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To be annoyed at hubby and "new girl?"

(228 Posts)
MerryPoppins86 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:20:53

Name changed for this. So hubby office shares informally with a friend when he needs to do some admin (admittedly he can't do anything at the office that he can't do at home - but not the point). A new girl started work for his friends business, 19 years old. When she started all I heard was "x is so clever, x is so funny, x is so good at her job, x has such a lovely telephone voice, x is so nice" and so on and so forth. Irked me a bit at the time but didn't say anything and didn't give it much more thought. Since she's started he's been spending more and more time there, whenever I ring him he seems to be there. Made a point of saying he seems to be there a lot and he brushed it off. Fast forward to now, he's on his phone showing me something and a message flashes up from her. I didn't even know they'd exchanged numbers. I asked to see the message thread and he reluctantly showed me, saying he shouldn't have to. It was all pretty innocent tbh but still I'm annoyed. He says they only exchanged numbers for business reasons as she helps him with some admin sometimes. However he had given his personal number and not his business number. The messages were not business related. Something feels off about it for me and he thinks I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed and it's purely innocent. Something tells me he wouldn't be creating a "friendship" with her if she wasn't a pretty, slim blonde. Thoughts please. Be kind confused

Lifeisabeach09 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:55:26

Play him at his own game.
Any hot men you can chat to via text? Or mention around your husband? Work colleague, handyman, whatever.
I feel your DH needs to realise that although you are married to him, he doesn't 'have you' to the point where he can look and mention other women and you'll put up with it. Sorry if I am not making sense.

Mumbassa Mon 20-Jan-20 23:01:01

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all OP

legodisasterzone Mon 20-Jan-20 23:01:22

My daughter is 19 and I would be horrified if a 31 year old man was flirting with her.
Sorry OP, this is awful for you.

YappityYapYap Mon 20-Jan-20 23:03:50

He fancies her, she probably fancies him. They'll either chat and get bored, one of them will think it's getting too much and jump ship or it will turn into something not so innocent. I would say to your husband "what would (insert his friends name) make of you messaging his 19 year old employee on your personal phone so much? Why are you messaging each other on a personal level? You do realise that 32 year old married men don't tend to build friendships with 19 year old women and even more so when it makes their wife feel comfortable. Keep it professional, I have standards and my standards are not to be on the sidelines watching my husband indulge in some ridiculous crush with some that was a child only 3 years a go. Get it together and get a handle on things here".

Monty27 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:05:50

If it smells like a rat it probably is one

Sally872 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:06:45

You are right you can't forbid him. You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you find it disrespectful. Then he can choose how much the "friendship" means to him.

percheron67 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:07:14

Perhaps if you stopped referring to him as "hubby"?? I thought that no one under the age of ninety would use that term!

DollyDoneMore Mon 20-Jan-20 23:08:02

No-one on this thread knows what’s going on in your husband’s head, so their certainty that he fancies her/ is desperate to move things on with her is pure conjecture. Maybe she is exactly what he says she is - a lovely friendly helpful presence at work.

The only thing we can be certain of is your state of mind. You are unhappy, and a bit jealous and resentful. It’s unreasonable to tease your husband about this colleague/friend. It’s perfectly reasonable to talk seriously with him about your feelings and ask him to a) stop talking about her so much and b) consider his own feelings for her and make sure he’s not doing anything that this much younger woman might find creepy or unreasonable.

Sally872 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:08:35

@YappityYapYap completely agree.

Golightly133 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:17:02

This happened to me 3 years ago,
I still think there was more To it than he cracked on I felt like a right lemon he denied everything said it was me just getting it all wrong. But A bit of us died it will never be the same again. Trust your instinct x

Rubixcuube Mon 20-Jan-20 23:17:30

OP I feel sorry for you, what an awful situation to be in. It’s this kind of shit that give men a bad name. Disclaimer before the brigade start, yes yes I know women have affairs too yada yada yada, BUT it’s less likely that a 32 year old woman would strike up a friendship with a 19 year old ‘boys. IMO and experience women aren’t flattered in the same way men are.

It’s as you say, would he be as keen to form a friendship if she was a 45 size 20? Probably not.

Ohh I don’t even know what to suggest because if I was in the same situation I honestly think I’d divorce my DH (perhaps a bit OTT but I wouldn’t cope well knowing he’s attracted to other women to the point he’s actively putting himself in situations. It’s about respect and boundaries.

