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To feel that my pregnancy and 4th trimester has been ruined?

(106 Posts)
WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac Tue 21-Jan-20 10:57:06

Morning, I know there's lots of MIL threads but I'm genuinely stuck.

We found out we were having a baby March last year. My DP has very little relationship with his mother at this point, non with his dad having been kicked out of his family home by his father at the age of 10 and subsequently raised by his nan. He discussed this with his mother in April after refusing to clean up their house while they were on holidays - his 22 year old sister had a tantrum that he refused to pick up the dog mess for her (she lives in the parents house with the dog but didn't want to do it because it was "icky").
In an apparent attempt to heal the relationship with her son she became incredibly over bearing with us - trying to redecorate our house at first - which would have been ok except she kept referring to our home as "DP's house" and telling me that my opinions don't matter. As I became more pregnant it escalated.
1. I was told not to bother buying maternity clothes to just get the next size up and she had plenty of size 16 clothes that I could have.
2. I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.
3. She threatened to slap me (at 6 months gone) because I didn't want a baby shower (I don't agree with them, they're begging)
4. She organised an intervention because one of my name choices would have been "child abuse" - I wanted to give the baby my grandfathers name as a middle name.
5. She accused me of keeping the baby away from the family because I asked for 3 days just me and DP when baby arrived - she came prematurely and she was poorly, I was struggling to establish BF and just needed some space.
6. My personal favourite this - when the midwife and Dr readmitted me for exhaustion when they readmitted the baby for jaundice and I had a bit of a melt down because I was so tired I thought it was my fault baby had it, they offered me a referral to perinatal mental health her response was that I "needed to get a grip of herself before they took the baby off her"
7. She also told me it was my fault the baby was taken back in with Bronchiolitis because I wasn't dressing her properly (my HV told me that I was dressing her too warmly but MIL response was that HV knew nothing).

Most recent issue has been that we're keeping her from the baby - she keeps wanting to come down 7:30 at night smack in the middle of bath time and bed time. I relented last week and just cracked on doing my usual evening routine, making tea, dishes etc and let her look after the baby to which DP had a bollocking that I wasn't making her feel welcome and "wtf was her (my) problem!?". I wasn't well, Im struggling with PNA if I was that ill I shouldn't have said she could come.
Fast forward to the weekend, DP had had a shit day at work, wanted some us time but had arranged for his mother to come at 5. At half 5 she informed us that she'd be down half 6ish because she had to wait for the other grandchild to be picked up from hers. DP replied with could you come over the weekend as its a bit late then because we wanted to bath baby, put her to bed so we could sit down together and she errupted. Apparently we are stopping her from seeing the baby, trying to make her book appointments (we're not but I work from home with clients etc so its hard having people come and go when I'm teaching - we just need an approximate time).
She seems to think that she should be able to come and go as she pleases - she never came to see us pre pregnancy and we weren't allowed to her house because of the father. Every anxiety attack I've had corresponds to her shouting at us for not "doing as we're told". I feel like I've spent so much time dealing with her drama that it clouded my pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby's life - its been ruined. How can I repair this lost time with my daughter?
DP has cut MIL off - she's not happy and we're dealing with the fall out at the moment but we neither of us want the drama she brings. But the fall out is affecting us as a couple - I'm being assessed for PND now.

Booboostwo Tue 21-Jan-20 11:02:07

Your DP has done the best thing in going NC. Make sure he sticks to it, his MIL sounds toxic.

I am sorry she has made you feel this way. I hope you manage to access some help and I hope things begin to improve for you. If you can, think positive. You have not lost time with your DD, you've always been there for her. Your time with her has not been ruined, the three of you have always been a family. I hope this becomes easier and clearer to see now that MIL's awful influence is out of the way.

Littlemissdaredevil Tue 21-Jan-20 11:02:09

Good for him. I would recommend that you stay NC.

Member984815 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:06:10

Your husband Is right . She will try to override everything you do if you let her . Take care of your own little family

sarahjconnor Tue 21-Jan-20 11:06:35

Good for him. Stick to it. Block her on everything

BeanTownNancy Tue 21-Jan-20 11:09:57

Forget the idea of "lost time" - my mum was adopted by the my nan as a baby and no daughter was closer to her mother than the two of them were. Just make sure that from this point on you don't compromise her happiness for someone who doesn't deserve it.
Plenty of "That time doesn't work for us" and putting the phone down is in order here. Visits are to end at 6pm. It is not a negotiation.

Nanny0gg Tue 21-Jan-20 11:14:19

No! No visits. No calls. No contact.

She is absolutely awful and will bring nothing to your lives except grief.

Keep her away. Permanently.

blackcat86 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:16:20

Feeling like you've failed and not lived up to the time you wanted with your DD is awful but very linked to PND and PNA (I still struggle with both and the same feelings). Taking control will help. It's taken me 17 months to get to where you are now and put a stop to PIL running the show and having their toxicity run through our family so as not to be seen as ruining their relationship with their grandchild. Remember it's not about MIL and her feelings or demands, its about you and DD. Support your DH in going NC and I bet your MH will improve to.

ActualHornist Tue 21-Jan-20 11:16:51

YANBU to feel she’s ruined it. Just one of your points would be enough for me to cut contact tbh.

