To move my family in with my parents

[Tentativesteps133]

I am due our 2nd DC in the summer. We currently live about 2hrs away from my parents and close friends I've known all my life (2 of whom are due to have babies in the next 6 months). We had planned to sell up and move there - DH has agreed remote working and I already WFH 4 days pw so could either keep doing that, or get a more local job after mat leave. We want to move to be closer to our support network - my parents are so helpful with our current DC and come stay with us frequently and vis versa. I am also watching my mum care for her elderly parents remotely (3hrs away) and it looks is very stressful so I have my mind on that too. Area is expensive but great schools, culture, countryside close etc.

We've sold our house and had an offer agreed on one we want to buy last week but here's the kicker - I went to work yesterday to be told my whole company are being made redundant as of end of May. Which means we now won't be able to get a mortgage on the house we want to buy. So, our options are either 1. stay where we are now (small 2 bed terrace, no family local, but small support network of friends and lovely area) then try and get a job and house near my parents at the end of mat leave or 2. sell our house and move in with my parents, save up for a year/18 months and move to probably a bigger house once I'm back at work.

AIBU to consider moving my DH & 2xDC in with my parents? There are enough bedrooms for us all and 2 X living rooms but it's not a massive massive house. My parents are totally on board with it - they are the most generous people I know and would give us the coats off their back in a storm if they though we needed it. Would we all want to throttle each other after a month? Would we get stuck there? What have I not considered? Is it a bad idea to get off the housing ladder once you've been on it? My mind is going nineteen to the dozen, help!

[Snaleandthewhail]

What does DH think?

He’s giving up a lot to move to your area. Moving in with your parents is another level of ask. If he’s not 100% on board with this then it’s no.

[Tentativesteps133]

DH is 100% on board, I am very aware that he is moving 'for me', although he also has friends in the area and has always agreed it's where we will end up eventually. In fact he was the one who initiated the whole situation by applying for, and getting a job there (not taken as his current work then offered flexi). I assumed we would have to stay here when I was told about the redundancy but he was the one who suggested moving in with them. He is very laid back and has a great relationship with my parents but yes, it is in my mind that it could be a more difficult situation for him. It also makes seeing his parents more awkward as they don't really have room for 4 of us to stay at theirs.

[Winter2020]

It adds to the problem that your husband intended to work from home and you will be off work so all home based 24/7. That could be quite intense.

You will also need to find a job and pass your probationary period in all likelihood before you could get a mortgage. So probably woykd add up to a couple of years. Could you buy a smaller house on your husband's salary alone? Will you have mych equity for a deposit? Could you rent a little place? If these were a possibility you could move in with your parents but prepared to start looking to rent or buy and if you or they find the living arrangements tough then you could crack on and do it.

Could your husband rent a desk space somewhere so he isn't having to work from home with kids/new baby/in laws etc?

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think it comes down to how your DH would feel about living with in laws. You hear a lot about people who think they are doing this temporarily and it turns out to be long term.

[blackcat86]

Go for it. Presumably you'll get some money from the house sale to help with a deposit to and can relax a little more on mat leave, returning in your own time rather than back to an old job. If DH is onboard and your parents are decent people then go for it. Presumably you'll also get some mat pay as part of your redundancy to.

[Brazi103]

I would normally say no but it seems like you all have a great relationship. Your parents sound very lovely too.
Before making the big decision I think it would be good for everyone to sit down and have an open conversation about how this would work- money/rent, contributions, boundaries?
12-18m is a long time and it can become awkward. But discuss everything at first so that it runs smoothly.

[Winter2020]

I've realised my post sounds quite negative I was thinking through the possibilities but overall if I had a good relationship with my parents I would do it!

It probably will be tough but moving counties with small children is going to be tough. My main reason to not delay would be so my children did not have to start school then move schools or if they were in school to do the move as early as possible.

[Tentativesteps133]

So DH will WFH 3 days and travel to his current office for 2 days (stay overnight with friends here). He could work in the office in the garden, or 2 of our friends have said he would be able to hot desk at their offices.

Renting is also an option but somehow feels like more of a backward step than moving home, not sure why?! But definitely is a possibility, if it was too much at home. The mortgage we could get on his salary would only buy us a 2 bed house that we would realistically have to move out of pretty soon (we would ideally like a 3rd child...!)

Thanks for all the input so far, lots of food for thought.

[phivephatphish]

We’ve just done this and it nearly killed me, and I have the loveliest mum you could imagine. Myself, DH and 2 DC moved in with DM. It was really tough and I think DH and I settled on a less than perfect house as the living arrangements focused our minds to moving out! Almost everyone said to me before we did it ‘you are crazy’, and I know quite a few other people who have done it and said it was tough. I am glad we did it- there were lots of positives from the negatives, (realizing that my mum really is getting older, discovering how stubborn she actually is, a realisation about how difficult looking afterDM in older age will be, differences in parenting -because DGP will parent your children if they are living in their house) but I wouldn’t rush to do it again.

