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To think MIL and her DP should sit with us?

(104 Posts)
letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 13:37:45

Apologies this is long but I don't want to drip feed... I Would love to know if you think IABU or not.

We are off to Disney world in a few months, family of 4 (2a, 2c 6 and 12) we wanted to sit together so we've booked seats on the plane.

We also wanted to take my MIL with us as she's lovely, does everything for everyone, never gets a break and is always there for us, she's very close to the DC. She's not in a position to pay for herself and so we asked if they (her and her DP) would like to come with us and obviously we would pay for them they said yes... all they have to do is pay for their spending money.

None of us are particularly close to her DP (my DP's Step dad) as even though they've been together for 25 years, he's never shown an interest in spending time with us or our DC. We do invite them both to dc party's but mil always comes alone and says he's on call for work.

we obviously knew she wouldn't want to go without him so of course we offered to pay for both.

When I told MIL they could book seats on the plane now to secure their seats with us or wait til 24h before to try and get the seats she wants for free, she said 'no no no, DP is on it now as he's desperate for a window seat' and then she came back and said he wants the row of 2 seats at the other end of the plane to where we have booked so she has room to get out without disturbing anyone next to her when she walks up to see us'

I pointed out the window seat behind ours and suggested I can then move one of our seats so we're sitting in 2 rows of 3' (rather than the row of 3 and one aisle seat I've already booked) and then she wouldn't have to worry about getting up.... and I added 'unless DP doesn't want to sit with us?' and she said 'no don't worry, don't change what you've booked it's just he's a big kid and wants a window seat....'

I asked what's wrong with the window seat behind ours and she said 'don't worry he's going to try and get the seats he wants 24h before as that's more exciting... which is of course not what she said above!

So basically he doesn't want to sit with us. That's fine but I know MIL wouldn't have an issue sitting with us and I think she thought she would be and was excited about it as she herself was saying she can't wait to see the kids first take off!

Usually I back down and people please but her DP is irritating me for a few reasons... for example, MIL struggles a lot with her mobility and as she doesn't like to ask for things she's said to her DP that she'll be fine waking around Disney and there's no need to pay for her to hire a wheelchair while we're there... he just says ok. So I know we're going to have to hire it because MIL cant walk even the shortest distances without being in pain.

he's also declaring which days he's decided they're doing something different, (which is fine as we expect them to do their own thing too), but he's not asking her thoughts or asking what she wants... he just says 'we're doing this... and we're not doing that.'

Also MIL has a lot of pressure atm looking after her elderly parents, cooking their dinner and she also looks after her DPs elderly parents and is every body in her DPs family rock yet even though she's running herself ragged, he's just laying on the sofa all day watching love island and eating... she then she has to get in and do his dinner too... it makes me angry. Even though my DP says she's a big girl and can make her own decisions and choices, I can't help but feel someone should be saying enough is enough... anyway, I've digressed!

MIL and I are really close and can talk for hours, and she loves being with the kids, both kids are well behaved and it's not like a flight to Orlando is going to be peaceful anyway so I don't see what he gains by moving away from us.

And although this might not seem related I think it's important to say that even though we've paid we've said from the start that it's their holiday too and we really don't expect to do everything together. We've also all sat down and everybody had an opportunity to say what they wanted to do so FIL has plenty of things in the line up that he wanted to do but no one else did that we've all booked into.

Aibu?

NoMorePoliticsPlease Sun 26-Jan-20 13:41:44

A lot of issues going on here. The seats arent important. Be her friend and support, you arent going to change him

letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 13:43:41

I will also add that MIL keeps saying 'DP is so excited, he feels so bad he's missed out, especially when he saw how excited the kids were to see him at Xmas, he's realised! He keeps saying he can't wait to spend time with you all and get to know you all properly'... and the next breath, he's trying to sit as far away from us as possible.

I don't understand

wherethewildthingis Sun 26-Jan-20 13:45:19

This is clearly (and rightly) a huge holiday for you, a once in a lifetime trip, and very expensive I would imagine! I would be seriously considering whether you go with this man at all. I know it would be awkward and difficult to cut him out now, but you must be aware that he will ruin it.
He thinks nothing of you or your children and is unkind to MIL. He is going to spoil this for your children.
Seriously I would address this now and suggest MIL comes on her own

Sexnotgender Sun 26-Jan-20 13:45:37

She sounds like she’s being controlled. Is he a bully?

livefornaps Sun 26-Jan-20 13:47:25

He doesn't want to sit with your noisy brood. Voilà. Case closed.

stellabelle Sun 26-Jan-20 13:47:42

They've been together for 25 years ? Well they are not going to change now so just ignore him / their relationship. Regarding the flight, it's just a plane trip, nothing to get upset about. Just enjoy your holiday and ignore these things.

CostcoFan Sun 26-Jan-20 13:47:48

Could it be that she wants/needs an aisle seat and if he wants a window the only way to sit in a row of three is if you or a dc sit between them? Why not book them the pair and then you /dh/dc do the row in front? Once you have paid I think you can move them normally without extra payment.

LIZS Sun 26-Jan-20 13:48:29

Maybe they would just prefer not to be with your dc on a long flight. Is either a nervous flyer ?

HollowTalk Sun 26-Jan-20 13:48:46

He's excited at getting to know you properly when he's been with your MIL for 25 years?

