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To be shocked by people's partners?

(248 Posts)
ReallyLilyReally Mon 27-Jan-20 01:28:34

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

PixieDustt Mon 27-Jan-20 01:31:18

Maybe they weren't like that before children?
Some people change after children. YABU.

dellacucina Mon 27-Jan-20 01:32:42

biscuit

PixieDustt Mon 27-Jan-20 01:33:28

AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

And this. Really...
People don't go out their way to give their child a useless dad!
The people I know who have brought their kids up on their own have done amazing jobs without the father and no I don't think it's bad parenting fgs.

We3kingsoforientareandabump Mon 27-Jan-20 01:34:26

But surely you don't know they're a useless dad until they are a dad?

ReallyLilyReally Mon 27-Jan-20 01:37:52

I mean, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely? If he never helped you out before, why think he'd help you out once you had a kid?

PixieDustt Mon 27-Jan-20 01:39:26

People change very quickly.
Clearly you have lived in a nice little bubble grin

Icantreachthepretzels Mon 27-Jan-20 01:39:52

But surely you don't know they're a useless dad until they are a dad?

Well quite. Parenthood is one of those things that you can't really know about/ know how you'll do until it happens and there's no going back once it's done.

But new mother bashing is always a fun sport. Struggling-to-cope new mother bashing is even better hmm

Mintjulia Mon 27-Jan-20 01:40:14

You are very naive. People do change when a baby arrives.

newlifenewme2020 Mon 27-Jan-20 01:43:44

Most abuse starts during pregnancy or when a child arrives. It’s was the same with my DH unfortunately. He was fab until our son was born. It was like he turned into a new bloke overnight.
My parents both thought he would make the perfect father and like me any believe what happened.

Millykitty Mon 27-Jan-20 01:45:10

My ex is “useless” , he also has mental health issues and struggles with day to day life let alone 3 kids.
Did I think my life would end up like this? No. But it is what it is and I work very hard and I think I do a good job.

To think that people like you are being judgemental because I should have made a better choice. As much as you like to think your impeccable skills at choosing a man resulted in the outcome you had, luck plays a part too.

There but for the grace of god go I...

newlifenewme2020 Mon 27-Jan-20 01:45:25

Sorry meant to put can’t believe what happened.
He said he could never looked at me the same way again after watching me give birth.
Also the attention was being given to someone else and not him. I think he also didn’t like the way my body changed
Before all this he was the perfect bloke

Icantreachthepretzels Mon 27-Jan-20 01:46:45

If he never helped you out before, why think he'd help you out once you had a kid?

There's a big difference between cooks a couple of times a week, does laundry and the washing up pre -children and getting up to do night feed after night feed. There is a big difference in how messy and chaotic the house will be after the child is born. Plus there was no expectation of him to spend time watching a child before the baby, any time not working/ doing chores was his own - too many men don't realise or accept that this is no longer true afterwards. What may have seem like a man pitching in pre baby is suddenly woefully inadequate post baby. You can't know if he'll up his game to meet these new requirements until the baby comes - because of course he will have said all the right things before hand.

I mean, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely?

You do know most domestic abuse/ violence starts during pregnancy or the first year after the baby is born? Yes change is very quick once a new baby is involved.

TwoZeroTwoZero Mon 27-Jan-20 01:48:27

1. Not all pregnancies are planned
2. Not all women are in a position to say that no, they don't actually want the baby
3. Not all abuse is tangible or noticeable until the woman is actually pregnant or has a newborn and is vulnerable and completely reliant upon the man
4. We are surrounded by images and other media portrayals of the ideal, happy family and going against that societal norm can be incredibly difficult
5. Not all women grew up in ideal, happy families and instead seek, probably without ever realising it, to recreate the type of relationship they saw modelled to them as children

How about supporting the women you read or hear about who are trapped in abusive relationships and advising them on their options instead of blaming them and telling them that they brought it all on themselves and must therefore be stupid?

NeckPainChairSearch Mon 27-Jan-20 01:52:21

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support

You can't think of ANY reasons why that might be? Not even by thinking about it really, really hard? You can't actually imagine any scenario AT ALL where a woman might find herself in this position?

Either you ARE stupid - I would never call another poster this, I'm referring to your own words and invitation to use them - or you are very young and in blissful ignorance about...well...life really, or this thread is a wind-up.

Eckhart Mon 27-Jan-20 01:52:21

OP, you're stupid.

Sorry, but you did request this.

jjjnnnnnrrssss Mon 27-Jan-20 01:54:17

Unfortunately it seems more common than we'd want that a decent partner becomes a crappy parent.

EL8888 Mon 27-Jan-20 01:56:58

I don't think you are unreasonable. It baffles me as well to be honest. Once l can kind of understand but then have a 2nd child which is more work and then there is surprise that he won't step up again. When he never did before? I'm more judging the men to be honest. Who wants to be a shit Dad or have a shit Dad?!

EL8888 Mon 27-Jan-20 02:10:35

Maybe people don't realise what it all involves or just don't care? When my partner and l discussed having children, l made clear the level of support required and my other expectations. So l wouldn't be doing all the night feeds, paying for all of nursery etc

Shev1996 Mon 27-Jan-20 02:15:09

These woman you are talking about are already suffering, and yet you judge them further by saying “ Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support”

Do you really think they planned their lives to be this way? Way to go belittling the already hurt and vulnerable out there OP

Skippingabeat Mon 27-Jan-20 02:23:45

I chose to marry my ex because I loved him but also because I saw how he behaved at home and with his parents. Ironing his own clothes while his mom watched tv, helping out his sister and taking care of his dad with dementia.

When we got married he continued to do his share. Once I got our first daughter, he never changed a diaper. And it went downhill from there but very slowly. For a 16y marriage.

In the last 4 years that we have separated, he has acted like a textbook sociopath. After final divorce trial, when he was ordered to pay the financial settlement and back child support (he never paid any), he left the country and it's been more than 2 months since he last saw the kids.

So UABU. People change. Beyond being recognizable sometimes. And it seems it's most likely to happen when you've had kids with them and they know you're stuck.

Shev1996 Mon 27-Jan-20 02:28:45

Sorry you’ve been through this @Skippingabeat, hope you and the kids are well now despite him x

DeTwamps Mon 27-Jan-20 02:29:33

I hope it keeps fine for you.

AgentPrentiss Mon 27-Jan-20 02:33:06

Yeah, you’re stupid.

Willyoujustbequiet Mon 27-Jan-20 02:37:59

So you really can't think why? Do you struggle with such simple things in the rest of your life? It must be hard for you to keep up with the rest of us

Is it really so difficult for you to grasp that domestic abuse is often triggered by pregnancy and that men can change?

I must borrow your crystal ball to put the lottery numbers on with.....silly me after nearly 2 decades of marriage I should have predicted the future...hmm

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