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Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

(544 Posts)
Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

aNonnyMouse1511 Tue 28-Jan-20 18:04:15

Tell him to get a bloody better job. If he wants the nice holidays then he will have to pay for them! Health and time with family should always be a priority over finances.

RiddleyW Tue 28-Jan-20 18:05:49

I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed.

TheABC Tue 28-Jan-20 18:05:58

I would also hold off on TTC. Simply because childcare for 2 under 2 will be extortionate.

WorraLiberty Tue 28-Jan-20 18:06:28

What was decided before you had the 18 month old?

RiddleyW Tue 28-Jan-20 18:06:30

Anyway, no he can’t stop you leaving your job.

Whiteskies7 Tue 28-Jan-20 18:06:58

What would you say if your husband wanted to give up work and be a SAHP?

CrimsonCattery Tue 28-Jan-20 18:07:12

Can you change job? It doesn't have to be all or nothing?

Did you enjoy your job before? Small children is a hard stage? Is it worth it to keep your career trajectory? Can you move sideways for a bit?

Tombakersscarf Tue 28-Jan-20 18:07:55

I don't understand pp - one person leaving their job shouldn't be a unilateral decision in a household. It will put a lot more pressure on the wage earner to be the only wage earner. And what happens to you in the future Op? Staying at home can be a long term solution to a short term problem.
I'm not understanding the part time work/full time pay scenario - sounds great! Would your employer let you reduce to part time but for a few years, and have you costed the impact of the change on your family? Savings too, ie less childcare.

OwlinaTree Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:06

Can you both drop a day? Then your children are with a parent more and there's less impact on money.

I wouldn't want my partner to go part time tbh.

SophieSong Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:18

It sounds like it would be better for you to hold off TTC your second child while this situation is ongoing. It's already not working for you as it is, and you haven't resolved this issue with your husband so why add a second child into the mix as things stand?

CrimsonCattery Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:20

I must admit I would be v unhappy if my partner unilaterally decided to make me the only breadwinner and solely responsible for the financials.

formerbabe Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:25

I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed

I thought that!

OccasionalNachos Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:27

I understand how you feel but it is very, very unwise to leave a flexible, well paid job to be a SAHM. It would be very stressful for your husband to be the sole earner, and whilst he seems to be expressing himself badly, he does have a valid point.

Silenceofthebams Tue 28-Jan-20 18:08:39

Part time hours on full pay? Where do I get one of those?

VBT2 Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:03

I think SAHP-ing has to be by mutual agreement. Part time seems a reasonable compromise though. Good luck.

Tombakersscarf Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:10

One way to be at home more for your toddler is to have another maternity leave of course.

19lottie82 Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:35

I can’t really advise without knowing detailed figures about both incomes and your outgoings. However I don’t think it’s really fair to expect to give up work and your husband to work FT. I understand you want to spend time with your DD, most people would want that, but equally most people have to work! Would PT not be a workable compromise?

Shadyshadow Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:37

No he cant stop you leaving your job.

But I would leave dp, if he just decided to cut our household budget because he wanted to be part time or stay at home.

I am the higher earner and no way would I be financially reliant on my husband or partner.

He cant stop you. But he can decide how he wants to deal with it if you do.

SabineSchmetterling Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:46

I think this is a family decision rather than an individual one. If he’s not happy to compromise and neither are you then it may end up being a dealbreaker. I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable, you just might find that your visions of family life might not be compatible,

DamnShesaSexyChick Tue 28-Jan-20 18:09:58

What? Of course you can't just decide to live off his dollar, you both need to provide for your child, if your job is negatively affecting your health then find another one.

SueEllenMishke Tue 28-Jan-20 18:11:08

I'm wondering what the responses would be if the roles were reversed on this thread.
I think the decision for anyone to be a SAHP needs to be a joint decision. It's unfair to force one person to bear full financial responsibility for a family.

Mossyfern Tue 28-Jan-20 18:11:29

How much do you both earn and where do you live?

If you're looking at living on his £75k salary in a cheap part of the country it's a very different situation to living on a £25k salary in London, for ex.

Do you pay for childcare or do family provide it? As others have said, this will be very expensive for 2 children.

PutYourLipsTogetherAndBlow Tue 28-Jan-20 18:11:45

* i feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed*

The difference with the sexes being reversed though is that DH isn’t actually carrying a baby for nine months, giving birth and then breastfeeding all whilst trying to conceive another one and hold down a high powered job with very long hours - It’s not the same.

You should do whatever is best for you Op - Your dh shouldn’t be able to control what you do especially if it’s damaging to your health. It does sound like it will cause massive problems in your relationship though.
Are you sure you want another child with this man??

DeeZastris Tue 28-Jan-20 18:11:52

Well there’s no company on the planet which will let you drop hours and keep the same pay.
How about you both drop a day? He might enjoy some extra family time too.

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