Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

[Singlebutmarried]

You need to have the house set to tenants in common (I think) as when you die your share goes to your estate.

You need really to see an IFA who can talk you through inheritance planning.

Then you can write your will according to your wishes.

It’s my understanding that you can set up some sort of agreement whereby your DH could continue to live in the house but not wholly own it.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Yes I think we would need to hold as tenants in common rather than joint tenants but the problem is he doesn’t really agree with any of this and definitely doesn’t agree I should have a larger percentage / a larger percentage should go to my family.

I’m happy to discuss it to get to something we can both agree re the finances but he has an inability to discuss things, which doesn’t help...

[Javagrey]

I think it's fine if you want to leave money to your family but perhaps leave some to your husband too to show love. What does he want to do.? If he dies first his half of the house goes to you and then you could leave his DC out - which I guess he wouldn't want. You need to think about this properly from both sides, then both have you choices drawn up properly from legal point of view.

[Quartz2208]

This is quite worrying OP what exactly does he pay for.

You are correct it should reflect that and if he doesnt it would be a dealbreaker for me

[AnotherEmma]

I'm struggling to understand why you married him if this is your attitude to finances and inheritance.

Marriage is a financial and legal commitment as much as a romantic one.

I can understand wanting to leave money to your family of origin but not wanting to leave him anything at all just seems harsh. I would feel hurt if I were him.

[OneEpisode]

For your loss.
You don’t say how long you have been married. For many of us. If we were to die the assets would be house and death in service/pension. The house you would need to see an expert (solicitor more than IFA though). The death in service/pension you can probably change at your desk at work.

[AnotherEmma]

I was waiting for someone to say that! Mumsnet is so bloody predictable.

I actually did tell the op she is being unreasonable but don't let that stop you making generalisations!

[AnotherEmma]

Cross post I was replying to Rosita

[endofthelinefinally]

You need proper financial advice asap. If you die intestate he gets everything.
Anyone can die unexpectedly.

[Singlebutmarried]

If there was no will the value of your estate would be calculated and divided as follows

First £250k to spouse
Plus a further £200k to spouse

Remainder split 50/50 spouse and your nearest blood relative (might be a bit out on the figures)

[GreenTulips]

I agree above if he died first your family would inherit it all. He needs to protect his share as much as you do.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Sorry I thought I had made clear I am talking about it after we are both dead. I don’t know how we do this legally but we both want everything to go the other when we die (maybe a life interest? I don’t know) but then after we are both dead I would want things to be split between both our families

I am thinking of it from his perspective too

How children will inherit from his share and my family will inherit from mine

[FizzyGreenWater]

I’m happy to discuss it to get to something we can both agree re the finances but he has an inability to discuss things, which doesn’t help...

No, it doesn't, especially as you are also working through grief at the moment and all that brings. I am so sorry to hear about your DD

If he can't discuss things, then I guess you are going to have to arrange YOUR affairs as YOU see fit without reference to him. If you own the house as joint tenants now, I would presume that that would mean you will decline to pay more than a half share of anything going forward unless he agrees to change the tenancy.

However, I think the real question at the centre of this is whether you do think you will be trying for another child, either with or without him, how old you are, and how a disagreement of this sort (quite fundamental, and tied up with how you see family/your roles and responsibilities) might affect that.

[Livelovebehappy]

I would say you both need to do wills. Absolutely agree that you should leave your half to your family, but I think your DH also needs to leave his half of the house to his dd if that’s the route you are going down. Because if something happened to him, as it stands his half would go to you, and subsequently your family, and his dd would get nothing.

[raspberryk]

In a partnership I believe the bills should be split according to percentage of earning, OR leaving each partner with the same disposable income, depending on what suits the relationship.
I would also be very hurt that my partner wouldn't leave me "their half" of our home etc that we had built together. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to help a younger sibling out, but not at the expense/detriment of your dh and child.

[returnofthecat]

The issue is he is putting his kids first and can't see that your sibling, niece and nephews are "your kids" and you're putting them first. Yes, they're not your offspring, but you feel a similar sense of love and responsibility towards them and want to protect them when you're gone. Until/unless he gets that, you're not going to find any agreement.

It sounds like one of those situations where his family is your family, but your family is your family.

[Upsiedasie]

I think everything is shared in a marriage and so half is his. You should pay more for things if you ourearn him by 20k, obviously he should still contribute.

Re: the will. I don’t think you can stipulate what he leaves to people after he dies if you die first? Obviously this is a very complex issue and you need proper legal advice on where you stand. I am certainly no expert on wills.

Morally, I think you’re on shaky ground trying to leave a greater proportion of marital assets to your family based on your income.

I think I’d be upset at your attitude to finances if I were him (I am the higher earner in my marriage).

[OneEpisode]

Don’t fall for “mirror wills”. If he does first he needs to pass inheritance on to his heirs (so his daughter) then with a life interest for the widow.
The same if the op does first. A gift from her to step daughter showing love, inheritance for her family (sister etc) and life interest for widower.

[IHadADreamWhichWasNotAllADream]

That’s not true, singlebutmarried. If the OP dies intestate without children of her own (biological or adopted) then her DH gets everything. The “first £250,000” rule only apples if there are children or grandchildren surviving, not parents/grandparents/siblings.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. It must make it particularly painful to think about these issues. I do think it would be a very unusual choice to leave your half of the house away from your DH though. In your DH’s position I would take it as a sign that you weren’t committed to the marriage.

[AngelsSins]

If this was the other way round and you were a man people would say you are being unreasonable

For god sake, not every post has to be about the Poor Men and do not presume to know what we would all say, it’s incredibly arrogant, especially when you posted that after only one person had replied!

OP, this is what my step dad has done. He financially supported us whilst we were at home, but in his will, his half of the house etc go to his son - which despite the deep concern for men the poster above has, I’m perfectly fine with.

[IHadADreamWhichWasNotAllADream]

Xpost from your clarification that you’d be talking about giving your DH a life interest in the house. Not so unusual but still going to require some difficult conversations.

[Bibijayne]

You need wills made together. However he can contest yours in regards to the home you share together if you predecease him and leave it to someone else.

Better to perhaps agree on leaving in trust? Which allows either partner a life interest in your home but the property to be sold after both parties die and money split between any future DC, his DC and your younger sibling?

You really need to talk this through with a solicitor.

[Ponoka7]

"but we both want everything to go the other when we die (maybe a life interest? I don’t know) but then after we are both dead I would want things to be split between both our families"

You need legal advice. There's just been a case were a couple died of carbon monoxide poisoning and it's caused one daughter to be disinherited, because the court ruled that the Mother died last.

The rule usually is that a couple have the same disposable income and the inheritance difference is usually in the amount of savings/life insurance not property.

You are asking him to agree that he owns less than you, which isn't really on.

Becareful how you put it because you are saying that only blood relatives count as family. In a way your reasoning makes sense, except your DNs also have parents to inherit from. This could turn into a message from the grave that your SD was never family to you.

I'd concentrate on getting your everyday finances in order and make a will in regards to any savings for now, if he won't budge on the house (and I don't think he should).

[Ohffs66]

OP I have similar feelings but I have yet to do anything about it. I have considerably more assets in my name than DH and if I die first everything I have worked hard for including long before I met him would currently go to him. No issue at all with that, of course I would want him to be ok and financially sound without me. My issue is that then potentially my SDC will end up inheriting what was originally 'my' money which I'm not happy with (we do not and will not have joint DCs), I have other beneficiaries I would want it to go to if there was anything left when DH passed. I understand that some sort of trust can resolve this issue but it's a difficult conversation to have so I haven't yet.