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AIBU to want my husband to have different hobbies?

(98 Posts)
BeepOpsiePie Sun 19-Jan-20 13:36:40

His hobby is programming. He spends all his spare moments researching and coding. I feel like solving computer problems is the only thing that truly excites him in life and he doesn't seem to be as excited about the time we spend together as a family or couple.

I suppose the actual hobby is relevant, you could substitute in any pastime really - video gaming, tinkering, Facebooking, whatever. Although it does seem relevant to me that it's a screen-based hobby, they seem to be so all-consuming compared to other things like DIY or crafts, and so accessible as you can easily fire it up any time, anywhere that you can bring a laptop with you.

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it. I don't know exactly why it bugs me so much but I think it's partly jealousy that he has such an intense interest in it, an interest I would rather him take in us as his family instead, or even just something a bit more tangible that we can all see. If he did the same hobby but otherwise seemed balanced I wouldn't mind so much.

I don't know, maybe it's me that just needs to be a bit more understanding - I don't have anything I'm that obsessed with so maybe I just can't empathise.

SoupDragon Sun 19-Jan-20 13:38:40

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it

That's because you are trying to control his hobbies confused

SoupDragon Sun 19-Jan-20 13:40:55

If you think DIY or crafts are not time consuming, you are badly mistaken!

Anyway, your issue seems to be more that you want to do something as a family so find some kind of "hobby" you can all do together as family time.p rather than expecting him to just ditch what his doing for some vague "more family time" reason or because you don't like his choice of hobby.

Sally872 Sun 19-Jan-20 13:42:00

If he is spending so much time on it that he isnt pulling his weight for family stuff/work then you can be disappointed that he is not doing his share. If he is doing his share then yabvu.

DoTheNextRightThing Sun 19-Jan-20 13:42:37

YABU. If he enjoys coding, let him code. At least it's a hobby he can do at home rather than disappearing off somewhere else all day.

NameChangeNugget Sun 19-Jan-20 13:43:05

You sound very controlling

easyandy101 Sun 19-Jan-20 13:47:00

Maybe he could get into cycling

Then you could all sit round and coo at his strava and take turns shaving his legs

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 19-Jan-20 13:48:46

* DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it*

I agree with him.

You don't get to decide what hobbies are worthwhile...

If he's not pulling his weight, that's a different matter. If you'd just rather he had a hobby that you felt more acceptable; or that his hobby was somehow your family, that's not on.

midnightmisssuki Sun 19-Jan-20 13:49:03

But ermmmm - you are being very controlling in trying to control his hobbies. Maybe find your own hobby and not control what he can and cannot do.

sweeneytoddsrazor Sun 19-Jan-20 13:50:45

So if he took up cycling and went out all day you would be happy?
I think you are wanting him to either spend less time on his hobby, which is fair enough IF he doesn't do any family things, do a hobby the whole family can enjoy or jot do any hobby. The last 2 aren't reasonable and would be controlling.

TheMustressMhor Sun 19-Jan-20 13:51:49

Oh dear.

You're not going to get any support her, OP.

FWIW I agree with you.

motherheroic Sun 19-Jan-20 13:53:42

Crafts are absolutely time consuming though. You can easily spend days/months on something like embroidery or knitting once you become advanced enough to work on large pieces.

BeepOpsiePie Sun 19-Jan-20 13:55:27

Okay, thanks. I can see that I'm probably in the wrong.

I can't work out my own feelings about it TBH I just don't know what it actually is that bothers me so much about this hobby and the time spent on it. It's not like I have any worthwhile/meaningful hobbies so I'm not claiming superiority.

sweeneytoddsrazor Sun 19-Jan-20 13:57:01

Of course the OP will get support. There are always loads of supporting threads that say men should scale back all consuming hobbies for family. What there isnt going to be support for is the OP deciding what sort of hobby her DH is allowed to do. That is the difference.

MGC31 Sun 19-Jan-20 14:00:03

Why don’t you try and find yourself a hobby?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 19-Jan-20 14:00:30

Is it what he’s doing or how much time he’s doing it?

JKScot4 Sun 19-Jan-20 14:02:15

Is he work, hobby, sleep?
Does he help with DC, housework etc?

Shoxfordian Sun 19-Jan-20 14:02:43

Is he still doing things with you?

Selfsettling3 Sun 19-Jan-20 14:02:56

You are being controlling. Is the issue the amount of time he is spending on it? Or that you want him to spend more time with him?

My DH turned his coding hobby into his job and he now earns a lot more.

BeepOpsiePie Sun 19-Jan-20 14:09:17

He works in tech too, and I guess partly I feel like he's doing something very similar to his job and I would like to see him having more variety in his life than 9hrs in a desk chair, a couple of hours off for dinner and kids bedtime, then 3-5 more hours in a desk chair. I find that depressing. I would like to see him doing something else. But I know that's not my choice.

Cordylina Sun 19-Jan-20 14:10:30

Is the issue coding or is it that you feel he’s not involved/invested in family life and that all his passion, energy and attention goes into his hobby?

Naijamama Sun 19-Jan-20 14:11:07

Op, were you raised to believe you were 'wasting the day' if you weren't physically outside doing something? I was, and as a result, I can't seem to shake off feeling like spending a day off at home is somehow a bit of a crime. Surely I should be out 'doing.' It's a difficult thing to shake off, but my husband who wasn't raised with that mentality, feels a day resting at home is a good use of time if that's what he feels like. It's taken me ages to accept that sometimes him and the kids just don't fancy going out somewhere every day. Although mostly they're ready to 'do' again after one day at home if that makes sense.

I just wonder if you feel that because coding doesn't involve getting out as such, it's somehow just being lazy at home, and not a proper activity.

I feel like you might not be doing this to be controlling, just raised to believe that unless it's outside and physical, it's somehow lazy.

Cordylina Sun 19-Jan-20 14:12:14

X posts.

If that’s his interest then that’s his business not yours. If he’s removing himself from family life and emotionally unavailable because he’s spending all his time at home with his nose glued to a screen, that is your business.

Mandarinfish Sun 19-Jan-20 14:13:49

YANBU if you think he spends too long on his hobby in general and want him to spend more time with you and the DC.

YABU if you'd be happy for him to spend this time on a different hobby.

easyandy101 Sun 19-Jan-20 14:16:24

Why is everyone trying to paint it as too much time on hobby?

Address the OP issues rather than fabricating them

She's posted twice, said nothing about it being excessive, just that she wants him to do something she would prefer

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