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Just been treated to not one, but two

(186 Posts)
Tyrozet Wed 22-Jan-20 04:11:06

Unsolicited dick pics.

Sadly from DPs best friend. I messaged him to see how he's doing and somehow he thought this was appropriate. I thought he was joking when he said he was going to send one.

I've laughed it off and turned off notifications for his messages now. I don't know if I should tell DP or just leave it. He's having an awful time just now as it is, but I'd be really upset if I thought he was looking at pictures of another girl in a similar vein.

Also I want to delete the pictures but I don't want it to look like I was trying to be secretive if/when it comes out.

We see this friend once a year. He's older than DP and DP looks up to him somewhat.

Should I just delete/ignore?

LucaFritz Wed 22-Jan-20 04:18:13

Tell your DP straight away he won't want to be friends with someone who does that behind his back and its in no way your fault it happened. Sending unsolicited pictures like that is just as bad as sexual assault imo

Rosebud21 Wed 22-Jan-20 04:18:58

Wow, what as your DP's friend thinking? That's disgusting, I would be so uncomfortable with this, & think you should tell your DP.

outherealone Wed 22-Jan-20 04:19:40

Yes tell your dp
Yes tell the police

Rosebud21 Wed 22-Jan-20 04:24:00

*what was

Tyrozet Wed 22-Jan-20 04:27:32

I have no idea what he was thinking. They've been friends far longer than DP and I have been together and before tonight we've all got on very well - I've spent time with him/messaged him plenty without DP there has been nothing wrong.

I can only imagine he might be wasted and has had a lapse in judgement.

Chipmonkeypoopoo Wed 22-Jan-20 04:29:38

Tell your DP. The problem with that is you need to decide what you'd do if he just laughed it off...

Shev1996 Wed 22-Jan-20 04:30:07

Honesty is the only option at this point, and sooner the better. If you don’t tell the truth it will come out later and you’ll look like you’re hiding something

Poorolddaddypig Wed 22-Jan-20 04:30:14

You need to tell him because if you don’t and it comes out it will look insanely suspicious. Also your DP needs to know so he can stop being friends with this arsehole

Ughmaybenot Wed 22-Jan-20 04:34:37

You need to tell your DP. It’ll hurt him but it’ll hurt a fuck sight more if it ever comes out in the future and you didn’t tell him and deleted all ‘evidence’. That just looks dodgy unfortunately. Plus, he doesn’t need a ‘friend’ like that anyway.
God I hate that this has to happen to any women, I am sorry.

BetsyBigNose Wed 22-Jan-20 04:36:11

Oh my goodness, poor you! What a horrible situation - gross to receive at the best (worst?!) of times, but from DP's best friend too, what on earth made him think it was a good idea?!

Ideally, I would want to tell DP, but it depends on what you mean by he's 'having an awful time just now' and how you think he'd react.

Sorry to ask, but was the text conversation you were having flirtatious in any way (even if it was, this obviously doesn't excuse his behaviour), or is he usually flirtatious with you in person? How often do you and/or DP see this guy? How close are they, how long have they been friends and how strong is their friendship - is it likely to withstand something like this? Does his friend have a partner? Sorry - so many questions!

In an ideal world, I would text him back saying something along the lines of "That was wildly inappropriate. I will be telling DP about this. I am now blocking your number. Never contact me again. You disgust me." I would then tell DP first thing in the morning and give him my phone so that he can see as much or as little as he likes and can see for himself that this was entirely one-sided and that the pics were totally unsolicited.

However, it very much depends on your answers to my earlier questions (please don't feel you have to answer them all - they're just things I would consider when making the decision).

If you feel that DP isn't strong enough to receive this information at the moment, then I would text his friend back with the message as before, then screen shot the conversation and save it on my phone but perhaps password protect it, so that if the time comes when you think DP can handle it and you feel you want to tell him, then you can show him the screen shots. I would delete the conversation then block him from being able to contact me.

As distasteful as it is, if you're not going to tell DP immediately, I really do think it's worth saving the screen shots so that you can prove everything to him if you need to. Perhaps even write a note on your phone explaining that you wanted to tell him immediately, but outlining the reasons why you felt it wasn't a good idea right now, then save this note in the same folder as the screen shots, so that if your DP did accidentally come across it one day, then he'll also see a dated explanatory note alongside it - rather than just finding a couple of photos of his best friend's junk on your phone!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - it's such an invasion and so completely inappropriate. It sounds like something a pissed 17 year old might do if he wanted to make his girlfriend jealous (although I'm not even sure a drunk teenager would think sending a photo of his penis to anyone other than his girlfriend - even then, who on earth ever thinks it's a good idea to send these types of pictures, I've personally never met a photo-worthy 'pretty penis' - is a particularly great idea...) I hope you manage to settle on a solution you're comfortable with and that you're able to rid yourself of the images asap!

