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AIBU to ask this child to leave the group?

(149 Posts)
Throwawaytheatre Mon 20-Jan-20 17:56:45

I run a youth group on a voluntary basis one night a week; and I am also active in local politics.

We have a child in our group who’s mother seems to have it out for me, and I’m seriously considering asking her to leave. I already know I would be unreasonable to actually do this; but please tell me I’m not unreasonable to feel this way.

Twice after I have voted a certain way in LG meetings, that the mother didn’t agree with she has sent me massive and aggressive rants via social media.

Just before Christmas her daughter snuck alcohol into the group Xmas party. We found out about it when her sister disclosed it the following week. We followed our policy; kept a written log of the conversation and contacted home. We also got all the children together and informed them in pretty strong terms that anyone bringing alcohol on site would be asked to leave; and they had all been warned.

I then get a message saying I’ve been reported to social services for letting kids drink alcohol...

Finally, we sent a letter home with a permission slip. The letter comes back with “I’m a dumb blonde so hope I’ve signed this in the right place” and three signatures randomly across the page. None on the actual permission slip, and a PS asking me to confirm my policy on letting kids drink alcohol...

She’s just sent me another essay via her daughter’s social media accusing me of endangering children apparently because during the trip we took them on, there were four boys and one girl in one of the cars - I’ve blocked that account as well (I wasn’t friends with her on the platform) but I so wanted to reply asking why she still sends her daughter to the youth group if she’s so worried!

This is a rant, this isn’t the right forum and this is probably also outing but I don’t care. I work a stressful full time job which often requires me to work outside of office hours, and have suffered with on and off depression since I was sixteen. I have attempted suicide three times in the last ten years. I feel like I try to do what I can with my local community - helping with groups and charities and whatever and right now I just want to scream and pack it all in and tell them all to go duck themselves.

Sorry for my rant

mbosnz Mon 20-Jan-20 17:59:02

I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all.

The girl has already broken the rules, the mother is threatening and abusive.

XXBeckiXX Mon 20-Jan-20 18:01:29

I think you would be totally within your rights to no longer allow this girl to attend the group. No body has to deal with that sort of behaviour especially when you are doing it unpaid for the good of the community. Why should other kids lose out on your good will just because one kid and her mother are making it miserable and impossible. Ban and block. If the harassment continues, make a complaint with the police

katy1213 Mon 20-Jan-20 18:02:53

I'd just send a firm letter saying that in view of her daughter's behaviour, she is no longer welcome. But be prepared for a social media backlash from the mother. Keep her blocked and don't let her upset you! It's an occupational hazard of local politics.

2020BetterBeBetter Mon 20-Jan-20 18:03:50

I’d remove the girl from the group and say it’s because of her mother’s behaviour.

LIZS Mon 20-Jan-20 18:03:51

You need a behaviour and discipline policy, and to follow it.

ellendegeneres Mon 20-Jan-20 18:05:45

Yeah she broke rules so is banned.
Fuck the stupid mother, as you say she makes no sense, if she’s so concerned why does she keep sending her? Oh! That’s right. Free childcare.

I’d have hit the roof if one of my dcs took alcohol anywhere

AlunWynsKnee Mon 20-Jan-20 18:07:37

I'd send out a letter to every child who attends the groups about treating staff with respect as they are volunteers. And add in that this attends to the parents or carers of the children. Any breach of it may result in the child being asked to leave.

cheeseisascheesedoes Mon 20-Jan-20 18:09:52

Who the overall manager of the group / service? You need to get them involved to throw the proverbial book at that god-awful mother!

TimeTravellersHat Mon 20-Jan-20 18:11:37

I’d send a letter home explaining that due to her harassment her children are no longer able to attend the group.

You are a volunteer - that does not mean this loon ball (or anyone else for that matter) has the right to harass you.

If it all kicks off stand your ground. Do not allow her to get away with this!

Smelborp Mon 20-Jan-20 18:14:54

Absolutely I’d ask them to leave.

Throwawaytheatre Mon 20-Jan-20 18:16:36

@cheeseisascheesedoes it’s only a small youth group; not part of any formal organisation. We’re related to a hobby - think a table tennis (it’s not that) club or the like. Me and a friend run it. I work in education and my friend works as a professional “table tennis player”

Longwhiskers14 Mon 20-Jan-20 18:17:05

Before you throw the daughter out for good (which you should), I would do as katy1213 recommends and send a letter to all parents reminding them that abusive and threatening behaviour towards volunteers by parents could result in their child being banned from the group. Then send another letter saying that her daughter broke the rules and put other youngsters at risk bringing alcohol against the rules and she needs to leave. When the mum kicks off, bring the policy outlined in letter #1 into play. Both got rid off, all above board, job done.

Throwawaytheatre Mon 20-Jan-20 18:17:53

My big question is - if she honestly feels our safeguarding is inadequate why send your child to our group? Surely that’s neglectful parenting!

MargeryB Mon 20-Jan-20 18:20:07

Yanbu but you are going to have to follow a policy to get her out or you'll look mean (unjustly). I'd do as another poster suggested and update policy that behaviour extends to the patent, await the next rant, then ban.

Gazelda Mon 20-Jan-20 18:20:12

She sounds like a cow, determined to cause trouble.
I would send a letter to all parents as Alinwunsknee suggested.
But I'd also be making sure all your policies and procedures are up to date and adequate. Do you have insurance? Do you follow DBS procedures? Do you have a safeguarding policy etc.

Throwawaytheatre Mon 20-Jan-20 18:22:05


We have a full safeguarding policy, both me and my friend are DBS checked via the update service, we have liability insurance.

BaolFan Mon 20-Jan-20 18:22:41

As PP have suggested, send a letter telling parents that the group is run by volunteers, and that there is zero tolerance of abusive and threatening behaviour. A list of rules for behaviour and conduct should be attached and the letter should make it clear that abuse and/or breaches in conduct will result in membership being terminated.

Then wait for madam to send one of her ill informed rants - you can respond by terminating her child's membership and in the letter make it clear that any follow-up in threatening behaviour will result in contact with the police.

riotlady Mon 20-Jan-20 18:23:33

God yes, why would you even think about letting her stay?

Gazelda Mon 20-Jan-20 18:24:07

You sound like a real asset to your community. Send the letter to give her one more chance. Then take firm action the second she crosses the line. Don't let her spoil something you seem to enjoy and that benefits other young people.

june2007 Mon 20-Jan-20 18:25:22

I think you taking you anger of the parent out on the child. Sounds like this is the type of child who could benefit from a club and a good rolemodel. The alcohol thing was wrong and give her a warning, cann,t use that now as an excuse not to have her it,s too late.

ChikiTIKI Mon 20-Jan-20 18:25:45

I agree, send the letter about harassment not being tolerated and then the next time the mum does something, just send a letter saying her children are not in the club any more.

puds11 Mon 20-Jan-20 18:26:17

If you don’t already, write a zero tolerance to staff abuse policy and send it out. Next time she kicks off, straight out.

Or if you already have a policy about alcohol, tell the daughter to leave.

ChikiTIKI Mon 20-Jan-20 18:27:28

It is a shame for the children but you shouldn't put up with the abuse.

goldenorbspider Mon 20-Jan-20 18:29:32

Such a shame she doesn't appreciate the work you do.

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