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At breaking point with dh

(15 Posts)
Heyjude20 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:43:38

I’m at breaking point and I don’t know what to do.

I love my husband dearly. We have 1 biological child together and I have two older ones from a previous marriage. They absolutely adore him. Especially my oldest daughter.

We have an amazing life, he works hard and provides everything we need and more.

The problem is I feel so unloved and unwanted and ugly. He barely touches me, kisses me etc. We barely have sex, he doesn’t come near me. Iv tried talking to him about 10 times. He ends up making out that I make things up, that it’s not true. I’m on a brink of a breakdown and I just want him to hold me, but instead he turns his back on me. He has suffered with his mental health, and every time he’s needed me Iv been there. Holding him and stroking his head.

I don’t know what more I can do. I don’t want to break my family up and I love him so much.

Iv never felt so unattractive and unwanted it my life.

He says he loves me, he fancies me and he wants to be with me. But why is he not putting the effort in?

He says he’s always tired. He works long hours though so it’s understandable. He’s so moody lately too, moans about bloody everything. He wasn’t like this before.

I don’t know what to do.

Heyjude20 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:44:59

I have borderline personality disorder so I’m not sure if it’s just my mind making me feel this way or what.

Babooshkar Fri 14-Feb-20 21:49:44

Sorry OP, this sounds awful.

Could he be having an affair?

Jonb6 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:52:22

Your needs are not being met. Have you looked at relationship counselling together?

Heyjude20 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:57:39

He’s 100% not having an affair. He’s not the type, he’s always not been very sexual and I can live with that but it’s the affection that I want.

I thought about counselling/therapy. I’m not sure he would do it. He has problems talking about his emotions and things. He’s very shut down. He didn’t have a very good up bringing where he was told to hide his emotions.

LastInTheQueue Fri 14-Feb-20 21:58:21

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I was in a similar position - my husband was lovely in every aspect, except we had a totally dead bedroom that resulted me constantly doubting myself as a woman and a person. We talked about it, even had counselling, and nothing changed.
We’ve been separated for over a year now, and I have found someone who has helped me rebuild my self love and esteem.

If he’s willing to talk and address this, I can only advise you to leave. I know that sounds harsh, but that kind of neglect eats away at your very soul and nothing is worth it.

RandomMess Fri 14-Feb-20 22:02:17

Your BPD is making it feel very intense and rejecting.

What happens if you just ask to cuddle up on the sofa/in bed?

Howmanysleepsnow Fri 14-Feb-20 22:08:44

I voted YANBU but I think what you’re feeling is exacerbated by your BPD. You can’t help that, so it’s not unreasonable, but at the same time it’s who he is and his tiredness seems to exacerbate that. Maybe you need to spend time together more earlier in the day when he’s less exhausted if possible to rekindle a connection?

Heyjude20 Fri 14-Feb-20 22:09:54

He will snuggle me, he likes to lie on me and I stroke his hair. But it’s very much I give him attention.

My bpd is driving me insane. My mind is telling me I hate him and to leave, but I never want to do that. He’s my soul mate and the best thing that could happen to me. But I’m struggling mentally.

RandomMess Fri 14-Feb-20 22:11:50

Can you ask him to stroke your hair back? Or something specific like that.

HavenDilemma Fri 14-Feb-20 22:17:02

I dated someone just like this! Feels awful. You just want some passion!!!!! Destroys your self esteem, I know. It felt like I was dating a Lamppost....

Left the relationship convinced he was either struggling with his sexuality or was simply A-Sexual; despite his protestations that he loved me and fancied me etc

Point is - Once they become like this, it never changes.

Echobelly Fri 14-Feb-20 22:18:41

It does sound like he might be depressed as well, not having energy and being very down. I think counselling together might be an idea.

Heyjude20 Fri 14-Feb-20 22:19:00

Don’t know if it’s part of it but he didn’t lose his virginity until the year before we got together so he doesnt really have any experience..

ddraigygoch Fri 14-Feb-20 22:26:40

I don't like to much physical interaction. I like laying next to my husband. But if he constantly wanted to cuddle I wouldn't like that.
I like my back scratched and that's about it.
You could just have two different needs.

Does he show you love in other ways?
I think I read something on here about love language before.

KarmaStar Fri 14-Feb-20 22:55:18

Can you persuade him to see a counsellor op? Or at least his GP?
I can imagine how you must feel ,I hope he does something about it before he loses

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