Morning, I know there's lots of MIL threads but I'm genuinely stuck.
We found out we were having a baby March last year. My DP has very little relationship with his mother at this point, non with his dad having been kicked out of his family home by his father at the age of 10 and subsequently raised by his nan. He discussed this with his mother in April after refusing to clean up their house while they were on holidays - his 22 year old sister had a tantrum that he refused to pick up the dog mess for her (she lives in the parents house with the dog but didn't want to do it because it was "icky").
In an apparent attempt to heal the relationship with her son she became incredibly over bearing with us - trying to redecorate our house at first - which would have been ok except she kept referring to our home as "DP's house" and telling me that my opinions don't matter. As I became more pregnant it escalated.
- I was told not to bother buying maternity clothes to just get the next size up and she had plenty of size 16 clothes that I could have.
- I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.
- She threatened to slap me (at 6 months gone) because I didn't want a baby shower (I don't agree with them, they're begging)
- She organised an intervention because one of my name choices would have been "child abuse" - I wanted to give the baby my grandfathers name as a middle name.
- She accused me of keeping the baby away from the family because I asked for 3 days just me and DP when baby arrived - she came prematurely and she was poorly, I was struggling to establish BF and just needed some space.
- My personal favourite this - when the midwife and Dr readmitted me for exhaustion when they readmitted the baby for jaundice and I had a bit of a melt down because I was so tired I thought it was my fault baby had it, they offered me a referral to perinatal mental health her response was that I "needed to get a grip of herself before they took the baby off her"
- She also told me it was my fault the baby was taken back in with Bronchiolitis because I wasn't dressing her properly (my HV told me that I was dressing her too warmly but MIL response was that HV knew nothing).
Most recent issue has been that we're keeping her from the baby - she keeps wanting to come down 7:30 at night smack in the middle of bath time and bed time. I relented last week and just cracked on doing my usual evening routine, making tea, dishes etc and let her look after the baby to which DP had a bollocking that I wasn't making her feel welcome and "wtf was her (my) problem!?". I wasn't well, Im struggling with PNA if I was that ill I shouldn't have said she could come.
Fast forward to the weekend, DP had had a shit day at work, wanted some us time but had arranged for his mother to come at 5. At half 5 she informed us that she'd be down half 6ish because she had to wait for the other grandchild to be picked up from hers. DP replied with could you come over the weekend as its a bit late then because we wanted to bath baby, put her to bed so we could sit down together and she errupted. Apparently we are stopping her from seeing the baby, trying to make her book appointments (we're not but I work from home with clients etc so its hard having people come and go when I'm teaching - we just need an approximate time).
She seems to think that she should be able to come and go as she pleases - she never came to see us pre pregnancy and we weren't allowed to her house because of the father. Every anxiety attack I've had corresponds to her shouting at us for not "doing as we're told". I feel like I've spent so much time dealing with her drama that it clouded my pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby's life - its been ruined. How can I repair this lost time with my daughter?
DP has cut MIL off - she's not happy and we're dealing with the fall out at the moment but we neither of us want the drama she brings. But the fall out is affecting us as a couple - I'm being assessed for PND now.