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I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible wife

(72 Posts)
Watershed1 Tue 28-Jan-20 13:22:22

I have two sons, aged 5 and 14 months. I love them dearly and before they arrived I would say I was happily married. I still love my husband but we lead different lives. He's out at work all day, my life revolves around the boys. I'm tired, I feel like I had a previous life. I don't really take care of myself any more like I used to, I have nothing to say to DH when he comes home, I feel I lead a boring, lonely life. I don't feel attractive anymore. I don't go out and socialise much. My confidence has gone.

I work part-time, and I do all the running around in the morning to get the kids fed/dressed/dropped off. DH works some way away so he's up and out really early. I often don't eat breakfast, I rush to get myself into the office on time. Feel like I've done a day's work already by the time I get there.

Don't feel valued by anyone anymore. I often feel I don't know who I am. I'm looking for validation, have found that if someone says something nice to me at work I'm overcome with delight and get attached to them.

I do still love DH but the reality is my life has changed completely after having kids, his hasn't. He's continued with his career, his routine. I have become an exhausted, lonely servant who basically just scurries around all day looking after the kids and cleaning house. I feel de-valued in my job, I've been there ages and whilst it's been a steady earner whilst I've had the family there's no progression for me. It sucks, I'm not happy anymore.

And, yet I appreciate the kids so much, they're happy and healthy and they have become my world. But there's nothing left for me and this makes me sad and frustrated. I also feel like a terrible mother and wife for thinking like this. AIBU?

Whynosnowyet Tue 28-Jan-20 13:25:08

Grab your big girl pants and delegate. Dh is also 50 % parent not just working man.
Alert him to this tonight...

Clevererthanyou Tue 28-Jan-20 13:26:22

Yes YABU, but only to yourself cake it is bone crushingly tedious to grow small people and it doesn’t feel wonderful and magical for everyone. Of course it doesn’t mean you love your children less smile I sense that you feel quite empty at the current situation (please correct me if I’m wrong), I wonder though if you have had any thoughts on outcomes you would like to see?

Brazi103 Tue 28-Jan-20 13:27:17

Yanbu at all. As you say your life has changed but his hasnt. Why is it that he gets to carry on as before yet you are running yourself rugged. That's not ok at all.
Even if he is out of the house alot there is alot that he could still do. What does he do wrt the home and childcare?
I'm a sahm and my dh always pulled his weight regardless of him working full time. He still makes sure that I feel very valued as a sahm.

Chubby1245 Tue 28-Jan-20 14:02:54

I could of written this myself. You are doing an amazing job. Don’t doubt yourself ❤️

Dozer Tue 28-Jan-20 14:04:23

Your DH is the problem here. Not doing his fair share.

Tonkerbea Tue 28-Jan-20 14:07:14

Your post has struck a chord with me, and I'll bet it will with so many others.

I don't have much advice, just a lot of empathy. Feeling like you've lost yourself to the treadmill of working and raising young children is horrible, but depressingly common.

Thymelord Tue 28-Jan-20 14:12:21

Ask yourself, would your husband be describing himself as a "terrible husband and father". Doubtful, yes?

I don't know why you would rather blame yourself, than get the lazy git who (in your words) has you feeling like an "exhausted servant" to pull his weight.

Irishgurl Tue 28-Jan-20 14:38:41

It gets better once they are in school. Hold on, you will get there.

MadeleineMaxwell Tue 28-Jan-20 14:40:20

Sounds to me like your DH needs to pull some family weight. Could you leave the kids with him of a Sunday and go and have some you time? What does he do already?

Frankly, I'd be a gibbering mess if my life solely revolved around kids and a part time job, so props to you for making it this far.

Molly2017 Tue 28-Jan-20 14:55:03

Gosh 12 months ago I could have written this (minus the job, I’m a SAHM). My kids were 3 and 6 months then.
I decided to carve some time out for me. It started with exercise, which felt like a ‘legitimate’ reason to spend time out of the house for.
Then I made a real effort to meet up with my friends I had before children. It was difficult, coordinating diaries etc but we did it. Then I took some time out at the weekends just for me. Even if I just got the bus into town, had a look around the shops and came back, while DH took the kids to the library.
It started with small steps, but now I feel fitter, I’m meeting my friends more often, have a chance to listen to their lives and talk about me and I even put a bit of make up on in the mornings.
I’d advise you to think about something you want to do for yourself. Even if it’s just laying in the bath in the evening or having an hour on a Saturday morning to swim.

I’ll be following the advice about improving the relationship with your DH as tbh that’s the one area I still need to work on.

Brefugee Tue 28-Jan-20 15:01:08

Gosh that sounds awful.

First of all why are you rushing around so much in the morning? Get up earlier (i know i know - but if you force yourself, the first 2 minutes are worst) have a tea/coffee and your breakfast in peace. Then do the other things you need to do.

Housework - you need to get your DH on board and make him do his share. Or get a cleaner. (if you do your share and get a cleaner for his show him how much of his wages it costs - do you have joint finances? easier to arrange if you do, easier for him to see how expensive it is if you don't)

etc etc.
Good luck!

Charles11 Tue 28-Jan-20 15:05:28

How many days do you work?
Would you be happier returning to full time work?

