This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)(428 Posts)
DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.
He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.
Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.
I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).
I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.
He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.
He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.
But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?
How do we do this fairly?
OMG this thread is so frustrating... OP please see what he is doing to you
OK, well at least you didn't cancel any of your plans for him. That's progress. You still have a way to go, but you've taken the first step.
What NurseButtercup says is very true. He puts himself first. You put him first. Who is putting you first?
I think we can all assume he IS a dickwad. Sorry Op.
@NurseButtercup OMG are you me?!
So @TeaForTara... So of course he got home and asked if I’d asked friend to drive. I said not as he said he wasn’t bothered. He didn’t say anything to be fair or play but then maybe he didn’t need to as I said (paraphrasing) “I’m not changing my shopping plans for Sunday but I will just not go to the gym tomorrow so you can take the car to see DSD”. He said he’d drop me off etc so he dropped me off and I got a taxi. On the one hand I didnt mind and he did fill the car up as I asked him to. On the other hand it’s second time this month where I’ve spent money on a taxi while also paying for a car.
It’s hard because I am latching onto the positives and thinking he has been better and if we hadn’t all established he is financially abusive then no one would bat and eyelid at him using the car to see DSD when he has put petrol in etc
But that assumes he can change or isnt a total dick wad
I've read the entire thread with this expression and I feel very sad reading your updates. I very nearly married a man who displayed similar behaviour to your DH. I also had an identical situation with your car scenario.
He gave up his old car & refused point blank to put any £££ into replacing his car. But he somehow manipulated me into making it my responsibility to sort out a car for him. I gave him my old car, I paid the tax, mot and insurance for him. I then bought a new car for me and he always used to take the keys for my new car (without asking), leaving me with the old car.
His argument was why have I got a problem when I still have access to a car? Like your DH he would return the car dirty and with no petrol. It was my car so my responsibility to keep it clean and, I earned more £££ so I can put petrol in it blah blah blah.... eventually we only had one car because I wanted to save for a house deposit and refused to pay for his car. He ran it into the ground and sold the car and kept the £££.
The cycle of him borrowing my car started again - he used to take the keys without asking. This is the point when the scales fell from eyes. I very clearly remember the morning I was stood at the bus stop in the torrential rain looking for change to pay for the bus.
I loved this man with all my heart and put up with the car nonsense and other forms of emotional and financial abuse in the name of love. I won't derail your thread with my stories...
Based upon what you've shared, your DH always puts his needs ahead of yours..
Isn't it time you put yourself first?
I want to remind you of one of your posts from approx two weeks ago:
I see myself as a strong woman and hate that I’m actually in an abusice marriage and have allowed it to continue for years. I hate more that I am still not sure I will leave.
So, OP, what happened at the weekend? I hope you didn’t cave but I suspect you did. He has done a right number on you.
That word "cherish" is so important. When I was having a hard time with the ex, and "looking at my own behaviour" (because as women, we do. Men don't seem to bother quite as much), a friend says "he doesn't seem to cherish you". And that really stuck with me.
I looked for examples of him cherishing me and saw none. And it was instrumental in me deciding to leave him.
I know it's only one aspect of your troubles - but you should just send your husband to get a car. Today.
My husband and I both earn significantly less than you and your partner and have plenty of debt but if my car was written off today I would buy another one today. 1-2k (with 12 months MOT) either on a credit card (that I transfer yo a 0% balance) or with a loan. Job done.
You say you can manage with one car but you clearly can't as it is causing arguments and you aren't working as a team at all. You pay for the car and so want first dibs. He sometimes thinks his needs are greater (if it were being worked out on needs I do think contact with his daughter is more important than shopping/lunch). It's your car and you don't want to share it so just tell him to go buy a car today and he can use it for his contact tomorrow. The drama around the car is not necessary and it will be one less thing to argue about. If he won't buy one then he goes without.
OP, I certainly have no wish to upset you.
I don't know you, but I had a huge visceral reaction to your story.
For you to be suffering such a colossal loss of a darling baby, and to not be cherished and nurtured, was really painful for me to read.
I suspect many others had the same reaction.
The loss of a child is such a peculiar pain, that simply cannot be explained nor quantified.
I just wish you kindness, support, and a peaceful existence, going forward.
You deserve that and so much more.
It’s very sad reading about his continued abuse of you and your acceptance of it
Perhaps it's not so much the tone and more 4 posts in quick succession?!!
I agree with your posts though.
Sorry my posts sound hostile and I didn't intend them to have that tone, I'll shut up for a bit.
Have you been with him for most of your adult life so to you this is normal
No people don’t know what he does
That’s helpful and the sort of thing I’m talking about @Oblomov20
This is really easy to solve.
