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To not want to have to organise a friend’s hen party with a newborn

(67 Posts)
Toastytoes1 Fri 24-Jan-20 05:45:13

My friend and I are both pregnant and due the same time in the next few months. She’s been engaged over a year but has now decided quite suddenly to book her wedding for September when previously she’d been talking about the end of next year. So all being well both our babies will be 6 months old at the time of the wedding.
I’m her only bridesmaid and its always been the plan that I would organise her hen party but I’m now thinking how on Earth is that going to work with such a young baby? I’ve just organised my sister’s which has been stressful enough trying to manage it whilst pregnant with the support of the other bridesmaid but to have to organise this one on my own with a newborn. Also, I recently turned down a September invite for a hen party because I just couldn’t commit to it financially and whether emotionally I’d be ready to be away from the baby by then but this hen of course would end up being even earlier than September so likely with a 4/5 month old at most. I’m hoping to exclusively breast feed but can’t exactly take a baby on the hen party but I don’t feel its fair on my friend to not organise her a good hen because she did such a good job planning mine and I’ve been really looking forward to planning hers but suddenly with the wedding now just around the corner, I’m finding I can’t be excited for her because I’m just stressed about how on Earth I can manage to plan it. Its not even as though I can realistically say to her that I can’t manage that because she has the entire wedding to plan with a young baby as well so don’t want to give her the stress of having to plan her own hen as well. I have suggested she reconsider the date; not for my benefit of course but I genuinely think she’s underestimating the amount of pressure she’s putting on herself to plan a wedding in such a short space of time whilst having a newborn as well but she’s quite adamant she wants to do that so I can only try and support her from here but I am feeling annoyed that this also places pressure on me to try and arrange her hen when I should be just focusing on my own baby. We’re both first time Mums so have no idea really what things will be like until after they’re here but I just don’t want to spend those precious first few months with my baby stressing over planning, managing and organising a hen do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

GiveHerHellFromUs Fri 24-Jan-20 05:56:14

Is she planning on breastfeeding too? What's her plan for the hen do in terms of baby?

There's no reason you can't arrange the hen do before baby arrives if you've got a couple of months.

But if you don't feel you'd be comfortable attending you're just going to have to bite the bullet.

AJPTaylor Fri 24-Jan-20 06:06:13

She is in the same boat! Talk to her. Say it will be different with you both having such young babies, what did she have in mind?

TipseyTorvey Fri 24-Jan-20 06:10:06

I think by 5 months you'll be in a groove hopefully. Could you suggest that the hen do is local starting with a restaurant and going to a comedy club etc so you're close to the babies if needed. Or have it at one of your houses? I think hen do's for older women with kids don't need to be a weekend in ibiza surely? What sort of thing is she thinking of.?

BlackRibboner Fri 24-Jan-20 06:10:27

I arranged a hen do - and attended it - when my first was six weeks old. Ebf, I pumped and went home relatively early (skipped the clubbing!). All fine.

Now obviously all situations are different etc - and I couldn't have done the same with my second or third! But I think you could probably get the bulk of the organising done now, plan for both you and the bride to be having small babies (so daytime activities, close to home), then adapt as necessary depending on how the babies are. Good luck with everything smile

redcarbluecar Fri 24-Jan-20 06:11:32

Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with her about what she wants and what’s feasible. Also, although you’re the only bridesmaid, is there any other friend who could help you or even take over, given the situation?

Sheepskinslippers Fri 24-Jan-20 06:18:44

It depends what sort of hen do it is. I planned my friend's hen party by myself when I had a 2 month old and the initial organising everyone and making sure places/activities were available was a bit stressful for a couple of days but it was definitely manageable.

This was only a one night hen do with 10 people and in a local city though with just a couple of activities and a night out.

If you're talking a weekend abroad then that's a different kettle of fish but that seems given you'll both have young babies.

My advice would be just plan to keep it fairly simple. Only give the hens two options of accommodation/activities so you don't have too many opinions to contend with. Then nearer the time, if you find you have a bit more free time that you thought, you can arrange a few more additional nice extras.

It will fine and you're friend will be really grateful. She's in the exact same position as you so will fully appreciate how difficult it is!! Good luck! Oh, and try and do as much as you possibly can before the baby arrives...!

Starryskiesinthesky Fri 24-Jan-20 06:59:28

I’ve never organised a hen do but does it have to be so stressful and like others have said, can’t you just plan it now and plan something that is doable for a breast feeding mother? Yes, and get a friend / other hen to help!

user1493413286 Fri 24-Jan-20 07:09:19

Could you use one of those companies that will organise it for you? I know it costs extra that way but it would relieve the pressure on you a bit. Could you also ask a mum or sister of hers to help organise things a bit?
I’ve been organising my sisters hen do while pregnant and it’s been ok to be honest as most of it is done through internet and phone calls so I’d suggest trying to organise as much as possible before you have the baby then the last details in the couple of weeks before.
Also keep it simple such as; a night in with a takeaway, one activity, an afternoon tea and then meal and night out.

billy1966 Fri 24-Jan-20 07:15:07

I would have a little do before the babies arrive and. Also do something small closer to the wedding.

