To not want to phone my mum everyday

[mumof2monsters]

I am a 38 year old mum of 2 young children. I work full time shifts which are opposite shifts to my husband so one of us is always at home with the kids.
My mum who is 71 lives 70 miles away from me and has been a widower for 4 years. My mum expects me to call her everyday. I have just come back from being away for 3 days so did not speak to her for the three days I was away. This has totally pissed her off I should have called her whilst I was away. I tried to call her yesterday and she would not answer the phone which had me worried (she has done this before and I had to call the police as thought she was ill or hurt)I finally spoke to her today and she ranted at me that she had not spoken to me for three days, I do not care about her etc etc. She has recently spent 2 weeks at our house and I saw her last weekend. She is also pissed off because it was my DS 6th birthday on weds and she did not see him on his birthday but had seen him 3 days before. She said I snubbed her on his birthday last year and this year!
I have 2 brothers who are a waste of space and she says I should do more as I am a girl!!!!
I quite often call her at 5 in the evening whilst preparing the kids tea and it is hard to talk as the kids are always on in the background. She says I should call her back later when the kids are in bed, but to be honest if I have been up since 5.30 am and have been at work and then had the kids all afternoon by the time the evening comes I am fit for slouching with a glass of wine infront of the tv.
She also expects us to take her on holiday and have her every christmas. Sometimes I want family time on our own.
The worst bit of all is that she is a hypochondriac and has every ailment under the sun and spends most of her time talking continually and complaining . Whatever I do never seems good enough. Today I totally lost it with her because she said I do not understand she is lonely and I do not care about her.
I have a family of my own, I work full time and get zero time for me.
She has no hobbies, cannot drive and does not really have any friends.
Am I being unreasonable to not expect to call her everyday especially when I am away. Sorry to rant but had enough and really cross

[themoon66]

YANBU.... My mum is 76, a widow who lives 75 miles away.

I ring her approx once a week. Any more frequent and we struggle to find anything to talk about.

When my dad first died my sister took to ringing my mum every single day. My mum had to ask her to stop as there was nothing to say that was new.

What do you find to talk about every single day?

[lilolilmanchester]

YANBU. She is blackmailing you emotionally. As I see it, you have 2 main choices: either you carry on phoning her every day OR you make some changes. Remind her how busy you are, tell her you will phone her e.g. for 5 minutes every other night then phone for a longer chat on whichever day suits you best. Once or twice a week. That'll be hard for you and your Mum won't like it. But she's not happy with you when you ARE phoning every day, so she proabably won't be able to complain too much more if you change what you're doing. Meantime, work on your brothers. Your Mum is obviously lonely, and they need to be encouraged to contact her more often. Seems whichever decision you make, it's going to be tough... Good luck

[HonoriaGlossop]

YANBU.

I hate it when parents pull this 'duty' stuff. It's not what you're a parent in order to get, or it shouldn't be.

It's up to your mum to create the kind of relationship with you where you actually WANT to speak to her.

I speak to my mum every day, but that is because she happens to be my best friend as well as my mum. She shares in the details of my life and I can trust that she will share in my ups and downs and understand completely. She would rather gnaw her own leg off than have me make a 'duty' phone call to her!

So, YANBU. Get on to your brothers! just because she gives them permission to do less, doesn't mean you have to accept it!

[EllieG]

No you are not being unreasonable MOM. Sounds like maybe your Mum could do with a little bit of honesty - perhaps sit her down and explain your situation when you are both calm so you can put it in a way that will reassure her? TBH, if my Mum was like that it would drive me bananas, I think you've had loads of patience with her already!
Perhaps try ringing her every other day and cutting down gradually to once a week? And making quality time so she is reassured that you still care?
(On holiday thing - I would just be really straight with her and tell her you want some family time, but that's just me, as I am very protective of my time off - like you say, working full time you need a chance to chill just you and you DP/DC's)

[mumof2monsters]

Well we don't really she just goes on about herself and her aches and pains and I just struggle to listen. I get to the point where it is a chore to ring and a chore to listen.
My husband speaks to his mum every few days and they live a few miles from us but we don't speak to them everyday as they are always busy and so are we.
She feels as I am the only girl of three children that I should be the one making the most effort as thats what girls/daughters do

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

YANBU.
Your brothers need to do more, she needs to get a life (ie make some friends, get hobbies). You cannot be expected to be her entire social life.

Someone does have to have her at Christmas and preferably she should get a holiday with family every so often, but it shouldn't always be you. You being a girl should have nothing to do with it.

[alicet]

Agree 100% with Kathyis6incheshigh.

I think you need to talk to her about how busy you are and that you don't have time to call her every day. Make an agreement to call her as often as you think you will stick to and stick to it. Maybe once or twice a week - then call her when the kids are in bed and make sure you give her a bit of time - this will probably be better for both of you rather than 5 mins of resentful chat. Agree too that you shouldn't necessarily call when you're away although maybe give her a quick call to check she is OK if you're away for longer than a week. Talk to your brothers about alternating the calls with you so she's not 'ignored' for longer than a day or two.

And if she wants to chat she always has the option to call you! We had this with mil a while back - she sent texts to dh saying she was crying because she felt lonely and he hadn't called - well pick up the bloody phone yourself and call him then! It made him really cross especially as he had tried and she didn't answer landline and mobile was off! Made him want to speak to her less. Now he calls regularly once a week and everyone is happy.

good luck!

[mumof2monsters]

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I have just had a not very nice text from her having a go at me again. Have text back and said enough is enough and will talk to her in a few days when I have calmed down.

I am sadly getting to the point where I have had enough of her selfish behaviour and lack of understanding. I have to say I do not remember her calling her mother everyday and taking her mother on holiday when I was a kid.

Fortunately my MIL is great and we never have that problem with her.

Thanks again and will call her in a few days when I feel better about the situation