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Am I being ungrateful?

(24 Posts)
Rose789 Sun 26-Jan-20 00:37:13

I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer and I’m in hospital currently after surgery. Obviously told my line manager as soon as I could to let them know I would be off work.
Spoke to him yesterday to let him know what’s going on and during the chat he asked which ward I was on.
He turned up tonight with a huge bouquet of flowers and get well cards. I was taken aback because I’m in a hospital gown with tubes coming in and out of me and look like absolute shit we’re not friends outside of work or anything and I was embarrassed to be seen like this I guess.
He didn’t stay long just said everyone was thinking of me and looked embarrassed and awkward to be there.
Reading through the cards it is clear that they have told my entire department why I’m off (100 odd people) as there are messages from people I’ve barely ever spoken to wishing me lots of love and “hope you kick the big C’s butt”
It’s lovely that so many people have sent well wishes and the flowers are gorgeous (paid for by staff members chipping in not the company) but... I hate that everyone knows now, I hate my manager walked in when I’m attached to a bloody catheter.
I haven’t really told anyone apart from close family and friends as it was all very sudden and I was whisked in for surgery within a week. So I haven’t got my head around it yet which isn’t helping.
In the past we have been told at work when there have been collections for people but I always thought that was with their permission.
AIBU to be pissed off or is it just what happens when you’re ill?

DizzyCow63 Sun 26-Jan-20 00:40:29

YANBU at all! I get it appears to have been coming from a place of kindness but it's hugely inappropriate and unprofessional of your boss to share your diagnosis to say the very least. Would you feel comfortable/up to dropping HR an email to mention it?

Wishing you a very speedy recovery flowers

Brokenlightfitting Sun 26-Jan-20 00:41:45

Well intended but unfortunate.

2020BetterBeBetter Sun 26-Jan-20 00:42:08

Yanbu and that’s a big breach!

Pipandmum Sun 26-Jan-20 00:42:37

It may have been better for him to send flowers but it was with the best intentions he came in person.
As for everyone knowing - you can't keep that sort of thing a secret in an office in my experience.

Pixxie7 Sun 26-Jan-20 01:16:50

I think that people are very emotive when it comes to cancer, and I think you are over thinking this. Take it in the way it was meant people obviously care.💐

Sleeveen Sun 26-Jan-20 01:28:57

@Pixxie, the OP is dealing with serious illness, she doesn’t need to also make allowances for other people’s inability to respect private information. She’s not ‘overthinking’, she’s understandably pissed off to have had someone (albeit well-meaning) intrude after she's just had surgery, and that 100 people have had her diagnosis shared with them without her permission.

Lifeasweknow Sun 26-Jan-20 01:33:50

Eeessh. So difficult because you know its come from a place of care, but it's so wrong. Yanbu feeling annoyed. You've not even had time to get your own head around it.

I hope your treatment goes well and you start feeling better soon.

Dita73 Sun 26-Jan-20 01:45:29

YANBU You’ve not really had time to get used to the news yourself that you’re unwell,let alone for everyone else to know about it. I would imagine that at the moment you don’t know your arse from your elbow (forgive my crude phasing). You’ve been diagnosed with a scary illness,had surgery then someone you don’t know properly turns up bearing gifts! It’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. I have no doubt it was an act of kindness but a bit too soon and overwhelming at this stage. I wish you a speedy recovery and really hope you’re ok flowers

notangelinajolie Sun 26-Jan-20 02:19:30

YANBU but I think your manager came to visit with the kindest of intentions. I am a private person and I do understand you being uncomfortable at everyone knowing but I'm sure they all wish you well and wouldn't want to upset you. I also wish you well and a speedy recovery flowers

mynamesmrdiggety Sun 26-Jan-20 02:46:45

Surely the reason you're off is confidential unless you choose to share it.

Ponoka7 Sun 26-Jan-20 02:53:08

I'm surprised that any hospital still allows flowers, especially post op.

Are you in the UK? If so, confidentiality has, been broken. Unless you have a friend at work who spread it?

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 26-Jan-20 03:17:46

One of those knee jerk "Do first, think later" type of mistakes.

