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WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

(156 Posts)
Bambam60 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:36:39

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son sad

Quartz2208 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:42:15

So he basically wants to do things he did pre kids rather than do things with his son?

Yep you need to talk to him, you are a family of 3 now and there are many places you can go with a 2.5 year old that will be exciting and fun. I am not one who believes that children stop travel and mine have been to many places. But they come with me

Caselgarcia Fri 24-Jan-20 19:46:19

So he's happy not to see his soon for a fortnight? I can't imagine my DP suggesting a holiday without my son, we are a family so go on family holidays.
Seems bizarre to me.

TopOftheNaughtyList Fri 24-Jan-20 19:46:36

Is this destination too exotic that you can't take your DS on holiday with you OP? Your DH sounds like a complete twat the way he's behaving.

countrygirl99 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:48:06

Tell him we did an RV road trip in the US with a 5yo and went camping in Zimbabwe with a 6yo so if he can't find something to do with your child he is lacking imagination.

Bambam60 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:50:44

Thank you for the replies. Yeah he definitely wouldn't be able to come on this trip, it just isn't child friendly. But I've suggested loads of other places to go that would be pretty unique, like Borneo to see the Orangutans.

I said maybe we can do this other holiday later down the line when DS is older, or when he might actually enjoy staying at the grandparents and see it as his own little holiday. None of this is getting through and he just maintains that he wants to do what he wants to do, therefore he'll do it!

JagerPlease Fri 24-Jan-20 19:50:53

Where does he want to go that you can't take your son? Unless you'll be off doing extreme activities I can't think of many places that he couldn't go

DidILeaveTheGasOn Fri 24-Jan-20 19:51:36

I think you need to talk more about your expectations. You don't need to go to ground and never do anything you used to do ever again. Your life isn't over. Your dh's life isn't over. Also, it's okay (contentious, perhaps) that one of you is completely focused on every second being with your child and one of you is like, I want to go do this cool thing with my wife!

Please don't vilify him. Your life isn't over, you can do anything you want to do. The thing is, I wonder if deep down, you want to do these things. Perhaps your sense of self has shifted. Your ideals have changed. I do not think having a toddler prevents holidays.

If I were in your dh's shoes, I would also be concerned about expanding the family further, at least without talking clearly about your expectations.

Elpatso80 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:51:40

Where is this destination and why does he not want to take his son? If he loves seeing the world so much, surely he should want to share this passion with his child? I am not a massive traveller, but by 2.5 my first first child had visited several European countries, plus a long trip to the far east. I loved being able to show them these amazing places and different cultures. Although they can't remember the trips from that age, they love looking back at the photos of our travels.

ZenNudist Fri 24-Jan-20 19:52:44

He sounds nasty. Was the 2nd child crack a serious comment or heat of the moment?

DidILeaveTheGasOn Fri 24-Jan-20 19:53:42

Ah I think I've not fully grasped the situation, my apologies. Had my dh stood over me asking me where stuff is and it clearly interfered with my comprehension. Grrrr. Just disregard my previous comment.

fairlyplump Fri 24-Jan-20 19:54:50

Sounds incredibly selfish to me, your a family now not a couple, as a grandmother I most certainly wouldn't look after my grandchild whilst their parents went on holiday for 2 weeks, because in my eyes they should be all going together.

M0reGinPlease Fri 24-Jan-20 19:55:28

he just maintains that he wants to do what he wants to do, therefore he'll do it!

He's a parent. I'm not saying your life stops, but it changes. He's being a massive dick OP, I'm sorry.

NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet Fri 24-Jan-20 19:57:24

I think if my DH acted like this and then went off on the holiday alone I know one thing, I wouldn't be there when he returned.
He's acting like a nasty spiteful selfish child. And even just saying what he said would make me think about him differently.

yogo Fri 24-Jan-20 19:57:25

I left mine for exotic holidays when they were toddlers. My mum adored having them, they were spoilt rotten and we had a great time. Mum swears that's why they are all so close nowadays.

Quartz2208 Fri 24-Jan-20 19:57:48

I had missed the 2nd child comment (although I think you already have one with his behaviour)

Where on earth does he want to go if you are suggesting borneo

Catapillarsruletheworld Fri 24-Jan-20 20:01:05

He’s being incredibly selfish. I wouldn’t have gone away for two weeks and left my small child. It just doesn’t seem right to me and I know I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself without them there.

Can you afford to go away again this year? If you can I’d just tell him to go and hope that he is miserable and lonely while he’s there.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws Fri 24-Jan-20 20:04:02

I don't know about this particular holiday - I know I would not take kindly to that crack about - no holiday - no second child. What kind of a controlling cunt comes up with something like that FFS?

NotStayingIn Fri 24-Jan-20 20:06:29

Tell him to go on his holiday if it’s really more important to him then his family.

The danger in preventing him from going is that he will start to see you as the one holding him back, making his life boring, killing his dreams. Bla bla bla. He will withdraw from family life, could justify having an affair, etc. He doesn’t actually want a real relationship with responsibilities and his comment about not having a second child underlines that.

But if he does go I would really question whether in the long run this relationship will work.

Branleuse Fri 24-Jan-20 20:07:43

I dont see the problem with leaving your 2 year old with his grandparents if theyll have him and he has a good relationship with them.
Is he not interested in compromising and are you saying you will never leave your ds and go on couples holidays anymore?

Bambam60 Fri 24-Jan-20 20:08:51

@DidILeaveTheGasOn I didn't expand in the original message, bit we're actually going away together, on our own, this year. Again, it's a trip we can't take DS on as it's chimp trekking. Then he's going away at the end of the year on his own to see the polar bears. Another trip he was desperate to do and we obv couldn't take DS so I said if he wants to go on his own he can but going forward we need to start doing family friendly holidays. He was in complete agreement...until we get to now. What I'm upset about is not really him suggesting the holiday or wanting to go, it's the fact that actually I didn't say no I just said "can't we think of other places we can go where we can take DS".

Fairenuff Fri 24-Jan-20 20:11:00

Let him go.

Tell him you're not prepared to go without ds so you are not going. What he does is up to him. Don't get into any more discussions about it.

Then get on with your life with your ds whether he joins in or not.

This will allow you to decide what your future with him will look like and whether you want that.

Bambam60 Fri 24-Jan-20 20:12:20

So basically I'm never actually against leaving my DS with his grandparents, I just really want to see how I feel after the holiday this year and also how my parents cope with it. I didn't think that was too unreasonable. It's just the blatant disregard for my feelings that's got me.

KatyCarrCan Fri 24-Jan-20 20:13:14

I'd be telling him not to bother coming back tbh. He's acting as though your DC is an inconvenience and he's negotiating a holiday over having another child. I wouldn't want to go anywhere with him ... or go anywhere near him tbh.

Annasgirl Fri 24-Jan-20 20:14:36

Wow so he wants to take 3 holidays without your DS this year and not 1??? Did you have this chat pre DC? I would not agree to this but then I was aligned with my DH on this pre DC. Either you agree to take DC around the world with you or you need to discuss a split because he cannot opt out of parenting his child.

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