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AIBU?

AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

196 replies

Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:04

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

828 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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whereishappyat · 23/01/2020 10:08

I think it's really kind that you have done this previously, if you wanted to continue could you look at alternative places to eat which are cheaper? Or maybe invite them separately rather than all together then you aren't paying for as many people in one go. I do feel that if you are inviting them then you should pick up the bill as this is what has happened for so long. If these really aren't options then you might just have to be upfront and say me and dad would love to go for a meal with you and are willing to pay the first £30 to help you out a little.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 23/01/2020 10:11

I think now you’ve done this for the first two, the next two have to have some of the same advantages. I’d say “we’ll pay up until X age” (whatever age the eldest is currently at ) and leave it at that.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 23/01/2020 10:11

Just tell them they are adults and if they want to go for meals they need to foot the bill. Tbh youl find they wont want to attend, same with the holiday they are only coming because it's a free holiday if they were paying they wouldn't be accompanying you on holiday they would go themselves. Surely you want to carve out spending quality time together with you're husband.

VanGoghsDog · 23/01/2020 10:11

Don't go out as often, or just go for pizza, or tell them "I need you all to start chipping in, we're not made of money".

Why do you need a bigger house?

With the holidays, just say "oh, we're not having a holiday this year, we can't afford it. Though it would be cheaper to get a villa for all of us I suppose, if you all put in a hundred pounds a head and then we can sort out the cost of groceries when were there".

I'm 51 and my parents pay for dinner and holidays, but to them it's just gifting to me now instead of paying inheritance tax!

CakeandCustard28 · 23/01/2020 10:13

Just tell them straight. They are adults, they need to stand on their own two feet and start paying towards things now. The bank of mum and dad is officially closed. No point beating around the bush about it.

januaryistoolong · 23/01/2020 10:13

This is a tricky one as like you said, I think if you’ve paid in the past and it is you inviting them out for a meal they will obviously assume it’ll be the same as always and you’re essentially offering to pay for them.

I remember my teenage entitlement ending when I’d gone out for a meal with my auntie and my older cousin when I was about 18/19 and the bill came my auntie said ‘let’s just split it 3 ways then’ Grin I wish I’d been able to keep it going to mid 20s!

VanGoghsDog · 23/01/2020 10:13

With my niece and nephew I tell them to pay what they can afford and I pay the balance of the bill, but I do tell them this in advance, I don't just spring it on them.

I pay for their birthday meals but it's if we go out any other times.

TimeForAParty · 23/01/2020 10:14

Yes, if you invite them out for a meal then it's generally expected that you pay.
With my IL's we'll often meet up for a walk and a picnic in which case everyone takes something. If we go to a restaurant, they pay. We have on occasion tried to pay, but MIL would never let us.

I think you can say about holidays that it's just you and DH want a holiday alone this time. I certainly would never ask to go on a holiday although I am debating asking them to take DS this year Can you make up some kind of anniversary you want to celebrate together?

VanGoghsDog · 23/01/2020 10:15

You do get to a point where they pay for you. I went to dinner with my aunt and uncle last year, and dp, and I paid for all of us. They are on a small pension.

Wattagoose90 · 23/01/2020 10:16

I think you're over thinking it. Just don't invite them to the meals. Make it an annual thing as a treat maybe. Don't invite them on holiday and if they ask about a holiday this year just say "sorry, we can't afford to pay for everyone this year".

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2020 10:16

Why do you have to address this and not their Father?

How long would it be until you get your new house? Could you not see them separately, now they are old enough to be in relationships?

The holiday situation is ridiculous, while you need to rehouse yourself. Has he been doing it out of guilt?

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2020 10:17

But, you have the perfect reason. You just tell them that you are tightening your belts because of the new house.

averythinline · 23/01/2020 10:18

talk to them as adults?
say we are cutting costs this year as saving for new house...

so less going out to eat or smaller cheaper eats so seeing separately.

re holiday - dont go or just go as a couple...., or say you will pay for younger sd this year as paid for older last year - and thats it.. .if older comes then they contribute..
your DC what does their father contribute why is your DH paying for them or do you pay for them? how much younger are they -

you need to sit with your DH and arrange a plan/amounts and fairness looking at all DC the same..then talking to them about your decisions

sleepylittlebunnies · 23/01/2020 10:18

I think you can just tell them that as you are saving for a bigger house you can no longer pay for adults to come on holiday. Regarding meals out; don’t invite them. If you fancy going for a family meal just suggest it but make it clear that everyone’s paying for themselves. I suppose it’s tricky when they’ve got used to it but I think it’s a bit presumptuous to ask to invite others for you to pay for too. Maybe this year as you’re saving invite them for BBQs or go out for a picnic, encourage the adults to bring a dish or a bottle.

Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:27

Thanks everyone. Some good practical advice there. Maybe I am overthinking it. I like the idea of a picnic etc (depending weather!). And actually, I probably do have the perfect excuse to say we are wanting to move. @VanGoghsDog... youngest child (son) is 15....6ft and in a very small box room. He plays football...we have a small yard and he’d love a garden with more space; We don’t have room for a dining table etc ...maybe we don’t need a new house but feel since we are in a better financial situation it is an opportunity to get a bit more space for the child who is getting taller by the day! Lol!

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 23/01/2020 10:29

I think this really depends on the dynamics. Are you inviting them to meals, and choosing the restaurant?
I have relatives who want to meet up, and they want to have lunch/dinner in nice places as part of it. If they want to do that, that’s ok with me, but it isn’t what I would choose to spend my money on. I’d rather do something else (maybe go to a museum, the theatre or a comedy night for example) and not buy food out.
If they want to eat out, I’d rather not go if I am paying for myself.
If you’re dictating the activity, then maybe you should pay for it. Perhaps they’d rather have a Mac Donald’s.

WillLokireturn · 23/01/2020 10:29

I can see how you got to this situation. DSS are now proper adults not just at the fuzzy years of 18/19/20 when they are still newbie adults and maybe at uni. The problem is that they now all have partners who are equally expecting you to pay for them and it's tripling the costs. At some point you'd have to say that it's getting too much.

In terms of the holiday expectations, pull it back, you're saving for a big gee r house and can't afford to take everyone on holiday. Now you guys are adults

I suspect they won't want to come with you though without it being free, or without a significant donation from you, and that's an issue for their Father who might enjoy and prefer to take the hit to yo ur savings for the memories and fun of the holidays with all of your Family together .

You have the reason to say Can't afford that, it's the real one and you have every right to limit your holiday to paying for just you and under 18s with them choosing whether to pay for themselves to come or not. I expect you'd still end up paying majority of additional costs for food etc but if you make it clear they need to spend their money for dinners out but you'll buy food for dinners in, you'll see how much it was the free holiday v holiday with our family that was the drawing factor.

Don't worry that one DSD missed out on last years holiday, she was offered to come and decided not to. That was a time you could afford it but your financial situation has changed now. She can't reasonably expect that.

Your DDs new DP sounds like a c"ck-lodger so that's a tactful exploring chat (for her father) to have with your DSD at some point, of how she's managing financially as you're aware he doesn't work and she's shouldering more financial role than he is.

KatherineJaneway · 23/01/2020 10:33

Just need a sit down meeting where you state that paying for meals and holidays has to stop. Be open and honest about it but you ned to draw the line clearly.

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 23/01/2020 10:36

I think you're v patient OP.

I would be telling them to fark off. Sounds like a massive toll.

MrKlaw · 23/01/2020 10:39

what are peoples' cut off points for this kind of thing? Post-university; when they get a job; other?

Have one DS just starting Uni and DD starting A-Levels so have a few years to think about but would be good to know

tenlittlecygnets · 23/01/2020 10:41

I would be less concerned about who pays for meals and much more concerned about your dss:

they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23.

The lazy fucker. So your dss is saving for a house with a cocklodger. What does she see in him? I'd be gently encouraging her to think about their relationship.

Nifflernancy · 23/01/2020 10:41

What does your DH think? If he isn’t on board with cutting back and not paying for stepdaughters & boyfriends’ meals etc, can you even do anything? Would he just pay anyway?

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Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:45

@WillLokireturn.... great advice there. And I think your assessment of DD’s new partner is spot on! His parents give him £100 per week as he’s not working; they don’t want him to claim benefits and they ‘don’t want him to go without’... honestly, you couldn’t make it up!

OP posts:
Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:46

@tenlittlecygnets.... c**klodger.... I’m howling laughing at this!!

OP posts:
blackburner · 23/01/2020 10:46

I'm gobsmacked. Dh would NEVER let my parents pay when we go out for dinner (in fact there's usually a 20 minute argument over who pays.)

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