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AIBU?

To keep dc off school tomorrow..

25 replies

FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 21:12

More of a wwyd but couldn't find the thread. I have decided to keep dd 9 off school tomorrow due to safety concerns that I have about another boy, in light of what she has said, only until a meeting and action has been taken but will break it down here.

There is a boy who has been infatuated with my dd since last year when she was in p4 and him p3, now p5 and p4. It has all been very cute and innocent where they have played together during breaks but his attentions have increased. He has asked her out innocently but she has refused or ignored as she isn't interested in boys. This previous week he wrote her a note asking to get married when they are older. Cute I thought but she wasn't ready to respond yet( a no). Forget to mention both my dd and this boy are sen which might clarify a little why I am worried. She told me in the middle of the week that he has been kissing her hand and pecking her on the head when in the playground, which she doesn't like so we wrote back on his love note no thanks and lets be friends.
Here is where it goes overboard in my book, he asked my dd if she wanted to learn about sex, when she said no he proceeded to play with a banana and pretend it was a child having sex with a pole(maybe imaginary person Who knows).

I just feel he isn't accepting that she just wants to be friends and he is too focused on her. Kissing her when she doesn't ask for it is invading her personal space and the sex thing is alarming to me. As I have no idea what his intentions were and where this is going. He is only just 8 and I am concerned why he even knows or wants to talk about it. He towers over my dd even though she is 10 this year.

The school consider my dd to be a vulnerable person so I am hoping that they will see my point of view. I don't want to send her in to school where he can access her without this first being dealt with. I can't expect them to keep them separated 100% but I feel they need to put something in place that will help protect my dd and deal with him in appropriate way. My dd is quite passive and people pleasing which we are working on but this isn't her problem to deal with at this point imo.

Wwyd.

OP posts:
ioioitsoff · 19/01/2020 21:14

What will have changed by tomorrow night that will mean you feel able to send her to school on Tuesday ?

formerbabe · 19/01/2020 21:15

I'd be in the heads office first thing tomorrow morning demanding assurances that she'll be safeguarded before I'd allow her back.

manicinsomniac · 19/01/2020 21:18

I get you're worried but I don't think that is a valid reason for not attending school, no.

I would go in with her in the morning and ask for one or both children to be 'tagged' at break time. Or for one of them to stay inside at break time. In the classroom they can't come to any harm (if they're even in the same class?)

If that request is refused and the school won't take satisfactory steps to help you then that would be the point where I would stop wanting to send my child to school. But not till then.

happytoday73 · 19/01/2020 21:18

This would worry me too. It has moved on from a bit of childish infatuation and needs dealing with.

He is overly informed for an 8 year old. This will raise alarm bells at school.

When is the meeting? You could ask for them to be kept apart till meeting (if they won't I would keep her off stating her safety as the reason)

manicinsomniac · 19/01/2020 21:19

tagged/kept in until they have investigated and sorted the situation, that is. Not permanently!

FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 21:20

ioioitsoff I am fully prepared to keep her off until I feel or know it has been dealt with, Tomorrow is just the start point. I plan to call in an ask for a meeting detailing that I have concerns for her safety so they can gather the correct people for the meeting.

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ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 19/01/2020 21:22

I’m not sure if I’ve missed it but, have you spoken to the school about this at all? My son has SEN and goes to a special school. If he was involved with any kind of unwanted touching of any kind, I would be talking to his teacher. Not necessarily in a confrontational way just a “X has said that so and so keeps touching his hair and he doesn’t like it but is struggling to make himself understood” and the teacher will and previously has, stepped in and sorted it out.

I don’t see the point in keeping my child off school without giving them the chance to deal with it as all it does is postpone the problem from rearing it’s head rather than dealing with it.

ioioitsoff · 19/01/2020 21:22

I'd be in the heads office first thing tomorrow morning demanding assurances that she'll be safeguarded before I'd allow her back.

Good luck, I hope it goes well.

ginswinger · 19/01/2020 21:23

I am not expert but I would have great concerns about the other child acting out a sexual scenario at 8yo. I think this needs more examination for his sake than anyone else's

yellowallpaper · 19/01/2020 21:24

What formerbaby says precisely

Canadianpancake · 19/01/2020 21:27

I think it's important for a plan to be formulated regarding how to support both of the children in dealing with this, and obviously the main priority of this plan is to keep your DD safe. For that to happen the school need to be fully informed of what has been happening, your concerns and your DDs concerns, so that staff can be informed and the appropriate label of vigilance is used. So yes, call school in the morning and ask to speak to the head, briefly explain why DD is not in school and ask for a meeting. I'm sure they will understand your concerns and respond appropriately to a safeguarding issue such as this.

FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 21:31

ImNotACuntYoureACunt this is a regular school so there probably isn't as much supervision as your dc would get. Both mine and this boy are considered high functioning so they don't necessarily need watching. This past week has been a drip, we dealt with the kissing by making sure to respond to his love letter, I only feel the school should get involved once the sex thing got brought up and if the kissing continued after receiving the letter. There hasn't been a lot of time between incidences and the sex chat came out friday evening after school.

I can see your point re making her attend regardless but I want them to have the full picture before letting her in as they might not take it seriously enough until they do.

If I can get a meeting tomorrow it may be that she goes in the 2nd half of the day at least.

Just to be clear they are not in the same class, he is younger by a year and a bit.

OP posts:
Chochito · 19/01/2020 21:33

You need to tell the school everything that has gone on, if you haven't already, OP.

I think YANBU to keep your DD at home, but I would not tell her the reason why.

FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 21:34

ginswinger I agree completely that it is a concern for him too. My priority is dd but I can see that there must be something wrong going on on his side and the school can take action for his sake too.

