obviously very capable.

[beakerbabe72]

I have seen his record. He was always open about it. He has a charge of DV but claims it was her not him and he was forced to plead guilty. This was a long time ago when he used to drink way more and had a drink dependence.

[FrenchJunebug]

I would go for 2 but don't let him live with you, even part time. And do engage solicitors to deal with parental rights and visitation. You and your kids will be better off without him breathing down your neck.

[pemberleypearl]

I would get your kids out of there. He is abusive to you which is bad enough, but to your kids as well if he is shoving them and you can't let that happen.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

He has a provable history of DV and he shoves and pushes your children. In what world is this person worth any of your time, energy or life? Leave him. Make plans, clear and sensible plans, and leave him.

And I have never said this before to anyone on MN or in RL but please please prevent him having access to the children. Whatever it takes, he cannot be part of their lives long term.

[MrsStrangerThing]

If it were me, I would move far far away from him to be honest. Do not let him dictate what you do. I would start looking for jobs closer to your family, even if it isn't in the same town, maybe something might come up a bit closer to them than you are now.

[beakerbabe72]

what surprises me is that his friends/family seem to be supporting him in his belief that he is a nice kind guy. He has this story line that I am too soft and don't discipline and he is forced to loose his temper because the kids are able to run riot so that it is no big deal he has pushed the kids as they are unruly. Only my mum is not speaking to him

[beakerbabe72]

he is charming to friends etc. But to me he is a CF

[beakerbabe72]

I am a little unsure of myself at work. I know my limitations in the field I am in. I can be a little introverted and at the moment I am managing to get a good salary and I only have to go in 2 or 3 days a week until 4. Everything else I can do from home which is really helpful with childcare.