Sending you some mind-bleach @Tyrozet, good luck!

TheBewildernessisWeetabix Wed 22-Jan-20 04:36:31

Forward it to your partner.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 22-Jan-20 04:37:27

I think your vote is confusing. I voted YABU to ignore. It seems others agree with me but have voted the opposite way.

Dh had a friend, who took it upon himself to play wrestle with me on the bed, trying to touch/ snog me. I was very early 20’s. I only told him recently about it actually because I was concerned he would think I was complicit. Deffo tell your dp. You even have photos.

DisinterestedParty Wed 22-Jan-20 04:37:38

Why are you excusing him? It doesn't matter if he was drunk, it was a joke, they've been friends since the day they were born, it is sexual assault and it's not acceptable.

I think I'd have to hold my husband back from going to knock the fucker's head off if one of his friends did this. You need to tell your partner.

KellyHall Wed 22-Jan-20 04:39:03

Second vote for forward the messages to your partner. Send him a message saying "look what (name) just sent me 🤢..."

Tyrozet Wed 22-Jan-20 04:40:01

Ugh, I hate this. How am I the one feeling guilty?

I didn't ask for or encourage this sad

Iambloodystarving Wed 22-Jan-20 04:40:38

"Hey dp, X must have been trashed last night - look at this.."

Enough said.

Ughmaybenot Wed 22-Jan-20 04:41:40

Social conditioning. It’s the worst. He should be feeling guilty, the disgusting cretin.

Heismyopendoor Wed 22-Jan-20 04:41:52

betsy unfortunately, men send unsolicited dick pics all the time. It’s something grown men do a lot, not just 17 year olds. I’m not saying it’s right, but you sound shocked that someone would do that. Personally I think it should be a criminal offence to send them.

Op, you need to tell him. Or when he does find out, because he will, it looks like you are trying to hide something.

AgentJohnson Wed 22-Jan-20 04:42:34

I can only imagine he might be wasted and has had a lapse in judgement.

His ‘lapse’ of judgement has hurt you and that can’t go unchallenged. It really pisses me off when men make women feel unsafe and our first instinct is to protect them and their make friendships.

Unsolicited dick picks aren’t harmless and you shouldn’t pretend that this hasn’t affected you. What he did has changed the dynamic of your relationship with him, which will impact the dynamic you have with your H.

If one of my friends sent my partner unsolicited, or even solicited sexually charged photos, I’d damn well want to know.

Don’t be complicit in making your H an unknowing fool, ignorance isn’t bliss.

Iambloodystarving Wed 22-Jan-20 04:42:52

To the friend:

"hey X, if you did not mean to send those pics last night don't be too embarrassed. If you DID mean to send them then it is time to get bloody MORTIFIED".

RachelTension Wed 22-Jan-20 04:46:44

Like other PPs, please tell your DP, depending on this other 'friend' and how he could turn this, it could look like you were complicit by covering it up if you choose to delete and not say.

Sadly this sort of thing has happened to me so I know that time is of the essence here.

I really hate the way that we as women are made to feel like this and how we now, through no fault of our own, have to handle the fallout when we didn't ask for this to happen in the first place.

DisinterestedParty Wed 22-Jan-20 05:05:50

You feel guilty because of the shitty social conditioning in our society that says sexual assault is our fault.

It never is.

He is a disgusting pig.

Aridane Wed 22-Jan-20 05:14:02

What a dick!

Tyrozet Wed 22-Jan-20 05:23:26

I'll try and answer some of your questions - sorry if I miss any, I'm using the mobile site and choked with the cold so keep having to stop to sneeze hmm

I'm not sure how long exactly they have been friends - I'd say around eight years or so. DP and I together for less than four years. His friend got divorced a couple of years ago and moved to another country. I know there is a woman he is involved with over there, she has visited with him and is lovely but I'm not sure what they call their relationship or how open it is. We see him about once a year when he comes over for an annual event and to visit his family.

DPs self esteem isn't up to much at the best of times and we are dealing with terminal illness in his immediate family atm so his (already fragile) mental health is taking a hit. I'm not sure if telling him will just add to the misery?

DP has his faults as does anyone, but I am completely devoted and loyal to him. I'd never look in this guys direction, let alone anyone elses. We have a laugh together (the three of us) and yes there's the occassional flirty comment- but nothing creepy and not behind DPs back.

He wove an innuendo into the conversation, which I swerved with a joke and a "nothing could tempt me away from DP" - I had no idea he was actually going to follow it up with a picture. Conversation before that was just basic "Hi, how's life?" type thing.

I've deleted the actual pictures but kept the rest of the conversation. I don't think it'll help anyone to have to look at them again.

I think I'll tell DP in the morning. I don't want it to come out later and look like I was trying to keep anything from him.

Yuck.

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