I would feel as you do, but take comfort from the fact that it was done from a good place, if misguided in its delivery.

Hope your treatment goes well xx

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 26-Jan-20 03:21:47

And as for "Hope you kick the Big C's butt" comment, I'm so embarrassed on behalf of the writer..... I can imagine I would write that when put under pressure and then realise what a totally crass thing to say it was. I would spend weeks being monumentally embarrassed saying to myself, in full Hagrid mode "I shouldn't 'a said that, I really should not have said that!" grin

Topseyt Sun 26-Jan-20 03:52:01

He was wrong to have shared the information with anyone who didn't absolutely need to know without your permission.

When you are feeling stronger I might be tempted to tell him that while you really do appreciate everyone's good wishes and the flowers, at that stage you really just weren't ready for them all to know and in future you would appreciate your information not being shared beyond those who actually need it. Tell him to ask them to be discreet when you go back to work as you really don't want to be facing lots of questions about it, even if it is well intentioned.

Then probably leave it at that. He probably won't make this mistake again.

I wish you well too. I hope your recovery now and any further treatment go as smoothly as possible.

Nomorepies Sun 26-Jan-20 03:57:47

YANBU! He shouldn't have told anyone without checking with you first and he definitely shouldn't have turned up on your ward!! That is beyond ridiculous and invasive. Not surprised you are annoyed. Get well soon card and flowers are hardly appropriate for early stages op cancer!! What a fucking bellend.

Don't give him any more updates and if you do make it with the caveat that it's not for wider dissemination. Wishing you all the best OP

BlackCatSleeping Sun 26-Jan-20 04:05:26

Are you in the UK?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Try not to think about it now but when you return to work, have a talk to HR about what happened. It doesn’t matter if his intentions were good. Your privacy was broken.

Wishing you all the best flowers

Frikonastick Sun 26-Jan-20 04:41:05

You are not ungrateful at all. You have every right to be angry. And a million other things. My DH has cancer and if that had happened to him at work it would have absolutely wrecked him. We are 3 years into his diagnosis and he has only recently felt able to talk about it.

This is a gross breach of trust and confidentiality. I’m so sorry it’s happened to you and you do not owe anyone good grace in this.

Wishing you strength xxx

Shev1996 Sun 26-Jan-20 04:51:31

Op, you are going through a lot and have every right to be angry at the world. However your colleagues just wanted to show you their support and your boss went out of his way to deliver you the flowers and card. This would have been in his personal time, he had nothing to gain from this. Sometimes it’s better to just accept people love and care for you than try to associate something negative to it. I hope you get well soon x

nearlynermal Sun 26-Jan-20 05:51:23

Seriously: fuck good intentions. That's ghastly. YANBU in the slightest, OP.

thickwoollytights Sun 26-Jan-20 06:27:47

Your Line Manager doesn't understand GDPR

My understanding is that he has broken the law by telling your colleagues that you are ill

Bringing the flowers and card to the hospital himself is just OTT and quite odd

*I'd communicate through HR in future*

If I were you I'd let this mistake go, but you don't have to. You could report it. It's a serious breach, imo

KatherineJaneway Sun 26-Jan-20 06:41:47

Well intended but unfortunate.

Not unfortunate, incredibly unthoughtful and hurtful.

I had a similar manager. I had to leave my job for a life altering reason and asked the two senior managers not to tell anyone when I was going. I wanted to leave on the Friday and colleagues would find out I was gone on the following Monday. One of the managers took it upon themselves to tell everyone in the office and I was forced to tell everyone why I was leaving and had to have a leaving do etc. Made a difficult time in my life 10 times harder.

Scaredmumxx Sun 26-Jan-20 06:54:24

He should of left them at the desk or asked you first! Certainly shouldn't of told people without asking you first!

Wishing you a speedy recovery. X

Rose789 Sun 26-Jan-20 11:45:17

Thank you all.
I’m going to email him tomorrow and thank him again for coming and for the flowers and cards but I’m going to say I feel uncomfortable with everyone knowing why I’m off.
Like people have said it was meant in the best possible way, and it is lovely that people care. Well intentioned but badly executed.

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