How do you think your dh treats you?
What does he do on the weekends?

You sound exhausted and it sounds like your dh doesn’t pull his weight.

You need time for the things you pointed out that you feel are lacking - time for yourself, time for a social life, time to do the things you enjoy so you’re not bored.

What would you like to do and how can you make time for it is something that you and your dh need to discuss.

Thestrangestthing Tue 28-Jan-20 15:13:39

You need to tell your dh, if he's leaving early in the morning, he needs to be doing things at night, and preping for the morning so you don't have as much to do. Up, breakfast, dressed and out the door.
My dp is really lazy. Recently I told him I had had enough, if he didn't start doing a share then he was out. I don't expect him to do 50/50 as he does work very long hours and has 2 jobs, but I also work full time, at least 50 hours a week, but because I wfh he expected me to do all child rearing and all house work. I felt just like you.
He has pitched in more recently, I'm hoping it lasts. If not I will follow through with a separation. I was not put on this planet to run around clearing up everyone elses shit while they lie around expecting to be waited on.

Lionnose Tue 28-Jan-20 15:22:18

It doesn't sounds like you are a terrible wife and a terrible mother to me.

Maybe you need a 'day off' every few weeks. My DH looks after our DS for a whole day on a Saturday every few weeks so I can go on a trip to see friends who live far away/ lie in bed watching crap TV/ do what ever I want, because I feel exhausted most of the time. I love this time and even though I tend to overfill it so I'm no less exhausted I feel much happier in myself.

Your post definitely struck a chord with me, please make some time for yourself xx

LannieDuck Tue 28-Jan-20 15:22:34

If you're fed-up with your job, could you look for a new one?

It sounds like you would benefit from a more challenging, FT job. Whats stopping you? Your little one can go to nursery, oldest can have wrap-around care in school (or a childminder). If it's more convenient for your family, maybe your DH could drop to PT and take his turn doing your role?

Chrissyho Tue 28-Jan-20 15:25:18

I would start by looking after myself more. Even think of joining a gym, a class you would like, a course you wanted to do for ages, something little to give back to yourself. Also, not sure what your financial situation is but start by making changes to your look, go and do your hair, do your nails and start feeling better about yourself. You would be surprised how many things can be fixed by looking after yourself more. I know it's easy to say and much harder to do, but you could try it for a bit. See how you feel and where it takes you. There is no point living a life with regrets.

Louise91417 Tue 28-Jan-20 15:25:48

Think you are describing how a vast majority of us mums feel..so dont feel alone or that your a bad person...you need to talk to dh..and first thing to organise is him babysitting while you organise a very well deserved night out to let your hair downwink

BritneyPeedOnALadybug Tue 28-Jan-20 15:26:53

Tell him. Tell him all of this. And if you can’t tell him, ask him to read this thread and the responses you have received so far.

Michaelbaubles Tue 28-Jan-20 15:28:33

I felt like this when I was married. I’d feel tears pricking my eyes when I changed the bedsheets (only person who did it), put washing on (only person who did it), trudged along pushing a pushchair doing the nursery run before work while DH drove his nice big car to work in peace...

Now I’m a single parent and I don’t feel like a drudge servant any more even though everything is down to me! I have DP who doesn’t live with me and when he’s around lessens my load considerably instead of adding to it - imagine, I get home and someone has put clean sheets on the bed and washed the old ones without me asking! Or makes me dinner and sends me for a nap while it’s cooking! But even when he’s not there and I do everything I still don’t feel as desperate and worn-down as I used to. Because it’s all for me or the DC and we all benefit rather than just doing stuff for someone who sees it as their right.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug Tue 28-Jan-20 15:29:00

Also, yes, you’re now a mother and a wife, but it doesn’t stop you being a human, feeling human-like emotions and thoughts. You shouldn’t feel terrible for that.

2020runner Tue 28-Jan-20 15:29:46

This resonates so much with me to OP. I work two days, I dont really care for it though, theres no progression but tbh i dont really want more from work, it's a weird situation. My kids are my life. Until very recently I wasnt exercising or having any time to myself, I've started exercising, not much as husband really doesn't want to facilitate me doing it but I am running 3 times a week, just 20 mins a time but its making a difference. I'm at a loss with my husband atm, he goes out to do his hobby, currently 2 days a week yet when I ask him to facilitate me having an afternoon to myself it's not possible as he has to work since hes missed work to do his hobby, he just doesn't listen to me, I feel so unimportant

I want to say talk to your husband but as I've said mine doesn't listen so maybe yours wont either, what time do the kids go to bed?

FVFrog Tue 28-Jan-20 15:30:15

Please heed this feeling and act on it now. I felt exactly as you do over 15 years ago, my divorce is now about to be finalised. The resentment and distance grew and we ended up on parallel tracks. It is good that you can articulate what you’re feeling and what is wrong. If you need to, or if your DH won’t acknowledge or take seriously, please get counselling. It will be worth it in the long run.

2020runner Tue 28-Jan-20 15:31:43

Oh and be kind to yourself op, you're not a terrible person

Chrissyho Tue 28-Jan-20 15:34:48

Tell him. Tell him all of this. And if you can’t tell him, ask him to read this thread and the responses you have received so far.

Good one! smile

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