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To look through DP's phone?

(196 Posts)
hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:24:46

So i wouldn't usually do this BUT dp has been acting suspicious with his phone lately!

It's never leaves his side, he slept with it under his pillow, wont leave me alone with his phone and i can feel the anxiety coming from him when his phone is in my hand! He went out on the weekend and i noticed he has someone new following him on Instagram and he followers her (someone fairly "Instagram famous" from the area his office is and who i know goes to the same place he drinks after work) I only noticed this last night when he was sleeping and have been fuming ever since and planning to go through his phone tonight when he is sleeping as i know his pass code as long as he hasn't changed it!

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something! He follows lots of these Instagram famous girls from the area he used to live and still works and i think its all very sad a shallow. I've had enough now I let this man move into my house after only 7 months (we've been together for a year now) so feel i have a right to look through his phone and know whats really going on! I'm 29 and he's 33.

AIBU? Not that i care because i will be going through his phone regardless but feel like maybe my anger is getting the better of me right now.

mbosnz Tue 28-Jan-20 16:27:50

Just how much of a relationship do you actually have if you already have severe trust issues within a year, seven months of which you have been living together? And you have reasons not to trust him from the beginning of the relationship?

Have you raised your concerns with him? Asked to see his phone? Would you be okay with him helping himself to your phone in such a way if he had similar concerns - justified or not?

mbosnz Tue 28-Jan-20 16:28:31

Sorry, 5 months living together!

Butterflyflower1234 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:30:50

If you want to find something to be mad at, you will find something. Clearly there is no trust there so cut your losses and move on.

Tattooedmama Tue 28-Jan-20 16:33:16

It does sound suspicious, i know how you feel and i found exactly what my spidey senses were telling me.
He had instagram after telling me he didnt have it, and had been messaging a few ex's.
You wont be able to rest until you get the truth, weather its from looking yourself or asking him outright whats going on. Ask to see his phone, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:33:31

We have a great relationship other than this recent issue I've noticed with his phone. He never used be to like this with his phone and i know when someones energy changes i'm sure any women does we can just feel it - intuition.

I wouldn't care if he looked through my phone behind my back at all because i'm not hiding anything and if that made him feel better then that's fine.

Nicknacky Tue 28-Jan-20 16:33:55

If you don’t trust him then end it. But no, you have no right to look through his phone and your paranoia about Instagram followers is just daft.

WombatStewForTea Tue 28-Jan-20 16:38:08

I have reasons not to trust him from something that happened at the start of our relationship and it seems like everytime he goes out (which isn't often tbh) there is something!

We have a great relationship other than this recent issue I've noticed with his phone.

These two statements kinda contradict each other OP. Doesn't sound like there's much trust at all.

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 28-Jan-20 16:41:27

Sorry but I think YABU. If you have trust issues then you need to talk with him about his change in behaviour. You should not violate his privacy by going through his phone. Your frame of mind is such that even him liking an Instagram post will be conflated with evidence of guilty intent to cheat.
If the relationship is no longer good, you do not need to manufacture a cheating bastard scenario to end it. Just end it without dramatics.

Andersonx3 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:43:59

You sound quite insecure - following 'famous' girls on Instagram isn't necessarily 'sad' or 'shallow'. Have you asked him directly? Voiced how you feel?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 28-Jan-20 16:45:38

i have a right to look through his phone

No you don't.

You sound jealous and paranoid. If you don't trust him, end it. No point dragging it out and invading his privacy.

Chickychoccyegg Tue 28-Jan-20 16:46:10

to be honest, if i suspected something i would look, my dh and i leave our phones laying around, if one of us has a dead battery or wants to look for something we have no problem with the other using our phon, we dont just nose through each others phones, but if my dh's behaviour changed , i would have a good look.

Jomarchsburntskirt Tue 28-Jan-20 16:52:23

You don’t have any right to look through anyone’s phone. What’s the point in a relationship where you feel you have to do this.

Branster Tue 28-Jan-20 16:53:16

It sounds like you are dating a 15 year old.
I don’t think it’s worth your time and energy to snoop through his phone. Following someone ‘famous’ (wtf does that even mean?!) means nothing in terms of cheating. Following anyone on Instagram is beyond infantile.
Anyway, his phone is his own property and he is free to use it how he wants and not to allow other people to access it.
You are a bit emotional about it all and it may be that you simply don’t trust him. Or maybe he is not the trustworthy type. Nothing to do with the phone. You would find something else to be suspicious about if it wasn’t the phone.
5 months in and you are already so upset, how would you go through 4 or 5 decades of this?

PixieDustt Tue 28-Jan-20 16:55:36

You don't have the right to go through someone else's phone. I don't have anything to hide but would be fuming if DP felt the need to go through my phone fgs.

hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:55:45

I'm far from insecure. I'm actually very secure within myself but to me there are do and don'ts in a relationship and if i wouldn't do certain things to him i expect them to not be done to me! I find the whole Instagram thing disrespectful as i'm sure he wouldn't like it if I started following a good looking guy I met at my gym.
BUT this alone wouldn't have bothered me to much if it wasn't for how he's been acting with his phone.

Jayaywhynot Tue 28-Jan-20 16:58:18

I'd look, yeah I know you shouldn't but if I were suspicious I'd sure as shit go through his phone.

hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 16:59:23

I get that most people would say its wrong to go through his phone but with the way hes been acting lately i don't trust him at the moment.

GinDaddy Tue 28-Jan-20 17:00:30

No one has a "right" to look through someone else's phone.

Period.

If this was a man posting about a woman, the replies would be all along the lines that he was a controlling, insecure bastard and get rid.

I'm sorry that you feel your partner may be acting suspiciously.

But the only way, the decent way, to resolve this is to confront him directly and address his behaviour.

Sparkle567 Tue 28-Jan-20 17:01:25

im sure he wouldn't like it if I started following a good looking guy I met at my gym.

You do sound insecure. If it’s someone he chats to and sees then I can’t see the problem.

hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 17:03:59

What else am i supposed to do? Ask him...? He obviously isn't going to admit he's talking to anyone else.

Leave him? How can i leave someone I love just because of the way he is acting with his phone come off it who would actually do that!

So the only choice i have is to look through his phone and yes he is my partner and living in my house so I feel i have a right to do this. If i find nothing then my bad no harm done but if i do find something then my gut was right.

EeWellIllGoToTheFootOfOurStair Tue 28-Jan-20 17:05:21

Haven't you posted about this before?

Nicknacky Tue 28-Jan-20 17:05:42

I follow loads of people on Instagram. Folk from the gym, my work and famous people. I’m not trying to shag them, following them is the whole point of Instagram!

hollyb11 Tue 28-Jan-20 17:06:40

No eewlll this is my first time posting on this site.

LanternLighter Tue 28-Jan-20 17:06:44

I’d look if I had suspicions. If there’s nothing going on you won’t find anything.
And I wouldn’t care if my dp checked my phone if he wanted reassurance over something.

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