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To be annoyed at hubby and "new girl?"

(228 Posts)
MerryPoppins86 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:20:53

Name changed for this. So hubby office shares informally with a friend when he needs to do some admin (admittedly he can't do anything at the office that he can't do at home - but not the point). A new girl started work for his friends business, 19 years old. When she started all I heard was "x is so clever, x is so funny, x is so good at her job, x has such a lovely telephone voice, x is so nice" and so on and so forth. Irked me a bit at the time but didn't say anything and didn't give it much more thought. Since she's started he's been spending more and more time there, whenever I ring him he seems to be there. Made a point of saying he seems to be there a lot and he brushed it off. Fast forward to now, he's on his phone showing me something and a message flashes up from her. I didn't even know they'd exchanged numbers. I asked to see the message thread and he reluctantly showed me, saying he shouldn't have to. It was all pretty innocent tbh but still I'm annoyed. He says they only exchanged numbers for business reasons as she helps him with some admin sometimes. However he had given his personal number and not his business number. The messages were not business related. Something feels off about it for me and he thinks I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed and it's purely innocent. Something tells me he wouldn't be creating a "friendship" with her if she wasn't a pretty, slim blonde. Thoughts please. Be kind confused

MsDogLady Fri 24-Jan-20 04:22:38

Have you spoken to your H, OP?

WaggleWiggle Wed 22-Jan-20 20:08:58

I think you are right to be cautious as they are starting to get into a pattern of cosy private non-work chats, which wouldn’t be so much of a problem if 1) it wasn’t secretive and 2) he didn’t seem to find her appealing.

I think at this point, the best thing you can do is be alert and make it clear exactly what he’d be losing if he was to cross the line.

Scootingthebreeze Wed 22-Jan-20 19:54:08

Onlythetit - you've hit the nail on the head IMO

gingersausage Wed 22-Jan-20 12:17:14

@20CMB20 it does very much depend on the young woman in question though. I’ve got a 19 year old and she’s nothing like I was at 19 (thank god! 🤣).

OnlyTheTitOfTheLangBerg Wed 22-Jan-20 10:58:00

It is very suspicious not to mention unusual to have a crush even an innocent one when you’re a married adult.

It's not at all unusual. When people marry, they don't lose the use of all of their senses, we're still capable of finding other people attractive. I've had crushes, my DH has had crushes - we joke together about our 'laminated list' of celebrity crushes a la Friends - and once or twice I've had a crush on a colleague. The important thing is how you deal with it. In my case, I love and respect my DH too much to jeopardise our relationship and so I've made sure I don't cross any lines with anyone I might find attractive, or behave in any way I would be worried about my DH witnessing or finding out about. In the case of colleagues that means no cosy chats, no crying on their shoulder, no swapping numbers and no intruding on time with their family; keeping all interactions in work and businesslike.

Nothing wrong with the OP's DH finding another woman attractive, whether she's 19, 29 or 59. Starting to act on it, cultivate a friendship, swapping in-jokes and frequent secret texting...that's a problem. You feel what you feel, but your behaviour is a choice. And he's making some wrong choices and is in danger of making worse ones.

MsDogLady Wed 22-Jan-20 04:53:29

He thinks I’m unreasonable to be annoyed...

OP, your H is dismissing your feelings and prioritizing this woman. Calling you unreasonable is a manipulation to make you shut up and back off.

This is not innocent. His boundaries have weakened for her and his behavior has changed. Look at the extreme mentionitis where he repeatedly sang her praises. Now he can hardly stay away from her workplace. They have exchanged personal numbers and their messages are not work related, as he indicated. The messages may not be sexual, but are very familiar. They have been busy developing intimacy and it is entirely inappropriate.

You would be very unwise to be passive and tentative about this. He is making a fool of you and greatly disrespecting your marriage. I would be absolutely clear about what he stands to lose. Use @Billy1966’s suggestions.

busybarbara Wed 22-Jan-20 00:43:51

Your husband is having an emotional affair with a teenage co worker. He is a creep.

