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Do I have to talk to ex when he is on video chat with toddler

(103 Posts)
byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 18:38:02

My kid is 2.5 I’ve moved in with family across the country. My ex messages me nearly everyday Ranging from chit chat to him threatening me/intermediating me, I’ve asked him to leave me alone right now I just can’t handle it.

He wants to speak to kid more which is fine twice a week rather than once, so they spoke today...I had a crappy day I can not face him after his recent chats so I pop toddler in front of chat and busy myself nearby folding clothes etc.

I directed kid back to screen, put filters on to keep amusement etc but didn’t actually speak to ex.

I got these messages after
Ex: Must admit found it a little odd you didn't want to be on screen today, not even to say hello.
Me:It’s contact between you and kid not you and me.
Ex: Wow, ok. Never said you had to.
But let's consider what message you are giving kid by ignoring.

Background he is emotionally and financially abusive, when I arrived at my mums I had lost 3 stone July-December because I was starving.
I had asked him for space last week and to only talk about kid for now.

Jengnr Fri 14-Feb-20 18:40:55

‘I’m giving him/her a strong message about boundaries. Now fuck off’

GabriellaMontez Fri 14-Feb-20 18:43:00

The message is "I'm busy tidying up"

No need to speak to him. Yanbu

Rockingham1 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:43:04

What @Jengnr said

Don’t engage with the controlling dickhead

RandomMess Fri 14-Feb-20 18:43:16

Google Grey Rock.

It is about him to have contact with DC only, ignore him!

SmileEachDay Fri 14-Feb-20 18:47:13

I wouldn’t respond to that at all. Except perhaps to confirm the time for the next video chat.

(Does he actually interact well with DC? Does DC find the video chat engaging?)

NearlyGranny Fri 14-Feb-20 18:48:44

If you drop out of the conversations, it will be interesting to see how often he finds he wants to talk to DC. You are giving a strong, clear, positive message to both of them imo.

Power to your elbow!

TabbyMumz Fri 14-Feb-20 18:49:44

Just dont answer the initial message. You are allowing him to bully you. If you dont answer, he has no get in or opportunity to bully. Just dont get into conversation.

byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 18:52:42

He does try to interact with dc but generally parroting what I’m saying. Dc went to the park and saw the ducks...him oh you went to the park? Did you see ducks?
But he often chats with me and I’m sick of feeling like I’m forced to interact with him so today I was like f you!

(I’m pretty far away so video chat is his only contact right now)

byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 18:53:52

Or he shows dc toys they like that I accidentally left behind

mummmy2017 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:58:33

Just reply yes and no.
Send pictures or videos of child.
There will be no need to talk to him then.

converseandjeans Fri 14-Feb-20 19:10:11

I think if you try to see it from his perspective? I would struggle with only speaking to my kids once or twice a week. I can see why he wants more. I don't think you should be involved in chat but surely you could facilitate daily FaceTime? So he can say hello/goodnight?

MeridianB Fri 14-Feb-20 19:12:26

YADNBU OP. Don’t apologise or explain or change your behaviour to suit him. Protect yourself and your little ones. flowers

MeridianB Fri 14-Feb-20 19:14:31

I’m cringing to see that this thread is just a few responses in and someone feels sorry for him. shock

Troels Fri 14-Feb-20 19:19:08

Background he is emotionally and financially abusive, when I arrived at my mums I had lost 3 stone July-December because I was starving.

Why would anyone feel sorry for someone who could do this to another person?
He only wants to video chat the toddler, to get to you. Like others say grey rock all the way.

CakeandCustard28 Fri 14-Feb-20 19:19:44

* I think if you try to see it from his perspective? *
Are you fucking joking? The dickhead made OP starve from being an Abusive dickhead. The days of seeing it from his perspective have long past!
YANBU op, he’s lucky you allow contact still after what he put you through.

Double3xposure Fri 14-Feb-20 19:19:48

Stop taking to him on the video chat. It’s not your job to facilitate his relationship with his child.

Have your thought why you want your child to keep in touch with an abusive man ?

byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 19:20:40

So I need to disrupt my entire day to go around his schedule?
@converseandjeans I said to him just tell me when your free as he has odd hours as long as it’s not nap time or too close to bedtime. He said I knew his hours and then after asking repeatedly he said he was only free sunday and since en every week he randomly demands different days and gets angry if I don’t facilitate it because I have plans.

Last week I was 10 minutes late to a family lunch where everyone was waiting downstairs as he wouldn’t stop.

JuanSheetIsPlenty Fri 14-Feb-20 19:23:15

Don’t even respond to any of his texts complaining about your behaviour. The only texts you respond to are texts arranging his contact with the child. Don’t engage with any comments about you, your behaviour, your attitude etc.

Wannabangbang Fri 14-Feb-20 19:24:20

Don't let him video chat, he's using it as a means to still get at you. Videos of dc and pictures voice calls are enough

byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 19:24:53

I live abroad and he has rights but I have a appointment with the woman’s center next week

byebyeboyee Fri 14-Feb-20 19:26:09

I need to get a clearer standing of what’s going on legally as my lawyer was fleecing me. My ex has no cash well apparently..

Jengnr Fri 14-Feb-20 19:31:05

@converseandjeans she IS facilitating face time. She just doesn’t want to talk to him herself

AdaColeman Fri 14-Feb-20 19:34:21

He’s just using the chat with the child as a way of controlling you. See how he tries to use guilt (“let’s consider what message etc”) to manipulate you into engaging with him? No doubt when you do interact with him he takes the opportunity to undermine you even more?

As for the business with the toys you left behind, that’s simply malicious. In what way does that benefit the child? Can you get replacement toys from charity shops, give them to the child to wave back at him.

What a nasty bastard he is. Ignore, ignore and then ignore some more!

RandomMess Fri 14-Feb-20 19:37:59

Offer him fixed times on fixed days if he can't make it tough.


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