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Police allegation

(242 Posts)
Becauseiam Mon 20-Jan-20 00:02:36

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

zenasfuck Mon 20-Jan-20 00:03:54

Believe your child?

JKScot4 Mon 20-Jan-20 00:05:33

What exactly has been said and happened? your post is worded very oddly.
Others don’t think kindly of him?
I really can’t make sense of this.

seastargirl Mon 20-Jan-20 00:05:58

You back and support your child. Whether the allegations are true or not your child needs you now!

Clymene Mon 20-Jan-20 00:07:45

You whole post is about you husband. You should be concerned about your child first and foremost.

Nondescriptname Mon 20-Jan-20 00:08:17

Even if DH didn't do this, it soun6d like he's been making everyone's life miserable.
I think he needs to remove himself from the family home, and you need to try to understand your child and their reasons for saying this (keeping an open mind to whether it might be true).

BertNErnie Mon 20-Jan-20 00:09:54

I think right now you have no option but to believe your child, regardless of what you 'think' happened. Your husband needs to leave the home immediately and stay elsewhere whilst this is investigated.

The police have officers who are specially trained and will be sensitive to your child and their needs. They will be able to support your child through this process but right now your child needs you to believe them 110% and understand that you are behind them no matter what. I am sure the police and social care will be able to ascertain if the abuse has indeed taken place as your child says it has, but right now, you need to believe your child until you find out otherwise.

If you are not able to prove you can safeguard your child you will be at the risk of losing them. YOU need to be the protective factor and not believing them doesn't show you are right now.

I wish you all the best.

Smellbellina Mon 20-Jan-20 00:10:10

Whether sexual abuse has happened or not the one thing that is very clear from your OP is that you need to choose, right now, between your husband and your children.

stillawakeat4amagain Mon 20-Jan-20 00:11:19

Child coklomes first you can't know your husband wouldn't do it most of the women who believe their husbands didn't do something like this their husbands are then found guilty. Don't push your child away believe them

stillawakeat4amagain Mon 20-Jan-20 00:11:41


Fiveletters Mon 20-Jan-20 00:14:14

You need to support your children.

Oksunny Mon 20-Jan-20 00:14:57

Am baffled as to why this thread is about your husbands well being & not your child’s who's made the allegation to be honest.

Don’t ever not believe them, until proven otherwise.

HopefullyAnonymous Mon 20-Jan-20 00:16:11

My stepfather abused me. My mum didn’t believe me either.

Our relationship will never recover and that lack of trust/belief has ruined my life.

CloudonLegs Mon 20-Jan-20 00:16:20

You need to support your child. Even if you are right and your child is lying, imagine the terrible place they're in to do that and think about the reasons why they may have done it. Whether they're telling the truth or lying, they need you.

WingingItSince1973 Mon 20-Jan-20 00:19:12

Please take your childs allegations seriously. Even if they turn out false, your child will have seen you would always put them first and be their advocate. I wasnt believed by my mother despite the evidence and it affected me almost more than the abuse for years to come. This must be an absolutely horrific time for you as of course you love your husband, but your child needs to come first in this instance which if innocent your husband would hopefully agree. Children can be abused while the family are in the next room. Its very possible. Why would your child make this up? I really hope they are getting all the support they need xxx

nocoolnamesleft Mon 20-Jan-20 00:23:21

So, two possibilities.
1)Your child has been sexual abused by your husband. Your child desperately needs your support and belief.
2)Your child is so desperately unhappy that they have falsely claimed to have been sexually abused by your husband. Your child desperately needs your help.

But your post is all about your husband. Where is your child in this?

foamrolling Mon 20-Jan-20 00:24:21

What is your reason to believe it didn't happen? Given that nobody else thinks very highly of your husband? You handle this by believing your child and putting them first.

Purpleartichoke Mon 20-Jan-20 00:24:59

Right now, the two of you agree that you have to put the children first. He needs to live somewhere else for now. You need to cooperate with the investigation. You tell social services you would like to access therapy for every individual in the family and follow their recommendations for doing so.

It’s possible this will play out how you expect, that the child has made up a story. I’ve seen it happen. But in the mean time, you absolutely must keep your husband and children separate and keep an open mind.

Becauseiam Mon 20-Jan-20 00:27:37

The child is older and moved out. These allegations are from the past. Some of the circumstances the child has explained, which is essential to the description, I know didn't happen. I can't be sure, I know - ever, that it didn't happen in some way.
All of the replies really help, thank you. I'm trying to wrap my head around it all.

crustycrab Mon 20-Jan-20 00:27:59

What? Everyone believes your child except you? Poor kid 😕

Becauseiam Mon 20-Jan-20 00:29:58

Crustycrab - No, I haven't spoken to anyone who believes he did it.

SisterAgatha Mon 20-Jan-20 00:32:50

Oh dear. Your reaction has been awful. I hope you can salvage your relationship with your child after the way you’ve dismissed their feelings and concentrated on your husband.

SisterAgatha Mon 20-Jan-20 00:33:21

No, I haven't spoken to anyone who believes he did it.

Except your OWN CHILD

PegasusReturns Mon 20-Jan-20 00:34:35

You should believe your child.

Even if this particular allegation wasn’t true you know that your DH has treated your DC badly sad

Becauseiam Mon 20-Jan-20 00:34:52

Sisteragatha - I have only just found out, the police told me, not the child. I haven't reacted at all yet.

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