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to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

(247 Posts)
thesparrowflieshigh Wed 22-Jan-20 15:56:03

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 22-Jan-20 15:59:08

I voted YANBU because he could use Viagra but doesn't (or rarely)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Wed 22-Jan-20 15:59:39

It hasn't been taken away because you never had it.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 22-Jan-20 15:59:57

Assuming the ED isn't self inflicted by lifestyle, this isn't his fault. Did he keep it from you til the wedding night? Because otherwise you went into this knowingly.
Of this was a guy saying the wife has endometriosis so sex is painful so we do it very rarely and only in one position etc and I'm angry at her cos I want better sex, what wodo you think the response would be?

Bluntness100 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:01:19

Why doesn't he take his viagra?

Darkstar4855 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:01:47

YABU to think it’s as simple as “relaxing”. It’s an incredibly complex psychological thing to overcome.

Would he consider counselling?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Wed 22-Jan-20 16:01:56

Is Viagra something you can take a lot of?

AryaStarkWolf Wed 22-Jan-20 16:02:17

It hasn't been taken away because you never had it.

How do you know she never had it? Just because she never had it with him doesn't mean she never had it before him

Zilla1 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:03:45

To try and be helpful, he might want to discuss with his primary care practitioner/GP whether tadalafil/cialis might suit his/your circumstances better than viagra. in some circumstances, better for spontaneity and can have more effect for some users.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Wed 22-Jan-20 16:03:55

How do you know she never had it? Just because she never had it with him doesn't mean she never had it before him

She's talking about her husband who has always had it. She knew he had it from day one by the sounds of things.

Notthebloodygym Wed 22-Jan-20 16:05:21

I don't see that his issues should prevent him making efforts to satisfy you, so I think you should talk to him about that. You'll need to persist in discussing it if he tried to dodge the issue, as your request is reasonable. It's just possible he doesn't know.

That may help a lot. If it doesn't, then you may benefit from a Relate counsellor, or similar. Lots of people do.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 22-Jan-20 16:05:33

She's talking about her husband who has always had it. She knew he had it from day one by the sounds of things.

What she said is "this part of me has been taken away" she's talking about herself and a part of herself (ie good sex)

draughtycatflap Wed 22-Jan-20 16:05:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oblomov20 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:05:37

I think people are being very harsh and unfair to OP.
What about just dealing with the facts as they are now?

Bluntness100 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:05:40

Well goggle says you can take viagra daily safely,

So ..

thesparrowflieshigh Wed 22-Jan-20 16:06:52

I did have a good sex life prior to DH, unfortunately with men who were incompatible in other ways. DH only takes the Viagra when the ED is really bad as I think he thinks he does a pretty good job with a semi erection.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 22-Jan-20 16:07:21

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 22-Jan-20 16:07:46

I don't know that he's ruined it. 18 years ago the problem existed and optimism kept you together. It wasn't so much a problem then as it seems to be now. Why after 18 years of an unfulfilling sex life are you angry?

Bluntness100 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:07:55

Ok, then why are you not communicating with him that he isn't? How can you be angry with him for thinking he's doing a good job if you've not told him he's not?

WTF99 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:09:39

I think id be cross that he's not taking the the viagra if that works, but he can't really help having ED can he?

recrudescence Wed 22-Jan-20 16:11:44

I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection

Imagine if a man said something similar about his wife’s vaginismus.

andthentherewere6ladiesdancing Wed 22-Jan-20 16:12:25

Viagra is expensive and you don't get it prescribed on nhs unless you have something medically wrong. Maybe this is the reason for not taking it often?

PegasusReturns Wed 22-Jan-20 16:12:34

Fucking hell @draughtycatflap aren’t you a delight hmm

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 22-Jan-20 16:12:53

he thinks he does a pretty good job with a semi erection

You've let him think he does?

WTF99 Wed 22-Jan-20 16:14:15

Oh right.....he thinks you're ok with his 'semi' performance because you haven't said anything.
Bit unfair to be cross with him then isnt it

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