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Or is DP being a dick?

(145 Posts)
Teasynurse Tue 21-Jan-20 14:02:30

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 21-Jan-20 14:05:49

I don't understand why you waited to be woken, how come you didn't start your own alarm?

eenymeenyminyme Tue 21-Jan-20 14:09:24

Did he tell you what time you'd need to leave the house?
Did you work out what time you needed to be up to leave on time?
Did you set an alarm?

If none of the above was discussed / arranged then you had no hope of being ready on time IMO

Biancadelrioisback Tue 21-Jan-20 14:10:16

I would be a bit annoyed if someone agreed to give me a lift but they were still in bed 15 minutes before we had to leave and had to sort their stuff out, get dressed etc...

KnifeAngel Tue 21-Jan-20 14:14:33

You should have set an alarm. You knew when you needed to leave.

Zampa Tue 21-Jan-20 14:19:57

Yes, you could have set an alarm. But why couldn't DH have woken you earlier?

I think this is maybe a little thing which has affected you more than it would if you were well. Be grateful you've got 90 minutes of your life back and do something for you (and no-one else).

In the long term, you need to discuss responsibilities and routines with your household to ensure everyone is pulling their weight and no resentment builds.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 21-Jan-20 14:28:27

It’s work and he needed to go or be late. I think he let you have as much sleep as he thought he could but maybe thought as you knew what time to leave you would decide when was right to get up.

Urkiddingright Tue 21-Jan-20 14:31:40

I think he tried to do a nice thing letting you sleep as late as possible. He probably didn’t think it would take you so long to get ready.

Wickedwoo Tue 21-Jan-20 14:33:01


LeekMunchingSheepShagger Tue 21-Jan-20 14:33:26

I would have thought you were the one being a dick by not getting up earlier. You told him you would give him a lift and then weren’t ready in time.

Straycatstrut Tue 21-Jan-20 14:35:58

It sounds like you're rubbing each other up the wrong way OP. I wouldn't 'arrange' to do things, especially favours, until you get yourself better.

I know what it's like being so stressed you just go numb and everything refuses to work without a huge painful effort. I've had that on and off for months and it's so much worse when people dig at you like you're faking it to be lazy!

Hope you get well soon flowers

antisupermum Tue 21-Jan-20 14:36:01

You could have avoided the entire situation if you had set your own alarm/ told your DH what time you wanted to be woken up at and organised your stuff the night before. It sounds like your husband was trying to let you sleep as much as possible, likely because he knows you are having issues with your sleep pattern. What he likely didn't realise is that instead of just throwing on a coat over your PJs etc, you had made plans and needed to "get your stuff together" before dressing and leaving.

YABU by calling your husband a dick, because I can't see that he done anything dickish. YABU by not setting your own alarm or organising things the night before. On the flipside, obviously with your mental health being poor at the moment certainly explains why these things don't get achieved, and that's fine. But you can't blame others for them. Just clock it up to a shit day and take a deep breath. Happens to us all and in the grand scale of life, its not anything to stress over. flowers

gamerchick Tue 21-Jan-20 14:38:26

Did you communicate these plans to him? Did he know he was being relied on to wake you up? When I need to give husband a lift at the stupid oclocks I just put shoes and a house coat on over my PJs so I can go back to bed when I get in. He drives there to give me time to wake up type of thing. If I had plans after dropping off I would have communicated this.

Equanimitas Tue 21-Jan-20 14:44:13

Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home

I don't understand how you giving him a lift achieves this? Surely if you give him a lift then you drive the car back and he can't drive it home?

flouncyfanny Tue 21-Jan-20 14:44:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippistrelle Tue 21-Jan-20 14:44:48

Sounds like the two of you just weren't on the same page. He had certain expectations, you had others. Not particularly dickish, but maybe in the 'taking for granted' ball park. From you too perhaps?

BiscuitBarrels Tue 21-Jan-20 14:48:26

I think you are probably devoting more time and thought to this than you would have done were it not for the fact that you’re not too well at the moment.

It’s a bit of 6 of one, half a dozen of another scenario for me.

He could have been more understanding about how much of a struggle stuff like this can be when you’re already struggling with stress and depression, and woken you a bit earlier. He could have given you an extra minute to grab your leggings and top. He could have spoken to you more kindly if he really couldn’t wait for you to finish getting dressed.

You could have recognised that this morning would probably have been a treacle morning and set an alarm, or got your stuff ready last night. You could have spoken to him last night about what time you were getting up and whether you were setting an alarm or wanting him to wake you.

If all things were equal I’d say you were being unreasonable for not setting an alarm and getting up earlier. But things aren’t that way and you’re not well. Small things seem like big things at the moment. What used to be easy things will seem to be harder for a little while. So you need a bit of extra consideration and help. That being said, the stress with your teen has probably taken its toll on him too, plus concern about you, and you need to consider that too. Basically there needs to be a bit of give and take between you both while you get better.

So this is just one of things where it’s a bit of both really. You could get bogged down in “yeah, but you said this and you could have done that” with each other. Or you could both agree that the whole thing wasn’t ideal, that both of you feel a bit let down, say sorry and move on.

bigchris Tue 21-Jan-20 14:52:45

Sounds like a shit time all around

I wouldn't mention it tonight and just have a nice evening

SameOldHorrorStory Tue 21-Jan-20 14:54:17

I don't understand how you giving him a lift achieves this? Surely if you give him a lift then you drive the car back and he can't drive it home?

I read it as it’s a new company car at the husbands workplace and he needs a lift there and will drive it back home himself, though I could be wrong.

OP I think YABU too, but it’s just crossed wires and misunderstanding. Next time (if the above is correct, there shouldn’t be a next time any time soon) set your alarm to give yourself enough time or make it clear what time you want to be woken up flowers

bigchris Tue 21-Jan-20 14:54:23

Also , and I know this isn't your fault , but if you and dd have mental health issues don't underestimate how hard it will be for him to keep everything going work wise and home wise , don't forget to cut him some slack

mrsbyers Tue 21-Jan-20 14:54:30


If he has a new company car it’s that car he will drive home so only needs lift to work

IndecentFeminist Tue 21-Jan-20 14:56:32

This one is on you tbh.

m0therofdragons Tue 21-Jan-20 14:57:13

Presumably he was getting himself ready and didn't realise a grown adult would need a wake up call.

Bluntness100 Tue 21-Jan-20 14:59:46

So who is managing the house then if you don't? Is he doing it?

Why didn't you set yourself an alarm if you'd made a commitment?

PhilCornwall1 Tue 21-Jan-20 15:01:02

* I don't understand how you giving him a lift achieves this? Surely if you give him a lift then you drive the car back and he can't drive it home?*

His new company car will be at work and the OP is taking him in their own car. He will drive the company car home when he gets it today.

That's my take on it anyway

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