A will writer will sort this.
A man advertisers will writing locally to me, and I liked his scenarios / examples!
When did you last review your Will?
Secure your free Will consultation today.
So you haven’t got a Will or not had it reviewed in the past 5 years !
Did you know…..
When people remarry or meet somebody new they can potentially leave their estate vulnerable to sideways disinheritance where their children may not inherit their estate.
John and Jane met later in life after divorcing from their previous partners. Both have a child from their first relationship. John has Tina who is 18 and lives with her mum, Jane has Thomas who is 22 and lives with his partner. John and Jane now own their own home and intend spending the rest of their lives together.
John and Jane have a Will that leaves everything to each other and then to their children. Often, couples on second relationships only leave their estate to their own children or change wills after the death of a partner to leave to their own children. This is a typical scenario that many Wills are set up to do.
Sadly, John is involved in a car accident on his way to work and dies as a result of his injuries.
In this scenario, John’s estate would now pass to Jane including the house. Jane’s Will could potentially already exclude John’s daughter Tina or Jane could change her Will to leave her estate only to Thomas excluding Tina.
This scenario could happen even where the couple lived into their nineties and died within a few months of each other unless the Will has been written to offer protection from this.
A further example could be where Jane meets a further partner following John’s death.
Jane goes out with some friends one evening and meets Bob at a bar. Bob is recently divorced and has 5 children. Jane and Bob fall in love and Bob moves into Jane’s home that she once shared with John.
Some years later Jane is also involved in a car accident and tragically loses her life. In this scenario Jane has made another Will, similar to the first leaving everything to Bob in the first instance and then to her son Thomas. Bob would now receive the family home that John and Jane had worked so hard for with the children receiving nothing.
These scenarios can also apply where you have a child from a previous relationship but now also have children with a new partner.
Robert has a son, Neil, from his first wife. Robert has now married Stephanie and they have their own child, Laura. Robert and Stephanie have standard Wills that leave everything to each other and then their children.
Frequently couples in subsequent relationships tend to leave their estate to their own respective offspring or amend their Wills after the death of a partner to leave to their own children. In this case Robert has left his estate to both Neil and Laura equally but Stephanie has left her estate only to Laura.
In this scenario both have led a healthy life and live until their nineties. Robert sadly passes away through old age leaving everything to Stephanie.
Stephanie sadly passes away several months later leaving everything to Laura with Neil receiving nothing.
These scenarios are quite common and each time I discuss them with clients more often than not they know somebody where this has happened. I am able to offer advice on how you can prevent this happening and in particular how you can protect your share of the family home from sideways disinheritance so your share goes to your children or beneficiaries.
I am able to offer a no obligation daytime, evening or weekend appointment in the comfort of your own home to discuss these options and help you to protect your estate.
Call now or follow the link for more information and download your free guide or to book a no obligation home visit to discuss your circumstance.
And finally do any of your lovely friends, family, colleagues know that you spend all day worrying what he'll be like later?
That you get the same train but stand on different parts if the platform?
That he shouts in your face?
Wishing you a peaceful weekend
I think most comments here try not to be judgemental of you. But they are of him.
Do you think he carefully considers his behaviour?
I agree its desperately sad. On top of your awful bereavement. You walk on egg shells around a man who treats you like shit. It's almost worse because (unlike many women here) you do have your health, job, the financial means to leave. But you're trapped by something else. What? Hope?
I just hope you manage to leave before he does something awful like runs up loads of debts on a joint credit card.
I’m not being defensive either. I’m being honest. I don’t feel the same way all the time. Sometimes I feel very down with how things are with him. I can feel upset and almost heartbroken that it has got to that stage. I hate that he doesn’t seem to care when he’s upset me. I’m at the point of working out whether I should leave. It’s not an easy thing to do. I also don’t think I’m wrong for considering everything including my own behaviour.
Some of the comments come across as very judgmental.
It is also true that I am happy. I have a job that I love. I have family and friends. I can be happy while being unhappy about this. Or, rather, maybe I am happy sometimes and unhappy sometimes.
I don’t have all the answers but neither does anyone else from what I can see.
I’ll see what happens this weekend and if it does go the way it might then I think that tells me all I need to know...
It actually doesn't seem like you're happy at all. He must be exhausting to live with
Lots of defensiveness and minimising in your posts.
That's the saddest thing.
OP how does it make you feel that someone has said yours is a sad life to read about because they are right it is. Nothing about this life is normal and worrying all day about how he will be in the evening.
He is draining you and making you believe that this is all you deserve but it isnt you deserve much much more
Please login first.