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Scrumptiousbears · 19/01/2020 21:40

I wouldn't keep them off. I'd have a word with the teacher at drop off and go from there. I've had to do it twice and both times they dealt with it very well.

Hepsibar · 19/01/2020 22:01

I think you do need to "go in" to school and speak to the Headteacher or Deputy first thing tomorrow so no more playtimes or lunchtimes are impacted.

I see he is not in her class so even though he is behaving very oddly indeed and may have some unusual issues at home beit watching inapprop films or elder siblings oversharing etc ... I would send her into school but make sure they understand what your expectations are ... in terms of having someone watch and supervise playtimes and be ready to intervene and to keep your informed over the following month over any issues during these times ... what action they then take with this other child re Social Services etc you will not be party to but as long as it stops for your daughter and you are informed.

CloudyVanilla · 19/01/2020 22:04

I would absolutely keep my DD off. I had a similar experience at primary school although I am not SN, neither was the boy and the ages were reversed but almost exactly the same (I was around 7 - 8 and he was older).

It escalated quite badly and I have never told anyone but my partner. I don't underestimate childrens ability to be I appropriate and even if they don't mean harm it can be long term damaging.

Make sure you don't put her in a vulnerable position and sorry this is a worry for you Flowers I would definitely ensure that at the very least I was making sure as previous posters have said, that she is kept away from this boy at break and lunch until a resolution is found. But what is a resolution realistically?

JeffreysWorkTrousers · 19/01/2020 22:14

If you can email the school now then do so, label it safeguarding in the subject field. My friend did this on a Sunday night following her child coming home from a residential and had a reply by 7am on the Monday asking her to come in.

I would outline why you are coming in that you have concerns over the attentions of a boy toward your DD and inappropriate behaviour from him.

Then first thing you need to ask for a meeting with the Designated Safeguard Lead who possibly isn't the head teacher. It should tell you on your school's website under "policies" and then usually child protection or safeguarding who the DSL is and the deptuty.

You may or may not wish SENDCo to be in there too. As both children have SEN then it is in your interest although due to their duties they may not be able to drop everything. A DSL or deputy should be able to prioritise you.

You are not over-reacting. I have done safeguarding training and volunteer in a primary.

FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 22:49

JeffreysWorkTrousers thank you for that, I have checked now and I haven't been able to find anything on DSL but I will email them now so they can have some kind of heads up before the school hours kick in.

Thank you for saying I am not over reacting. Tbh at first I was initially under reacting and I was going to just have a word with a teacher but stewing on it over the weekend has made my concerns more solid and feel it needs a lot more attention than just a passing word.

Pp poster asked what can they really do. Initially they can keep them separate or with more supervision if not, and in the longterm work with both dc on this and any other issues. My dc is meant to have social stories/lessons and extra curricular work to help her know how to be independent. I imagine they could work on her building her boundaries and asserting herself more through that. With relation to the boy, that is their shout and they will have their own processes to deal with that so I am not concerned with him in as far as I can understand he is also vulnerable and misguided but ultimately dangerous for my dd and potentially other children.

In the simplest terms, I am distressed and worried at the idea that something could happen that will negatively impact my dd potentially for life, when these behaviors could be nipped in the bud now. Also that her boundaries being constantly overstepped now will only erode them further if she doesn't see this being challenged/addressed.

Thank you all for your responses, I have rarely posted my own threads but I really needed to sound this out.Flowers

OP posts:
JeffreysWorkTrousers · 19/01/2020 22:55

@FlorencesHunger I am surprised there is nothing on their website, it is pretty standard to publish policies but maybe it is different in Scotland.

I think once school is aware then they can put measures in place to keep them apart and deal with each child appropriately.

I will tell you that we actively encourage children to keep their hands to themselves, that includes hugging once they get into KS2 which is age 7+. We talk about speaking up if you don't like something as well. It is such a shame your DD has experienced this but once school know they should be very proactive.

cabbageking · 19/01/2020 23:03

Leave an email tonight as suggested with the title safeguarding but add Peer or Peer abuse. to it.

cabbageking · 19/01/2020 23:04

peer on peer not peer or peer

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FlorencesHunger · 19/01/2020 23:09

I think they will step up, there have been incidences in the past that weren't taken seriously imo but I have been surprised more recently when they have come down hard on a child who was beginning to be disablist/bullying my dc. Much harder than I expected. I am sure it will work out in the long run re this as it is too important to ignore.

An issue with dd is she internalise a lot and sometimes it can be weeks after an event has taken place before she will say anything and it has eaten her up inside so much it comes out but too late to deal with. So I am thankful it came out sooner, the school do have a very positive ethos and they really do try make school as positive as it can be for her. Anyway I am digressing.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 20/01/2020 19:51

Hope today was productive...

FlorencesHunger · 20/01/2020 20:21

Hi yes I should update, I emailed them last night as advised here and they called me to arrange a meeting this morning. They appear to have taken my concerns seriously and will arrange for playground staff to keep a serious eye on her during break times and make sure she doesn't go to places in the playground that are quite secluded. she has also been given extra allowance to go inside during breaks on days where they arrange indoor play sessions for other classes other than her class days, if that makes sense. Means she can seek a safe place indoors at anytime if need be. There is only so much they can do for her side but I am thankful they have listened, hopefully they can help the boy too.

Funnily when I was waiting for the meeting there was a sign about who are the designated people for safeguarding, I hadn't noticed it before.

Thank you all for hearing me out even if I wasn't being unreasonable I felt my emotions riding high so needed to check myself.

OP posts:
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