Drum2018 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:50:36

YWBU to invite them in the first place given you know his form and the fact he is hardly going to change his ways just because he's getting a free holiday. Guaranteed he'll piss you off during the entire holiday. You should have gone on your holiday with Dh and the kids and maybe had a weekend/few days break in UK with mil instead.

letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 13:51:00

He's more ultra lazy! And very selfish from what I can tell.

MIL is the opposite and would give her last bean to anybody even if it meant she went hungry! Seriously she's an angel!

But the thing is she won't hear of it if anyone says anything against him. My DP said he's had many many conversations about it with her but she won't have it.

I said to DP yesterday that telling her won't help, it must be a self-worth issue because literally nobody puts her first and she's fine with this!

She's difficult to help because even when I offer to help her she always says no... she just handles everything by herself.

I've mentally prepared myself to ignore the things he does as much as I can on holiday, but I said to my DP that I'll have to draw the line if he's making inappropriate comments about women (which he often does) in front of the DC

Brazi103 Sun 26-Jan-20 13:51:23

Ok so you know mil isnt going to go without him and you know after 25years she isnt going to admit or even leave him if he is horrible to her.
What you can do is just ensure she has a really lovely holiday. She sounds like a very generous person and does alot for others, so spoil her on this trip and ignore her dp. No one is going to change the situation so rather make the best of it.

DPotter Sun 26-Jan-20 13:51:27

let him book the seats he wants then during the flight, you and your DH could take turns at sitting with him, whilst your MIL sits with the kids and you / DP.
Have you talked to your MIL about getting outside help for both sets of parents? - when people have fallen into a caring role and it's built up gradually over time, it can be very difficult for the carer to disengage. Talking through with her might help her to see she's in over her head and needs to delegate some 'responsibilities'.
Don't even try and understand your MIL's partner - you'll soon see if he wants to be involved - although from the sound of things I wouldn't hold my breath - another thing to reflect back to your MIL.

onanothertrain Sun 26-Jan-20 13:51:32

Sounds like your MIL is happy to go along with it all. If you were offering to take them on your terms you should have made it clear in the beginning to allow them to decide whether they wanted to accept or not.

DPotter Sun 26-Jan-20 13:53:09

Sorry - crossed with your latest post.
Sometimes you have to accept some people just can't be helped. Another tack would be to challenge the partner directly.

letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 13:53:18

@CostcoFan I said to her to boo where she wants and then I'll move ours to be close to them... but she said not to move.

It's that he doesn't want to sit with us however, we aren't noisy and he's going to be hard pressed to find a kid free zone on a flight to Orlando

frickinlaserbeams Sun 26-Jan-20 13:53:23

This sounds difficult but I think your DP is right. The plane seats issue doesn't strike me as important. Him not asking her opinion on anything or taking what she wants into consideration would bother me but as your DP says, she's an adult and she can manage her own relationships. Stay friendly with her, ask her if she's ok, be there to listen etc. Maybe even ask pointedly when having discussions, "so we know what SFIL wants to do, but MIL what do YOU want to do?" But ultimately I think you've got to let her choose where her red line is.

Absolutely step in if he starts spoiling things for your DCs though, obviously.

livefornaps Sun 26-Jan-20 13:54:08

If you've invited them, they're in.

No point whining now.

Just carry on with your family holiday and if they dip in and out, great.

Just leave them alone to their stuff.

livefornaps Sun 26-Jan-20 13:55:58

I honestly think you're just trying to micro manage this and then get upset - when in fact you know full well this guy is gonna piss you off. Just leave it be. It was a bit dumb paying for this whole caboodle in the first place.

letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 13:58:26

It's not on our terms at all, I just know MIL wanted to sit with us and seems she doesn't get a choice.

He's not physically abusive as far as I know just very Selfish

And yes, they've been together for 25 years and he just doesn't bother. Spends his time down the pub or on the sofa or goes on weeks away with his friends.

This is actually what annoyed me about the mobility scooter hire. It's fine if they genuinely can't afford it but a couple of weeks before we go he's book a week away for himself with his friends. 🤷‍♀️ I would have thought his DW Comfort was more important

letsgogogo Sun 26-Jan-20 14:01:15

Maybe @livefornaps DP really wanted to take his DM and said that FIL is a side product of that... too late to get out of it now. Will be interesting to see how this plays out.

I don't want to micro manage, I'm just aware she and the kids wanted to sit together.. not a big drama in itself of course.

livefornaps Sun 26-Jan-20 14:02:16

You need to step away! You're getting yourself in a right tizz and you're going to be looking at them the entire holdiay thinking "oh look, typical, he's so selfish" and weirdly enough you're going to enjoy feeling so aggravated as you want to be the "saviour" role.

For the sake of your children, just drop it. I don't know what it's going to take, maybe get yourself a big mickey mouse beaker of gin and stay buzzed the entire time, but you need to stop being so knickers-in-a-twist over this.

onanothertrain Sun 26-Jan-20 14:03:14

Your MIL has said she will be fine walking about and he has not to book a wheelchair/ scooter. Do you want him to go against her wishes to keep you happy?

HollowTalk Sun 26-Jan-20 14:03:14

It's a shame you bought his ticket, really. I doubt he would've paid for it himself and you could have used the excuse of his other holiday to treat your MIL.

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