My DH is the boss of a pretty brunette always with a face full of make, great figure, right clothes to show off her great figure. Always looks immaculate. I on the other hand don’t wear make up for work cos I’d rather sleep 20 mins more 😂 and a few of the guys are all over her, getting her coffees every morning etc and it makes my husband cringe. Most of the office cringe as they’ve both got GF. DH thinks it’s because they want to be in the cool gang so you speak and to be friends with a pretty girl. (Shes 30 mind so not young) and she’s not interested in them at all, clearly, yet they text, Skype her all the time. DH gets annoyed as it’s pathetic. One of them has just bought a house with his long term GF and we always say, that’s just disrespectful. There’s no need to have numbers and be messaging out of work. DH doesn’t have their numbers. It’s just shit and how would the partner feel? If the partner is not ok with it then it’s not acceptable.

Poor you.

TheMustressMhor Mon 20-Jan-20 23:19:13

Although it's a 12 year age gap, it isn't unheard of. Prince Charles was 31 when he went out with 19 year old Diana Spencer.

I would be very worried about this, OP.

Wereallsquare Mon 20-Jan-20 23:22:41

I am sorry that you even have to be thinking of this, OP. I hope nothing is going on, but trust your gut -- it will not steer you wrong, even if your spouse wants to try to do that. thanks

pallisers Mon 20-Jan-20 23:23:49

He fancies her and she's being nice to him because he's her boss's mate

This and mentionitis. You have a problem on your hands, OP.

I have a 19 year old daughter and I wouldn't be impressed at all with her 31 year old married boss/ersatz boss texting her etc.

2020vision10 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:26:06

"Perhaps if you stopped referring to him as "hubby"?? I thought that no one under the age of ninety would use that term!"

How very helpful to OP hmm

There's always one isn't there.

Mamawingingit1234 Mon 20-Jan-20 23:34:25

Have a honest conversation with him. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Surely you as his wife would be his priority and he would end this “innocent friendship”. If not you have bigger fish to fry xx

Wearywithteens Mon 20-Jan-20 23:41:59

Nipping it in the bud is having a serious conversation along the lines of what YappityYapYap has said. In the face of any inevitable gaslighting, you need to spell out exactly what the ramifications are for his future and your marriage if he decides to indulge this little infatuation.

PixieDustt Mon 20-Jan-20 23:48:17

He fancies her. If it was strictly business he would have gave his business number not his personal number. Follow your gut instinct.

maddening Mon 20-Jan-20 23:51:15

Pose the question to him as "I don't want a reply right away but, if roles were reversed dh how would you feel? And be honest with yourself as I am not one to feel unsettled in our relationship but right now you give the impression of someone who is Risking his marriage and I do not intend to be taken for a mug. I don't want reply until the weekend so you can give it some thought. "

JasonPollack Mon 20-Jan-20 23:51:40

Point out to him that a sexual harassment settlement would be very expensive. If he is her boss she might not feel she has much choice in the "friendship" he is pursuing.

pallisers Mon 20-Jan-20 23:53:46

Perhaps if you stopped referring to him as "hubby"?? I thought that no one under the age of ninety would use that term!

You might want to ask mn admin to put this as a sticky.

If you don't refer to your husband as hubby infidelity/marital difficulty won't happen to you!

No idea why you didn't share this with the rest of us sooner though percheron67 it is a revolutionary step in human relationships.

DollyDoneMore Mon 20-Jan-20 23:56:49

“Risking his marriage”?

“Sexual harassment”?

The OP says they have sent some “all pretty innocent” texts!

Chocmallows Mon 20-Jan-20 23:59:56

I would ask him if he's stopped at flirting or if anything else has happened. If it was work he would have used his work number.

oldmcdonaldhadabarn Tue 21-Jan-20 00:01:10

YANBU. Huge alarm bells are ringing.

When you say you don't want to mention it in case it sounds obsessive. Sod that, he's being incredibly disrespectful towards you here.

If he's going to do anything, he's going to but it doesn't help to shock him into thinking shit, I could lose everything if I pursue this ridiculous fantasy.

I'd pull him up on it and remind him that he's crossing a line. How he chooses to act going forward is unfortunately outside of your control op.

Creepster Tue 21-Jan-20 00:01:49

Your husband is having an emotional affair with a teenage co worker. He is a creep.

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