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Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

(530 Posts)
IveGot3kids Mon 10-Feb-20 10:18:32

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

TheGirlWithAPrince Mon 10-Feb-20 10:19:37

I wouldnt bother, plenty of lovely guys out there and I wouldnt want to be constantly fleeting the bill

puds11 Mon 10-Feb-20 10:21:01

It depends if you are happy to not go out or to always pay. Personally I wouldn’t bother.

RedHelenB Mon 10-Feb-20 10:22:51

If it's genuinely that he can't afford it and not that he is being tight yabu imo. Just do cheaper stuff.

feelingverylazytoday Mon 10-Feb-20 10:23:12

Why don't you try doing things together that don't cost money?

WorraLiberty Mon 10-Feb-20 10:23:43

'Continue' to pay for all of the dates?

Does that mean you've paid for them all so far?

That'd set alarm bells ringing for me tbh.

balonzz Mon 10-Feb-20 10:23:58

I had this once. He was a lovely guy but permanently skint and in the end it does get you down. Unfortunately I would move on if I were you, OP.

formerbabe Mon 10-Feb-20 10:24:55

You can end a relationship for any reason you want.

FuzzyAtmosphere Mon 10-Feb-20 10:24:59

Socialising doesn’t need to be expensive, so what is it that you have been doing or plan to do?

raspberryk Mon 10-Feb-20 10:25:43

Lots of people can't afford dates every week, I am a student and was when I was dating and neither my partner or I could go on weekly expensive dates so we went/and still do, "date" at home regularly.
When we moved in together I became worse off through student finance and no benefits, and he took a wage drop... but we are both happier together with less money than seperate with more money.
I was rejected for being a single mum on benefits/and as a student and thought, well at least the arseholes have filtered themselves out. More fool them for overlooking me and being short sighted about my income.

BilboBercow Mon 10-Feb-20 10:26:22

I don't buy that he doesn't have any disposable cash, I'm a lone parent who earns less than a nurse and can still afford the odd night out. Any man happy for a woman to continue to pay for everything in the early days is one to avoid

OneRingToRuleThemAll Mon 10-Feb-20 10:27:04

Are you happy paying for everything? And setting the bar so that when your families are merged you will pay for everything for his children too?

bibliomania Mon 10-Feb-20 10:27:15

I wouldn't pay for all dates, and I wouldn't like someone to pay for all their dates with me - it's not a gender thing, it's a fair contribution thing. In your shoes, I'd do it if you're happy to keep socialising on the cheap - nursing a half or a single coffee for ages, going for a walk, cooking a meal together, other, ahem, low cost activities. Personally I'd be fine with this. Any suggestion that the other person wanted to do more expensive things, always at my expense, then I'd start feeling quite exploited and I'd be off.

IveGot3kids Mon 10-Feb-20 10:28:17

@WorraLiberty

Yes, we've had a couple of lunch dates where I paid and a take away I paid for as well. He did buy a coffee on one of the lunch dates.

@RedHelenB

I think he's genuine, I don't think there's anything sinister about it.\

He did come over and I cooked dinner, which was nice and I certainly don't have to go out all the time, but it's nice to. I've never expected a man to pay, but I've never been in this situation before.

Pippin2028 Mon 10-Feb-20 10:28:17

It won't be fun for you to be paying for everything all the time, you will resent this eventually and I don't really know how any man can fully be comfortable with letting a woman they are dating pay all the time.

MamaGee09 Mon 10-Feb-20 10:28:30

I Wouldn’t pay for every date, can you not do things that don’t cost, has he said he has no disposable income or are you presuming? He must know that he needs money for going out on dates!

I honestly couldn’t be wi5 someone who isn’t good with money, it stresses me out. I’m not wealthy but I have some savings and to be with someone who doesn’t have extra money to spend would stress me.

Buggedandconfused Mon 10-Feb-20 10:29:17

No I couldn’t do this. It would be a joyless relationship for me.

CalmdownJanet Mon 10-Feb-20 10:29:38

Have you paid for all the dates for far? I think we need more information, I mean after 5/6 dates how do you know it's his lack of disposable income as opposed to him just being tight?

Either way after 5-6 dates I would say this would be a non runner for me, just from the little information you have given

AutumnRose1 Mon 10-Feb-20 10:30:07

well it's up to you

dating him would be like dating me, lol. what little disposable income I have, I won't spend on socialisng stuff. I wouldn't even go to Pizza Express without a voucher.

if someone said they couldn't date someone with no money, ie. me, I wouldn't be offended. it's an issue.

CalmdownJanet Mon 10-Feb-20 10:30:29

Sorry cross posts

What did he say when you paid? Who suggested lunch?

TwentyViginti Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:00

Why was he doing online dating when he can't afford to actually date?

Buggedandconfused Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:02

Also, you need the money for your DC’s!!

villamariavintrapp Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:01

I actually wouldn't mind too much if it's just that he has less money, though I think you'd have to have an open discussion at some point about how things would work, and it would be complicated! (Would you holiday without him? And his kids? Would you be expected to treat them equally, but how would this work, would your kids get less, would you 'compensate' his kids etc etc.) But I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't have as much because they were lazy, or stingy, or selfish etc.. if he's a nurse I assume he works hard, is probably caring, kind etc, it's just that his wage isn't as high as it should be..

Brazi103 Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:33

I too wouldnt bother. It seems shallow but it could end up breaking the relationship anyway.
You will become resentful of being limited to what you can do/ always paying extra just so he can join.
And then what happens with th kids in the mix? You want to do something with your kids and want him to join, but he cant because his kids miss out.
That's just possibly the tip of the huge issue it can become.

CalmdownJanet Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:35

Did he bring something when you cooked?

Did he acknowledge before that he had no money for lunch out?

So many questions 😂

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