Agreed. It is very suspicious not to mention unusual to have a crush even an innocent one when you’re a married adult. My DH says he hasn’t looked at another woman in that way since we got married 40 years ago and I believe him. Your husband is not with the paper his marriage certificate is written on.

Mumtotwo82 Wed 22-Jan-20 00:36:00

*shouldn't

Mumtotwo82 Wed 22-Jan-20 00:35:12

I remember when I was 19/20 girls in my work place my age or even younger would often flirt with the older men in there late 20 and 30s and they clearly enjoyed it. I remember saying to more than one of them he's married with kids you know you should do that. Their response I often got was "I know I don't care, he would be cheating not me , I'm single" I hated this kind of behaviour from both sides I think the girls where just immature the men were pathetic. I would go with reminding him it makes you feel disrespected and uncomfortable. I'd remind him you wouldn't stand for any cheating, if it happens.

Graphista Wed 22-Jan-20 00:29:48

“Pop into the office & make yourself a real person within their dynamic” won’t necessarily work but worth a try.

“My” ow was next door neighbour and supposedly also a friend of mine, she knew me very well.

So quite why she fell for all his lies regarding our relationship, well that was her choice. She’s now reaping what she’s down as he’s not remained faithful to her either.

I have it on good authority they’re both miserable, Shame!

I tend not to go for older but I too had a relationship with a 31 year old when I was 19, he was single though. It didn’t work out because he wanted to get really serious really fast where I just wanted to keep things light and fun - that might be an angle you can try with her, impress upon her all the responsibility she’d be taking on!

“Married for 8 years at 31. How long were you together before you married?” I met my exh just after the above relationship, started casual then we fell in love, married at 22. It’s not that young!

"Saw this and thought of you"

I would NOT class that as innocent!

DollyDoneMore Tue 21-Jan-20 23:46:01

I have been happily married over 20 years. I text and message colleagues out of work pretty often. Some are much younger than me. Some are close colleagues that I get on with really well. Some I fancy a bit and would be really interested in if I wasn’t married. I would never ever cheat.

Freezingold Tue 21-Jan-20 23:38:40

One messages me probably nearly every day - but there is no interest on either side romantically, we just get on well

There’s a lot of delusion out there! It comes down to power and feeling a bit powerful. It might be in small ways, a male colleagues texts,every day, feels different from a female friend - or it may be bigger like in the OP where you just take your current partner for granted so much, that you can’t even help being all infatuated in front of said partner!

Aarghhh... why do people jeopardize their marriages so easily?

GorkyMcPorky Tue 21-Jan-20 22:10:39

@Speakout Surely you want a man to stay with you because he feels lucky to be in your life, not because you have to keep him on a lead.

This

Also the word 'crush' in the context of a 30+ man's perception of a 19yo is making me queasy.

billy1966 Tue 21-Jan-20 21:59:36

This is not about colleagues and work friends. All of those are fine and definitely can be completely innocent.

The thing is, I cannot think of a single situation where a woman gets a gut, spidery feeling and has been totally wrong.

Gut feelings are so fundamental to a person that I think they deserve the utmost
respect.
The OP has a gut feeling going on.

She should listen to it very carefully and not allow herself to be sidelined by accusations of jealousy etc.

She has not felt this before, having been with this man for 8 years.

That speaks volumes.

ClientListQueen Tue 21-Jan-20 21:43:11

It's tricky. I can see both sides TBH. I chat to a couple of male colleagues when I'm not at work (online) and we often swap memes or tag each other and chat about random stuff. One messages me probably nearly every day - but there is no interest on either side romantically, we just get on well
So I might say "saw this and thought of you" but it would be in relation to something he had mentioned or some disgusting meme, nothing romantic!

