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AIBU- family member won’t leave my house, how can I get them out?!

(101 Posts)
Lolo12091 Wed 22-Jan-20 14:55:15

Hello,
Strange topic didn’t really know what to call it 🙈My cousin is homeless, her landlord decided to sell and for that reason she is in emergency accommodation, but it is an hour away from her work and sons school and it is unsuitable for children (it’s one room in a hotel with druggys). Now. She was originally staying with my other cousin. But he has 3 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and they were too squashed there (she stayed there for 2 months) so she asked if I minded her staying at mine. I felt blindsighted, it was on the spot in person, so I didn’t have any excuse so I just said I didn’t mind and she made out it would only be a few nights here and there so she wasn’t staying at my cousins house constantly.

This is where the AIBU bit comes in... I have a 2 bedroom flat. My daughter stays in my room as she doesn’t like hers. So we effectively have a spare room, with my daughters stuff in. My rent is £1000 a month.

Now I didn’t mind them staying at first but it’s been a month now and it’s annoying me having other people’s stuff everywhere. She’s not messy it’s just stuff ie clothes but it’s annoying me. She doesn’t eat any of my food. They usually eat out. She pays for gas and electric when I’m not at home (I stay at my partners 2 days a week). But i just feel like it’s not my home anymore. And she can’t afford to pay any money towards my rent as she’s paying rent towards the emergency accommodation. I’m out a lot, and she has a partner who I’ve said isn’t allowed over (because I don’t want other people doing ‘stuff’ in my home!) but I have smelt Men’s deodorant a few times and I feel like he has been over when I’ve stayed out. I asked her and she said no. But still. I just don’t like the thought of it.

Now I don’t really have any reason to ask her to leave. My daughter doesn’t use the room. It’s just me being possessive and wanting my home back to normal and I pay £1000 a month to live here. I should be able to have it all to myself! Being able to relax on weekends and not have to talk to people or worry about getting out of the shower and someone being in my lounge lol. Or getting woken up by others. Do you know what I mean?

I don’t know how to ask her to leave as if I was on the other side I would think I was being unreasonable as she can’t stay anywhere else really but I think she’s taking the mick a bit staying for such a long time without contributing any money. But she can’t afford too. I feel like I go around in circles when I think of what to say!!

What can I say??

AIBU???

LIZS Wed 22-Jan-20 15:00:05

You need to tell her to leave. She will not get rehoused if she is not staying at her emergency accommodation, and may even have that taken away. She has had plenty of time to find an alternative, but you have given her no reason to. Are her children at yours too?

ilovemyrednosedaymug Wed 22-Jan-20 15:03:17

Why is she still paying for the emergency accommodation if she is not staying there? She needs to live there and sort herself out.

Tell her that you daughter now wants her room back and give her a date to leave by. Make sure you get her keys back, or change the locks.

She has somewhere to go, the fact that it doesn't suit her is not your problem.

Parkrunner25 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:05:56

As above, she needs to be physically staying in her emergency accommodation - and yes, they do keep records. If she's not staying there, she's clearly demonstrating that she's NOT homeless and DOES have an alternative availabile to her.

Hopex3 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:06:54

YANBU. it's your home, your choice.

jimmyjammy001 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:07:44

You are the easy option which she is taking full advantage of, she will never get a place of her own if she is not in the emergency accommodation as council will push her on to be your problem

peachesandclean Wed 22-Jan-20 15:08:31

If I were you, I would tell her my daughter needed her room back, maybe say she doesn't want to share with you anymore (maybe even get your daughter in on it)

Even if she argues it, it's your house and you can decide who sleeps where

Helini Wed 22-Jan-20 15:09:10

'Oh no, sorry cousin. I spoke with the landlord who has had a report that more people are living here than legally allowed and so he's going to considerably raise my tax and/or rent... Unless you move out within the week. Even of you contributed to the rent, I still couldn't afford the rise! Bastard LL and nosey neighbours grassing us up! Arggh! Do you need help packing your stuff?'

katy1213 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:09:25

Why is she paying for emergency accommodation that she isn't using? Surely she could find a private rental closer to her work? I think I would give her a fortnight's notice and say that you need your home back. You have been more than kind and she has no incentive to sort herself out.
If she is entertaining her 'partner' behind your back, that is beyond cheeky. (And if he's her partner, why he isn't he providing accommodation?)

Taddda Wed 22-Jan-20 15:12:57

The pp is right, if shes proven to not be staying in the emergency accommodation they wont class her as homeless and she may loose her council priority (I'd imagine she'd be quite high on the list given her sons school location etc).
Maybe put that to her, also that she needs to be chasing the council also as a priority?

Christmaspug Wed 22-Jan-20 15:14:40

Tell her you want £500 for the past month plus half bills ,and £500 plus half bills for next month ..
I’m sure she will soon leave

justilou1 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:26:05

If she can afford to eat out, she can afford to pay you rent.

damnthatanxiety Wed 22-Jan-20 15:26:56

I agree with a PP. Tell her that now it has been over a month so if she needs to stay for any longer it is half the rent end of story. If she takes you up on it then you are £500 up a month and that may make it worth your while. Having said that, she will then insist on having her bf stay when she likes so only offer if you are ok with this. Otherwise just tell her straight:
'cousin, I am glad to have been able to help you out of an emergency but it has been over a month now and I really need my space back. I need you to move out by the end of the week. You won't be able to get rehoused if you are not staying in your emergency accommodation in any case so for both reasons, you need to leave now'.

messolini9 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:27:42

Now I don’t really have any reason to ask her to leave.
You do have a reason - it's your home, & you want to live in it with your daughter only. That is a reasonable & normal feeling. Don't let her tell you otherwise.

