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Sister living at our flat

(236 Posts)
user1464279374 Sun 19-Jan-20 04:09:35

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

Weenurse Sun 19-Jan-20 04:13:35

Time to tell her to move out.
You need to get room ready for baby

Purpleartichoke Sun 19-Jan-20 04:13:44

Do you really believe she has any plans to move out before new baby arrives?

I would address it now and set a move out date.

LucaFritz Sun 19-Jan-20 04:14:04

Make her leave she is clearly taking the piss

Sillyscrabblegames Sun 19-Jan-20 04:18:46

She is behaving really badly. Why are you putting her above your husband and your family unit? It's really unfair on your little family.
Time to let her know she needs to move forward as you are preparing for the new baby. She might get stroppy but that is a reflection on her and not you and she will get over it.
Be careful not to get into the realms of explaining too many reasons why... She will simply offer solutions to your reasons and talk you out of it!
Good luck!

Hustssleeping Sun 19-Jan-20 04:19:33

Talk to her about an end date now. Start with 'before the baby arrives' so she knows you're not talking about the due date!
She is totally taking the piss which is the problem with family- but your husband is right to be fed up (as are you). The 4am thing would be the last straw for me

Keepmewarm Sun 19-Jan-20 04:24:45

She needs to go. Put your husband and children first. She’s an adult.

HouseworkAvoider10 Sun 19-Jan-20 04:34:29

Yep tell her a leaving date.
No giving in.
Out she goes.

OhioOhioOhio Sun 19-Jan-20 04:38:02

How can you make her move out?

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Sun 19-Jan-20 04:38:55

If she was behaving respectfully, gratefully and doing the agreed babysitting I would give her a bit of grace. But she’s not.

npowerarebastards Sun 19-Jan-20 04:45:47

Your husband is a saint. Tell her to jog on. I suppose she should get some leeway as she's going through a stressful time but enough is enough.

whitebowls Sun 19-Jan-20 04:52:19

Familiarity breeds contempt, as the old proverb says.
Yes, it's time for her to go back to your parents. Sounds like she's acting like your teenage child and not your adult sister.
You have the ideal reason this morning to say it's time to go. Her being angry that you'd locked up and not following your wishes to contact her if she's going to be late etc is not acceptable. She should have been apologetic.
End this now before it all gets ugly. And it will, if she stays. And save your relationship. Speak to your parents too and explain.
Your kind act has been lost and has obviously, in her opinion, become her right.

SheilaBruce Sun 19-Jan-20 04:54:38

I'd be surprised if the 6-weeks deadline has even registered with her.

I think you need to have a frank discussion as soon as her hangover has subsided.

willowmelangell Sun 19-Jan-20 05:02:22

Give her two weeks notice.( "dsis, you don't need to be here now. It was only temporary. Time is up.") Mark it on the calendar.
Give your DH a big hug for being more than reasonable.
Start those nursery decorating plans!

Creepster Sun 19-Jan-20 05:21:12

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby?

Get your parents to take her back. ASAP.

WillLokireturn Sun 19-Jan-20 05:31:57

She works you up at 34 weeks pregnant banging on door 4am as you'd locked up having not told you she'd be coming back middle of night. Then shouted at a pregnant woman in anger??

Oh ... she ..goes .tomorrow!!!!

Seriously pack her bags, give her 3 days notice and she goes home to mum. DSis is behaving badly like an ungrateful teenager, has no job no reason to be with you and gas outstayed her welcome.

She really mustn't put your marriage or baby's health at risk like tuis.

She doesn't need much notice, 2,3 days and she can catch bus, train or tube home. She can do a trip each day as she isn't working to take her stuff. But I'd use the verbal aggression towards pregnant you and how she almost woke toddler up early hours this morning - as a final straw that she goes today and picks up rest of her stuff in bits each day. You ca use your nesting instincts to help clear out her room. Take her key back or change locks by end of those 3 days and breathe a sigh of relief.

Orchardgreen Sun 19-Jan-20 05:34:36

Just tell her that the whole of Mumsnet say she has to go.

SnowsInWater Sun 19-Jan-20 05:40:44

I too would be surprised if she has any intention of leaving before the baby is born. Tell her she needs to move back home next weekend. You are either being a saint or a pushover 😃

MyOtherProfile Sun 19-Jan-20 05:46:46

Has she made a start at all in looking for somewhere for once baby comes? She needs to go a couple of weeks before the due date whatever, since babies rarely come on time. Or is she going to babysit while you give birth???

GiveHerHellFromUs Sun 19-Jan-20 05:54:48

If she's not working how's she affording to pay for nights out but not contributing to the household? She's got no commitments right now so buy her train ticket, help her pack her bags and let your parents know to expect her this evening.

justilou1 Sun 19-Jan-20 06:04:22

Aaaaaaaand she’s out!

user1497997754 Sun 19-Jan-20 06:08:34

You need to prioritise you and your hubby and family. She needs to leave

Blondebakingmumma Sun 19-Jan-20 06:17:49

Oh wow! I wouldn’t even give her 2 weeks. Tell her it’s time to go this weekend as you need to set up the baby’s room (paint, buy new furniture and get ready Incase the baby comes early).

custardbear Sun 19-Jan-20 06:20:55

So she's not even doing a tempt job ?!

Tell her she's got to go home to your parents and think of another plan, she's got 6 weeks to find a job and secure a home and enough money to pay for it - ain't gonna happen! She may as well return to your parents to sort herself out and get her life on track, use last night as your lever to start the conversation as it was unacceptable and frankly they last straw

glowingtwig Sun 19-Jan-20 06:25:41

She's taking advantage because you're so nice! It's time for her to go. You won't get this last little bit of time as a family of 3 back again. Tell her tomorrow and stay firm when she tries to change your mind!

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