[itoldyouyouwouldntlikeit]

Don't sell your house, move in with your parents, rent yours out. Save money quicker then sell next year?

[madeyemoodysmum]

I'm doing it next week but it's only for a month as our house will be ready then. It's ur Dh choice tbh. Be mindful of his feelings and if he needs a night away every now and then. Let him.

[BarbedBloom]

I wouldn't personally. We have done this with MIL while our house was being sorted. MIL is lovely but it really strained all of our relationships. Small problems become major ones. For example, MIL wanted to eat together, which was nice, but it meant we could never cook spicy food as she didn't like it. She made a lot of pasta, which I don't like. We could never argue or have proper discussions without being overheard. We had our way of doing things and she had hers. As an introvert, never having time alone in the house was also a big problem for me. This wasn't just MIL as I couldn't live with my mother either. I am just very independent.

Doing this also ended my friend's marriage. It was fine at first, but gradually her husband got more and more fed up. There were little comments about how they parented as they had very different styles. Her parents didn't want her children's friends round much. My friend felt uncomfortable having sex there so that dwindled a lot. Her husband always felt like it was three against one too whenever anything happened.

I think it depends on your relationship and whether there is an end date in sight really. It also depends whether your parents treat you as adults, as MIL still saw my DH as a child and me by association.

[CheshireDing]

Just buy a smaller house near your parents and sell your current one.

Then sell again in 18 months or whatever.

DH and I moved in with my mum when we returned from living abroad (and we didn’t even have DC then) , like someone else said we rushed to buy a home then to get out of my mums. I used to think she was pretty laid back but we only lasted about 5 months, it was too much !!!

[Tentativesteps133]

Good to hear from those who have done it, though not great that neither would recommend!! I guess the get out clause is that we could always rent for 6 months if it did get too much. We don't need to save the money that we would by living there as we would have a nice amount of equity from our sale and I will still get my mat pay, its literally just mortgage affordability conditions which is stopping the purchase.

[OliviaBenson]

New baby, toddler, working from home. I think it would be too much. You should rent or buy a smaller house for now. You say about wanting a 3rd child but that needs to be shelved for now.

[reallynow1]

We've moved in with my mum. Me, dh and 2dc.
Again, enough bedrooms and a living room each. We've been here 3 yrs and it works. It completely depends on your dynamics.

[Tentativesteps133]

Oh yeah 3rd child is last thing on our minds at the moment. Those saying to buy a smaller house - I always thought it was best to minimise house selling/buying as it's so painful and expensive? Has anyone ever bought a house with the intention of moving in just a few years?

[HelgaHere1]

I agree with OliviaBenson - too much. I think your DP's will crack under the pressure of small DCs and a baby at home all day. Odd visits are not living together. They need the peace and quiet of their own home in the evening.
Can you rent.

[marblesgoing]

I think given your mums having to look after her parents at a 3 hour distance on top of having four of you permanently there inc a new born that won't be sleeping much at night etc etc is a lot to ask of your parents to be honest.

Of course they will jump to say yes it would be fab to have you because they've forgotten what's it's like having a young family.
What do your parents say about it?

[stellabelle]

I wouldn't do it ( and yes I've done it). I'd rent nearby , keep your privacy and sanity.

You've got a situation where 1) you'll be at home all the time AND have a new baby . 2) Husband working from home. 3) Parents at home. That's too many people at home ! You might all love each other to bits now, but in a house with a crying baby, no privacy to talk to each other or make love or have an argument .... things soon wear you down.

I'd rent a place near them, and keep my sanity.

[Thewheelsarefallingoff]

Rent close to your parents until you have a new job. Put your house deposit in premium bonds in the meantime. That's what I would do. Do not move in with your parents. I've never known it to work out well.

[Margaritatime]

I wouldn't sell my house I would rent it out to keep in the housing market. I would then use the income to rent near to your parents.

[Giroscoper]

I think it does come down to whether you can all be honest with each other without flying off the handle/having a strop/sulking.

I would suggest sitting down and discussing boundaries, responsibilities like cooking, shopping and cleaning and for the first few months having a weekly meeting to address any issue so they can be stopped and resentment doesn't build.

I would do it but save hard in order to have the option to leave earlier than planned. My sister lived with my parents for 3 weeks due to a house move completion date issue, she said it was the worst 3 weeks of her life and she gets on amazingly with our parents, even seeing each other every day was the norm so this was a shock. It was mainly our Dad being an arse about having his space invaded.

[FamilyOfAliens]

You also need to factor in two lots of removals costs (plus storage costs until you get your own place).

I would be completely shelving the third baby idea for now. You may find two is enough.

[FamilyOfAliens]

It was mainly our Dad being an arse about having his space invaded.

Sounds like he wasn’t on board with it from the start.