I don’t know how to ask her to leave as if I was on the other side I would think I was being unreasonable as she can’t stay anywhere else really
You tell her you have been glad to help out but it's time for you & DD to have your home back to yourselves.
You give her a date to move out.
What do you mean she cant stay anywhere else? She already has accommodation. If she does not get back to it pronto, she will lose it. That will mean she also loses out on being considered for re-housing.
So you are doing her no favours allowing her to extend her stay.

Taddda Wed 22-Jan-20 15:29:08

The 'I've had a phone call asking about who lives here from the landlord, probably from the neighbours...confused...' is a good shout- plus if your renting and they're not on the lease there's a possibility you might-
I think you've done your bit OP, you've helped out, but she can't expect people to let her sofa surf- yes it's a crappy situation to be living in emergency accommodation, but it wont be forever - there are people like 'shelter' and the 'CAB' that can help forward her application- I'd be pointing her in that direction

messolini9 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:30:52

Oh no, sorry cousin. I spoke with the landlord who has had a report that more people are living here than legally allowed and so he's going to considerably raise my tax and/or rent... Unless you move out within the week. Even of you contributed to the rent, I still couldn't afford the rise! Bastard LL and nosey neighbours grassing us up! Arggh! Do you need help packing your stuff?'

FFS don't feed her this bullshit.
It is entirely unnecessary.
You dont need to invent gigantic ridiculous lies, just stand your ground.

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 22-Jan-20 15:36:58

Deep breath and tell her enough is enough.

Pack her stuff and leave it by the front door if you think she hasn't taken you seriously!

Justanotherusernamer Wed 22-Jan-20 15:37:17

You don't need to lie or make anything up.

Your reasons are valid. Tell her she needs to leave by XYZ date (... and that includes her things & returning your key).

Privacy, stability, wanting control of who has access to your home & belongings are all perfectly valid reason. Your daughter needs a stable, consistent home... It all sounds chaotic and like a student bedsit with all the bed hopping going on.

Why didn't you think your reasons are a valid enough rationale to get her out? Boundaries are important, op.

Lolo12091 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:41:53

I’m glad everyone agrees with me!

Yes it is her child staying as well.

Her emergency accommodation is a dodgy one that let you sign in for 2 weeks at a time and no cameras as they appreciate it’s not suitable really for kids. So she doesn’t have to stay just sign in. Obviously legally is a different story. But the council don’t know she’s not there and I’ve perosnqlly be in emergency accommodation worse and I know how horrible it is to stay there which is why I understand why she doesn’t want to stay there.

We are really close, speak to each other a lot. She knows that my daughter doesn’t stay in her room and never has. I don’t want to lie about her wanting her room back because she is 4 and she will not lie too lol.

I want to send a text to her because I’m away at my partners for 2 days. So what can I say?

Also I’ve already asked if she can contribute £350, and I have asked every week and she said she cannot afford it ‘at the min’ and now she’s just got her bill through for her emergency accommodation (as if you work you have to pay towards it) and it’s £500. And her wage is only £1000 a month and she has a car on finance, phone bills etc. She can’t pay me anything at all so I can’t mention that in my text. I just want a nice way or wording I want you to leave lol

Lolo12091 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:45:51

The reason I feel unreasonable is because I effectively do have a spare room. She’s not really in my way too much. If she leaves all that will change is she won’t be there. As I said she’s quite polite in the sense she doesn’t eat my food/pays electric when I’m not in, we don’t really share meals unless it’s the weekend as she works late and her child eats out with her. It’s just literally I don’t want company all the time and just want my house back which saying it just sounds a bit rude and if I was her I’d probably fall out with me, as it’s not forever and she can’t really stay anywhere else. As if she stays at her emergency she has to leave there at 6.30 to get to work on time and it’s so unfair on her child. I know these are her issues not mine but I feel bad when I do have the room. I just don’t want her here anymore sad

Alexandernevermind Wed 22-Jan-20 15:47:14

Just tell her you want your space back by the weekend. You don't need to give any reasons. Perhaps tell her face to face though, then back up by text.

NicLondon1 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:47:41

I would maybe start with a chat about her plans for the future... obviously she is in a really tough position. But is she working/looking for work? Can you help with her securing a job so she has finances sorted?
How serious is the boyfriend... do you think she's hoping they can live with him at some point soon..? That would be the ideal resolution.

I wouldn't just kick her out, but have a conversation about how she can get out of her current predicament... good luck.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:48:05

As PP's have said, she'll get found out about the emergency accommodation and you might be seen an an alternative. Then you'll be really stuck!

I think she either needs to give up the emergency accommodation and start paying you rent (if you're allowed to sub-let), or she'll have to go back there. Neither is a great solution, but it can't go on like this.

Sally872 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:50:21

"I need my space back, I am really sorry about your situation but moving in here was never meant to be permanent. I need you to look for somewhere else"

8by8 Wed 22-Jan-20 15:51:17

Ok honestly.....I wouldn’t leave my cousin and her child to stay in a hostel full of druggies if I had a spare room.

It doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything wrong or cheeky, other than needing a place to stay while she gets back on her feet.

You can talk to her about how you’re finding it tough, ask her to stay elsewhere sometimes so you get some space, but actually telling her to leave would be very selfish in the circumstances.

And yes of course you’re allowed to be selfish and look after your own interests, but it would be a pretty mean thing to do to her.

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