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To be slightly hurt and embarrassed by not being asked to be a bridesmaid?

(63 Posts)
polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:28:25

Although not entirely surprised? The friendship has had a few off moments in recent years, but essentially I thought it was on an even keel.

She has said to me several times over the last year that she wanted me as a bridesmaid. I find it awkward now it’s just not mentioned and have suddenly been added to a Facebook group chat about the hen weekend by the ones I assume are the actual bridesmaids.

I’m not going to the hen, it’s really expensive and I just don’t feel comfortable now, it seems awkward.

I had a tiny laidback wedding and this friend was my (very casual, just wore a dress she had already type of thing) bridesmaid and I was very happy to have her, have good memories. All I can think of is maybe because my wedding was small and not fancy, she somehow doesn’t think I’d be capable of being a fancy bridesmaid at her very formal wedding? But why all the nonsense about always saying she wanted me to be hers, and then just complete radio silence?! I feel that’s odd.

AIBU to be a little hurt?

MondeoFan Mon 27-Jan-20 20:30:14

How long have you known each other for? Was she hinting at you being bridesmaid or did she def say she wants you as bridesmaid?

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:32:04

Definitely said it outright! That’s why I think it’s weird.

Unless it was meant as a joke?! Which I’ve honestly never thought of before now!

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:32:39

Known each other since school and now in our 30’s.

MyuMe Mon 27-Jan-20 20:33:45

I quite honestly am so glad I have never ever been a bridesmaid as an adult.

It was fun as a child but I can't think of anything worse.

Why would you want to.

mauvaisereputation Mon 27-Jan-20 20:35:04

If you haven't had a falling out I would assume that her plans have changed and she has decided she doesn't want as many bridesmaids, or perhaps can't afford to buy dresses etc for them. I think it's petty not to attend the hen of a good friend just because she hasn't asked you to be a bridesmaid. I understand being a bit offended, but honestly I would try to move past it.

Mumdiva99 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:35:45

Can you just ask her? Do you need any help organising the hen do it are your bridesmaids doing it? Then you'll find out. Sometimes family trump's friends and you find out they are sisters, s-i-l or cousins. Or you have just drifted a bit apart. My cousin and I had a bridesmaid pact - I was hers. she wasn't mine as I only had my daughter. (The pact was made about 18 years ago - her wedding was 15 years ago - things change and life moves on.)

mummmy2017 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:36:04

Tell her your so pleased she is getting married, but please you said the hen will be expensive can't you see you have dodge a bullet. You don't have to go now. Result.

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:36:17

Well, it’s not like I was going round hankering after being a bridesmaid but all the times it was mentioned I felt honoured to be asked? So now I feel a bit foolish.

MissConductUS Mon 27-Jan-20 20:36:58

The logistics of organizing a medium sized wedding and the politics of who gets asked to do what can be really daunting. I'd mention it to her if it's really bothering you and give her a chance to explain.

I'd likely just let it go. You'd have to go on the very expensive hen if you were a BM and there would be lots of other bother and expense.

Colabottles64 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:37:03

Yanbu to feel a bit hurt if she had said you’d be a bridesmaid and now has chosen bridesmaids and not even said anything to you. It’s a shitty way to treat someone in my opinion. If she only wanted a certain number and had changed her mind, she should have said that to you and then all awkwardness could quickly have been done away with.

MyuMe Mon 27-Jan-20 20:37:17

The hen is really expensive though

For that reason alone I think the OP is within her rights to skip it uncriticised

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:38:34

It’s in a very expensive city abroad for a long weekend and it may be petty, but no, I’m not going to spend £1500 on a weekend away now where I feel awkward.

Chocmallows Mon 27-Jan-20 20:38:50

Maybe she promised ten women and five are now dropped when she realised the cost of all the dresses?

mummmy2017 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:42:22

£1500, bet that is the short edge of the wedge.
You forgot the hotel for the wedding, the new clothing, the time off work..

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:42:43

Ok I’ve just totted up slightly more accurately and think I could make it work for about £1300 but that’s still a big chunk of money to me.

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:44:02

Yes I’m not including the money for attending the wedding, that’s separate, it’s the hen itself that would cost £1300.

MyuMe Mon 27-Jan-20 20:45:21

That's obscene

A hen party was supposed to be your last taste of freedom I now dont see the point seeing as most couples have already lived together for ages anyway.

£1300 for a weekend. My 2 week holiday abroad wasn't much more than that.

EL8888 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:46:14

YANBU that is rude, thoughtless and not the actions of a good friend. She should have spoken to you if she had changed her mind. What are the few off moments you mentioned?

£1,500 for a hen weekend is madness as an aside

EineReiseDurchDieZeit Mon 27-Jan-20 20:46:58

I know hie you feel

A lot of times on MN people tell you not to "expect" but when a best friend of mine married I did genuinely think it was a given.

Instead she had two women from her school years alongside 3 family members. I was very hurt.

Ironically myself and another close friend of hers who found ourselves in the pews that day are closest to her now, and she never sees those women.
I sense unspoken regret. I rose above, and advise you to do the same. Unfortunately it is a circumstance that though it is incredibly hurtful, any comeback or refusal to join in will be called immature and petty.

I have been a bridesmaid twice, lovely day for an absolute close friend, endlessly upsetting ball ache for my difficult sister, it isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

EL8888 Mon 27-Jan-20 20:47:16

I have seen your update -£1,300 is also ridiculous

mauvaisereputation Mon 27-Jan-20 20:47:27

Fair enough, £1,300 is crazy.

Onceuponatimethen Mon 27-Jan-20 20:48:18

Think you have dodged a bullet op

No one reasonably can expect friends to spend that much on a hen!

polkadotsundress Mon 27-Jan-20 20:48:33

@MissConductUS it’s her wedding and totally up to her, she doesn’t owe me an explanation, so I’m not going to ask her anything. If I was wanted as a bridesmaid she would have asked. But I’m not investing in the friendship to the tune of £1300 for a hen party I don’t want to go on, now that I realise I’m not as close as I thought.

bananaskinsnomnom Mon 27-Jan-20 20:49:14

Wedding party politics are complex and painful. I’ve been on the receiving end of painful and it’s no fun.
Of my group of 8 school friends (including me) And of which we all still see each other all the time, 5 are married. Half of us the friendships go back to preschool and the other half joined us so to speak at secondary. 5 out of 8 are married. I am the only one of the group who has been no ones bridesmaid and it did hurt. The one who I genuinely thought would choose me (have gone through so much together, known each other since we were 2, grew up at each other’s houses and just know everything about each other) didn’t, and told me via WhatsApp, admitting she didn’t have the courage to tell me face to face - however did say she still wanted to include me and set up multiple wedding type things for us to do and cancelled every single one. That was bloody painful I must say.

But you really do just have to let it go sadly. There will be awkward moments for sure. But she’s made her choice. My friends choices have certainly helped make mine

You have my sympathy though OP, yes it’s work being a bridesmaid but it’s still an honour I say - I loved being bridesmaid for other friends and relatives. It stings now, but it will go!

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