If you are EB, you will have your baby with you which will completely change the evening. Oh and the babies might be surprisingly alert and vocal at 5+ months unlike very small babies that might sleep a lot.

PotteringAlong Fri 24-Jan-20 07:17:14

A hen do doesn’t have to be stressful. Go out for dinner. Get numbers, book a table. Job done.

PotteringAlong Fri 24-Jan-20 07:18:06

Also keep it simple such as; a night in with a takeaway, one activity, an afternoon tea and then meal and night out.

That’s not simple. That’s a whole weekend. It’s just not necessary!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 24-Jan-20 07:20:26

What a fuss! Organise a low key local event. Maybe afternoon tea or a straightforward meal and night out. If she wanted an extravagant weekend abroad, she should have got married before getting pregnant (or has to wait until her baby is older).

Ginfordinner Fri 24-Jan-20 07:22:26

PotteringAlong's idea is the best one. A hen do doesn't have to be a weekend away packed with activities.

usernamerisnotavailable Fri 24-Jan-20 07:24:43

Don't be ridiculous. You're only having a baby! I organised my whole wedding with a newborn (he was 6 months old at the wedding) it was great timing. I was off work on mat leave and it was rest to have something to keep my brain active. You'll be fine. She's in the same boat so keep hen do local and by 6 months you'll be fine to express and leave DC with your DH for a few hours.

Having a baby doesn't mean all other activities have to end!

MintyMabel Fri 24-Jan-20 07:30:08

It’s a hen party, not a royal wedding. How much looking after do you think a small baby needs that you won’t be able to find time to organise a night out?

If you are going to panic over something so minor, maybe just pull out from the wedding altogether. The bride will thank you for it if something like this is causing such a palaver.

Microwavedtea Fri 24-Jan-20 07:37:53

It wouldnt personally bother me organizing a hen do with a young baby but then I've organized he dos before so semi know what I'm doing.

You're maybe over thinking and complicating things. What about a cocktail making session in a bar and then you and the hens stay on there after and continue drinking, you can always leave a bit earlier than most if it's too much for you.

nettie434 Fri 24-Jan-20 07:44:32

I don’t feel its fair on my friend to not organise her a good hen because she did such a good job planning mine

That’s the bit that needs emphasising to your friend so she knows that you appreciate the efforts she made, even though both your circumstances have changed. I think sheepskinslippers’ and usernameisnotavailable’s ideas of short local activities sound good. The salon where I have my legs waxed does ‘pamper parties’ (do hate that word). Could that be an option? You might find your friend feels differently about a big weekend away thing once your babies arrive.

LazyDaisey Fri 24-Jan-20 07:53:04

If you’re going to be breastfeeding, you’ll find yourself either watching tv or on your phone for hours, as you’re stuck on the sofa with a baby who’s cluster feeding. It’s actually perfect for researching / booking stuff on the internet. No one talks to each other these days... everything is group chats... so it should be pretty simple to plan organise and communicate with everyone while you’re feeding your baby. The only drawback will be that in the early days, you’ll be pinging everyone at 3am - just forewarn them to silence their phones.

MrsMoastyToasty Fri 24-Jan-20 07:57:38

Have a pamper day and meal at a classy restaurant then home to bed.

DrManhattan Fri 24-Jan-20 08:01:53

What is she expecting you to arrange?
I would pick the right moment and speak to her about it x

Englishgirl9 Fri 24-Jan-20 08:01:53

Totally agree with @usernamerisnotavailable. Babies only take over your whole life if you make it that way!

Stop being so ridiculous - you have more than 6 months to plan the hen do. You really think you'll have zero time to sit on your phone and book things during 6 months of mat leave?

CottonSock Fri 24-Jan-20 08:03:30

Yanbu. That age was hard for me, exclusively breastfeeding and sleep regression.

Whatafustercluck Fri 24-Jan-20 08:04:31

How hard can organising a hen party be?! Genuinely don't understand the fuss.

Plus, if you know when she's getting married, could you do the bulk of any 'planning' now?

The hen is likely to be when the babies are 5+ months old - almost old enough for weaning. Stockpile expressed milk, pump and dump while you're out if it's for more than a few hours. Don't organise anything that takes you away for a whole weekend if you don't want to and explain why. Or do something you can join for part of it and leave when necessary and again explain up front.

Bakedbrie Fri 24-Jan-20 08:04:58

This sounds like a hissy fit rather than genuine overloading. It’s just a few phone calls...do what you can, don’t do what you cant.

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