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To think I am not horrible?

(69 Posts)
LittleBusLotto Wed 22-Jan-20 23:48:45

I don't think my husband is a manipulative person, but he told me that I am a horrible person. He said that his family have thought that for a long time and were only pretending to like me for his sake and our DC. It is not the first time he told me he thinks I am horrible. My head is spinning as I thought that his family like me. I try not to be horrible but can feel insecure sometimes and can be sensitive and they are also from another culture so I feel a little alien. He says that because of this I always cause problems and this is why they do not like me. He is so angry and thinks so little of me. It is like I am a terrible person. He slept with me twice at the weekend (which is unusual). Why would he do that if he thinks that I am horrible? I don't think I am horrible, I genuinely try to be kind, sometimes I lose my temper if I think something is unfair or panic if I feel insecure and I always try to stick up for myself, but could I be terribly wrong about myself? Do you think that horrible people are just not aware of how bad they are? I feel that if I were to accept this fully I would put myself at the level of a doormat and need to subjugate myself entirely and never put my feelings first, I just don't feel I can do that, but might I be wrong about myself?

MoonlightBonnet Wed 22-Jan-20 23:51:01

Your husband sounds pretty horrible.

LittleBusLotto Wed 22-Jan-20 23:52:03

Sorry to drip feed: I have asked to separate, but now wondering if that was a mistake and I should work on myself.

Doyoumind Wed 22-Jan-20 23:53:47

This is abuse. He makes you feel like shit and blames you for everything. This isn't about you. It's about him. Find out about the Freedom Programme.

MoonlightBonnet Wed 22-Jan-20 23:54:34

Great news that you’re separating. Stick to it, don’t let him get inside your head like this.

NumbersStation Wed 22-Jan-20 23:56:41

It doesn’t really sound to me that you are the horrible one in your relationship.

If you felt like you wanted to separate then there is a reason for it. flowers

Go with it.

Hidingtonothing Thu 23-Jan-20 00:02:34

Yes I think horrible people know they're horrible, or at least people generally know when they're behaving badly. The fact that you're questioning yourself and don't recognise your husbands description of you almost certainly means you're not horrible and that means he's saying it for some other reason.

I think your idea that you would need to be a doormat and subjugate yourself in order to please him is probably spot on and that's what he's aiming for, to break you down til you believe you're nothing so he can treat you like nothing. I'm sorry but I think you were on the right track when you asked for a separation, get out now before he does your self esteem any more damage flowers

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Thu 23-Jan-20 00:20:46

The dripping of poison about what other people have allegedly said about you sounds deliberately cruel and controlling.

I honestly think you need to get away. Oh, and get a lawyer who has experience in dealing with abusive/controlling men.

Wearywithteens Thu 23-Jan-20 00:37:57

He ‘slept with you’ (had sex with you) at the weekend - did you consent to this? He and his family sound intimidating - especially if he’s ‘angry and thinks so little of you’ - have you got a safe place for you and your dc? Relatives? Friends?

Leaannb Thu 23-Jan-20 00:42:28

Sseparating is the best way to work on yourself. You get rid of the dead weight

Livelovebehappy Thu 23-Jan-20 00:42:35

Difficult to say whether your horrible or not just by reading this. I think it’s true that sometimes people dont perceive themselves as others do. I think everyone’s capable of being horrible sometimes, but the key thing is recognising when you’re behaving badly, and acknowledging it.

Coyoacan Thu 23-Jan-20 01:05:15

Your husband sounds pretty horrible

Your husband sounds abusive. My abusive ex starting telling me that mutual friends couldn't understand why he was with me. I found out he had made it up because, quite by accident, a year after we split up, those same friends told me that they had never understood what I saw in him.

I mean, really, if you really were horrible, why on earth would your husband be with you?

Get away from him. As for his family, you really don't know what the truth is there. My bet is that he made it up to torture you.

NotNowPlzz Thu 23-Jan-20 01:07:03

Can't tell. You could be lovely and he could be trying to lower your self-esteem for abusive reasons, or you could be really horrible. No one here can know.

Lilymossflower Thu 23-Jan-20 01:12:34

Yes he is abusive.

He is telling you his family don't like you and only pretend, to make you feel isolated so that your less likely to separate from him.
And to lower your self esteem.

Then sleeping with you twice to make you attach to him more / question yourself more
/make you confused and be less able to make the decision to leave, making you more likely to stay with him

Please call women's aid
Re connect with friends / family of your own

The very fact that you are questioning that your a horrible person and that your self esteem has come down so much proves you are actually a very decent caring and kind person.
Really, truly horrible people know what they are doing.

You deserve better than someone who makes you feel like shit.

Stay strong <3

Coyoacan Thu 23-Jan-20 01:57:53

or you could be really horrible. No one here can know

If you think someone is horrible, you don't keep on living with them and want sex with them. A loving partner does not say to their mate that everyone else hates them. Just no.

A loving partner builds you up to yourself and to their friends and family.

And if they can't do that, they separate, but without tearing you down in the process.

Josette77 Thu 23-Jan-20 02:05:42

What was the context? I'd say he sounds horrible unless there is more here. Are you throwing tantrums in front of his family? Are you causing a lot of drama? Why does he think you're horrible?

Josette77 Thu 23-Jan-20 02:06:49

But I will say I know people who think they are lovely and kind and empathetic and they have massive issues. They don't understand why people end up avoiding them. So yes you can be horrible and think you are lovely.

GiveHerHellFromUs Thu 23-Jan-20 02:09:04

Unless there was a trigger than made it reasonable to say you're horrible then he's a nasty twat and I'm glad you asked to separate

Runkle Thu 23-Jan-20 02:10:19

Never mind why did he sleep with you if he finds you horrible, more importantly why did you sleep with him while he calls you horrible?! He sounds awful.

Nondescriptname Thu 23-Jan-20 02:28:16

Has he given any examples of you being horrible?
If he has, can you see any truth in them?
If he hasn't, it sounds like he's the horrible one trying to break you down.

If you want to be separated from him, don't just ask him about it.
Make your own plans then put them into action.

Women's Aid would be a good starting point for advice about your relationship and what your options are.

Dontjumptoconclusions Thu 23-Jan-20 02:33:14

Examples of when you're supposedly horrible OP?

theThreeofWeevils Thu 23-Jan-20 02:36:35

more importantly why did you sleep with him while he calls you horrible?

Runkle, from the OP's post did you pick up the impression that she has much power in this relationship, or much confidence or even self-esteem? Because I didn't. Which should answer your question.

And OP, for what it's worth, I think your husband is a very manipulative person. Separation sounds like a very good idea. Speak to womens aid and focus on staying safe.

TheBewildernessisWeetabix Thu 23-Jan-20 02:49:52

It sounds like he is trying to alienate you and isolate you from his family who probably like you better than they like him.

penisbeakers Thu 23-Jan-20 02:59:34

So why does he think you're horrible? We can't be helpful unless we know the full picture. You mention a different culture too. Are you culturally opposite?

Hmmmwhatsthat Thu 23-Jan-20 03:05:57

YOU are NOT the horrible one in this relationship. He is. You're not so horrible that he couldn't have sex with you twice at the weekend.

Yes separate now before he completely ruins your confidence and isolates you.

He is abusing you.

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