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To apologise to someone I don't know 15 years later

(75 Posts)
Pondlife87 Mon 20-Jan-20 11:08:57

When I was 18 I was deeply insecure and had undiagnosed depression.
I had a boyfriend who I broke up with and he got a new girlfriend.
I was horrible to her. Granted she gave as good as she got, but I started it and I was truly psycho.
As an adult (15 years later) I still feel ashamed and bad about it, as i would never treat anybody that way now. It crops up in my mind a couple of times a year.
Would it be totally unreasonable for me to reach out and apologise via social media, and admit to her i know I was being a psycho and Was unfairly awful to her. Or should I just leave it?

FagAsh Mon 20-Jan-20 11:10:38

Apologies are always appreciated I think

aroundtheworldyet Mon 20-Jan-20 11:12:51

Just leave it.

PumpkinP Mon 20-Jan-20 11:14:00

Please don’t!

Sparkle567 Mon 20-Jan-20 11:14:04

Can’t see what harm it would do. Just be prepared for her to tell you to get lost still.

judithandholofernes Mon 20-Jan-20 11:14:30

If it plays on your mind and you won’t look insane by contacting her now then I would.
But don’t word the message like you want a response or to be forgiven. Say what you need to say, apologise and move on

TreacherousPissFlap Mon 20-Jan-20 11:14:32

I agree with fagash I think.

Unless of course shes now a psycho grin

Cryingoverspilttea Mon 20-Jan-20 11:14:33

I'd think you were even more mental for contacting me tbh.

Hoik Mon 20-Jan-20 11:15:07

Leave it, it's all in the past now and no sense taking it back up with her. Theres a chance she would reply telling you where to stick it in which case how would you feel?

You could always write out your apology in a letter so it's out of your head but not post it.

Sweetdreamer93 Mon 20-Jan-20 11:16:27

What are you looking for?
Is it forgiveness? Or do you genuinely just want to offload and let her know you acknowledge your behaviour was wrong?

If you do go ahead, you have to be prepared that forgiveness make not come to you.
You can forgive yourself if that is your need.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Mon 20-Jan-20 11:16:41

I might message her if you are able to accept any of the following

A) no reply
B) "who are you?" style reply
C) "fuck off" style reply

She may also go for D that would be a sympathetic, thank you and it means a lot that you recognise your part, I'm sorry for engaging, we were young and stupid. But that might be less likely.

WorraLiberty Mon 20-Jan-20 11:17:13

Leave it

She might think you're just as 'psycho' now, as in her mind at least, you may come across as 'stalkerish' IYSWIM?

Plus, it's a teensy bit selfish because you'd be doing it to make you feel better.

DramaAlpaca Mon 20-Jan-20 11:17:30

Don't do it. Do what Hoik suggests, write out an apology to her but don't send it, burn it. It'll clear it out of your head. Then let it go.

SquareAsABlock Mon 20-Jan-20 11:17:42

I wouldn't. I was horribly bullied when I was a teen, and in return I was probably not very nice to a few people myself. However, that was a lifetime ago and ultimately apologise are more for yourself than for the person you caused harm to. If it was just a typical teenage spat, I can't see how any good will come from it, other than making yourself feel better for 'reaching out'.

KidLorneRoll Mon 20-Jan-20 11:20:36

It was 15 years ago. What good do you think it will do other than making you feel better? At best it will get ignored or you'll be rightly told to fuck off, at worst you'll be reminding a person of a time they would probably rather forget.

BiscuitBarrels Mon 20-Jan-20 11:24:40

It was 15 years ago. There is a good chance that apologising now will reinforce the psycho perception, frankly.

Leave it.

toomanyleggings Mon 20-Jan-20 11:29:03

No just send her good vibes and hope for the best

Skysblue Mon 20-Jan-20 11:30:19

The kindest thing you can do is let her never hear from you again.

Reaching out after all this time will bring back bad memories for her and is a bit stalker-ish. Any apology would be for your benefit not hers.

LET. IT. GO. MOVE ON.

inwood Mon 20-Jan-20 11:31:28

No way, let it go and move on.

alifelived Mon 20-Jan-20 11:32:59

Yikes

Leave it well alone OP.

ForeverBaffled Mon 20-Jan-20 11:33:02

I think let it go. I empathise as I once treated someone at uni unkindly (less actively horrible but I stood back and let people treat her badly for my own gains) and 15 years later contacted her to apologise. She barely remembered who I was and it was all a bit odd. I was looking for forgiveness from someone that ultimately I meant nothing to. That was a lot to get my head around. Leave her be and try to forgive yourself instead.

EnidBlyton Mon 20-Jan-20 11:34:06

i wouldnt op

KatyCarrCan Mon 20-Jan-20 11:37:02

You need to do something to make your peace with it but that doesn't involve intruding into her life. For example: make a donation to a bullying charity; write her a letter but burn it rather than post it.
You're wallowing slightly rather than moving on. You need to turn it into both a learning moment and a positive.

PenelopeFlintstone Mon 20-Jan-20 11:37:03

If I got a message like that, I’d think it was nice.

allthesharks Mon 20-Jan-20 11:38:25

I think after 15 years I'd leave it. If it were just a few years then I'd maybe think differently. Someone I was friends with in my teens was once unkind to me, along with a group of friends. He wasn't really awful to be honest, just didn't stick up for me when his friends were bullying me and laughed along with them instead. Around 4/5 years later he sent me a message on Facebook apologising and I did appreciate it. But 15 years is a long time. She probably doesn't remember.

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