Don’t engage. Don’t contact her again. She has no right to you, her son, or her granddaughter. You, however, have a right to enjoy your family and your time without being made to feel like a second class citizen.

whyayepetal Tue 21-Jan-20 11:16:55

Congratulations on your new arrival flowers. Part of being a good Mum is learning to trust your own judgement - and your lovely DP has just helped you to do this by cutting contact with his M.

Sounds like you’ll be a strong team now OP - all the very best to you both.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 21-Jan-20 11:18:47

She sounds toxic beyond measure, make sure you stick to no contact. All of those things you listed would be enough to never allow that women in my front door by themselves. Don't worry about you and your DD, you will bond and be fine

Clevererthanyou Tue 21-Jan-20 11:19:13

I’m glad your partner has cut off his mother, that kind of “relationship” is insidious and will seep into every area of your life. I had cause to do similar myself in the past and I took the advice from someone on here, I ‘grey rocked’ the abuser, no matter how badly they behaved I acted like I couldn’t see nor hear anything they did. When people were sent to me with news of what they had done I didn’t respond or reply so nothing could be reported back to her. Needless to say she got bored and quit very quickly. Seek out as much support as you can and begin to enjoy your baby now, it’s not too late brew

LadyMonicaBaddingham Tue 21-Jan-20 11:22:02

Your DP sounds pretty switched on, support him in staying NC with his toxic family however you can. Don't be dragged into their dramas and enjoy your little one. I suffered with PND/PNA and removing stressful influences judgy cow exfriend was a big turning point for me in feeling better in myself. Remember you and DP need to be 'the best team'

billy1966 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:23:28

Never ever have anything to do with her again.
For the sake of your children.
She is poisonous.

Your family need you well.

Focus on the future without drama.

Move forward without her in any way involved.

Your future will be good and your child will have a well mother.

No-one is entitled to a relationship with YOUR child beyond your husband.
End of.

💐💐💐

KatharinaRosalie Tue 21-Jan-20 11:23:42

Bloody hell, just one of those things on your list would have been enough to stop letting this toxic cow anywhere near you.

LimpidPools Tue 21-Jan-20 11:25:57

What a terrible woman. Never relent.

You will recover in time - you will have plenty more time with your daughter and the crap your MIL pulled will feel more and more distant. Especially as there won't be any more of it.

Drabarni Tue 21-Jan-20 11:25:58

I don't understand why it got as far as it did tbh, I'd have had her gone as soon as she started dictating.
Why is/was she decorating your home?
Just block her, don't answer the door, then she can't make you anxious.

Antihop Tue 21-Jan-20 11:32:03

Stay no contact, and you will feel better, I promise. You have so many years ahead to enjoy your child without this drama. flowers

RainbowAlicorn Tue 21-Jan-20 11:32:50

Go and stay NC with you MIL and make sure your DP does the same, she is toxic.
Also don't worry about lost time. I had terrible PND when my DD was born, when I look back on the time when she was a baby, I do not think of it fondly at all, it is all just a dark blur. I dont think I really enjoyed her until she was 6 months. Now she is 5 and we are really close, I adore her and she tells me lots how much she loves me, we enjoy spending time together and have fun.

Ceci03 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:39:15

try and put her out of your mind - don't let her 'spoil' any more of your precious time with the new baby. HAve you tried 'tapping'. I found it really helped when I had to go no-contact with my mother for a bit. Am LC now - low-contact - but she was in my head, and I needed to get her out. Try and stop thinking about her - your DH sounds great, and he is brave for doing this.

SabineUndine Tue 21-Jan-20 11:43:17

I would have gone NC at point 2 on your list.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 21-Jan-20 12:01:34

She has no right to see your child anyway. All this 'keeping me from the baby..' so what? She's no more entitled to see your DC than the bloke who minds the crossing, just being related isn't everything!

Your DH has done just the right thing. You are feeling awful now, but soon this will all be a distant memory. Enjoy your new baby!

carly2803 Tue 21-Jan-20 12:04:50

refreshing to read a man going NC with nasty awful parents. good for him

follow suit and no contact. You do not need this shit in your babies (and your ) life

Drum2018 Tue 21-Jan-20 12:08:47

I assume you have blocked her and any other toxic family members from your phones, social media. Don't engage with her, or anyone she tries to send round to get information or intervene for her. She's disgusting to the core to have allowed your Dh be thrown out of his home at such a young age. His father must be such a horrible man. I hope his nan gave him a good upbringing.

As for you relationship with your baby, do get some counselling to help come to terms with what this bitch has done. But today is a new day and you and your Dh can have a wonderful future with your baby. Maybe both of you could do with counselling to help reconnect. I can imagine there may have been resentment towards Dh simply because it's his mother who has being a bitch. He has taken the biggest step in trying to heal this by going NC. Hopefully you can both find a way forward and will soon have lots more positivity and fun together as a little family.

Bipbipbipbip Tue 21-Jan-20 12:10:40

So she let her husband kick out a 10yo child? She sounds like an excellent person to be giving advice on parenting hmm

NC and enjoy your baby. No one needs people like that in their lives.

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