CinderEmma Tue 21-Jan-20 21:35:13

From experience if something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Follow your gut.

Ughmaybenot Tue 21-Jan-20 21:26:54

Doesn’t the fact that you’ve never had an issue before prove that you’re not just being jealous and controlling and that in this instance, something is really off.

oldmcdonaldhadabarn Tue 21-Jan-20 21:19:25

I agree with crispy. That's really disrespectful, not innocent chat at all.

Plus I worry that it would go further now especially if you don't talk to him about how uneasy and disrespected it's left you feeling.

Obviously not your fault at all, but if you've seen the messages and haven't reacted, it's almost like the green light to him because he thinks you're breezy with that sort of chat and may get more flirtatious. When you're not.

Then again if he does take it further, he's not a DH worth having. thanks

MerryPoppins86 Tue 21-Jan-20 21:01:48

@Forcryingoutloudwtf of course

Forcryingoutloudwtf Tue 21-Jan-20 20:48:48

That is not the way you want a grown man to behave. It's embarrassing. Do you love him?

MerryPoppins86 Tue 21-Jan-20 20:29:10

@Freezingold that's the thing. You don't want to be naive and ignore something if your gut tells you it's off. But on the other hand I don't want to be that wife that is jealous and controlling. He's been in contact with countless women in the past with his work, nothing has ever felt off before.

Freezingold Tue 21-Jan-20 19:58:33

I agree with crispy sausage.

grin sorry the above just made me smile!

Been where you are OP. The worst thing is trying to get over the...
Am I being controlling or jealous? Feeling really demeaned but no outlet and can’t even name the wrong. It’s horrible.

My DP now Ex was always doing this. My spider senses were tingling lots. He still accuses me of not allowing him friends and being awful to him. And those women blame me for ruining their friendship. What did I do? Talk to him and say if they were really good friends we should have them around for dinner. Which of course never happened. My Ex turned out to have lots of unclear boundaries when it suited him.

One thing that often is telling. Make up a fictitious male friend from work or hobby and do similar. See if he likes it. If he doesn’t, it is because he knows what he’s doing is wrong and can see as clear as day if you did it.

20CMB20 Tue 21-Jan-20 19:30:27

Bizarre how PP refer to the 19 yr old as a 'teenager' and a 'kid'.

True: 19 is still a 'teen' number. However, there's a world of difference between a 19 yr old and a 13 yr old. Or even a 16yr old (I have teenagers myself so am not unfamiliar with them).

However, a 19 year old is a young woman. She is certainly not a 'kid'. And for all we know, she's 20 next week (shame she isn't already 20, as it would stop all this 'man lusts after teen' nonsense, as if the OP's husband were a paedophile, rather than a silly man who has probably had his head slightly turned, and who needs someone to joke him out of it).

Qwerty543 Tue 21-Jan-20 19:00:09

I'd have my suspicions. In fact I've been in a similar place. ExH had mentionitis and knew an awful lot of personal stuff about a junior colleague. Innocent messages flashed up on his tablet one day but they were very friendly. I asked him and he denied it. I asked to look at his phone and he showed me after he took it to the toilet with him. I know he deleted messages as he forgot about the logs and then admitted it but not what they said. I never found out but I always had my doubts. After I asked the mentionitis disappeared overnight which made me suspicious. I had also asked him not to tell her and it was the first thing he did. She then decided to invite us both over sometime although it never actually followed through.

After we split a couple of other things came out that he must have forgotten he hadn't told me, like she had told him she liked him etc. Also found a second phone which I suspected he got after I asked to look at his phone.

Always trust your instincts when it comes to stuff like this.

itchytits123 Tue 21-Jan-20 18:18:06

Would you feel like you had to know all the female colleagues of future partners though?

Like I said, colleagues and friends are different things.

I would only be curious if he was going to the pub with them all the time/ texting them etc. In other words, if the lines were blurred and I felt like I was being sidelined.

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