DD friend not allowed to visit our house(65 Posts)
Hi all, just need a bit of perspective on this as not quite sure what to do. We have moved quite a bit in the past few years and recently moved back home to Glasgow and got the kids settled in schools. DD13 found it hard to adjust initially and took a while to settle and make new friends. All good now as she has finally found a lovely friend at school, both same interests and both agree that they hate Love Island haha!
Anyway, DD quite often goes over to her friends after school and she is desperate to have her friend over to ours - just wants to show her room which she has recently decorated herself (well chosen anyway)!! She has invited her friend numerous times and always an excuse, too busy, need to be home for family stuff, got a thing on at church and so on. I told DD to be patient and respect her friends schedule but it's now 6 months down the line so DD eventually got her to agree to come over today for lunch and spend a couple of hours chilling. This was agreed then she received a text from friend saying she couldn't come over as her gran had googled and found we live next to a homeless shelter. Now we don't at all, we live in a normal residential area with families, a mix of all walks of lives from professionals to people on benefits. Yes, there is a housing association house in the area but so what!! I text to say I can speak to gran/mum to reassure but she just says they say no but can they meet in town (Glasgow City Centre) to go shopping.
DD is vey upset and feels that she isn't good enough for her and is quite angry. She is also afraid of losing the friendship if she says anything. FYI, DH has met both parents when picking her up so it's not as if they have no clue who we are. I have also met friend and offered to call parents. Any advise on how to handle? Sorry so long!
No advice, other than to say the friend’s family sound bonkers. Are you sure there’s nothing more to it? When I was at school I had a Muslim friend who wasn’t allowed to come to my house, presumably in case we served her non-halal foods.
Would it be worth you calling her parents and putting their mind at ease?
Could you offer to meet the parents and both your children somewhere neutral so they get to know you first?
Do you think the friend is telling the truth? Maybe she just doesn't want to come over? Definitely confirm this homeless shelter stuff with the parents/gran. It sounds like a bit of a crap excuse to me OP.
I'd let your dd decide how to proceed and just support her.
You mentioned church, are they part of a very strict Christian group?
In your shoes I'd try not to take it personally, it may well not be and, most importantly, it is almost certainly not the friend's choice.
Encourage your dd maybe to realize that families can have different views but if this girl really want to be her friend, and your dd wants to be her friend too, then just to work around it.
And I really like Brenna24's idea too.
Why don’t you ring the mum and ask why her daughter isn’t allowed over? You’ll know if it’s some bullshit excuse then.
Thanks for replies. Inviting all the family would be hard as they are a family of 6 with a disabled child who doesn't like change. We are also a family of 6 with a disabled child too, I thinks that's why they get on so well as very similar.
Agent - I did offer to call but they said not necessary. I was thinking of the religion thing but we are both Christian families. I've never come across this before and with 4 have regularly hosted friends of the kids with no issues. We're just a normal family, always respect others and would never do anything that made someone uncomfortable, it's just sad to see DD being excited to spend time with her friend and then it to be taken away. She spent ages planning what they would do, what they would have for lunch, what things she'd show her friend and so on! Teenagers eh!
'almost certainly not the friend's choice.' I am saying this because it seems logical that the objection is coming from others (gran or parents etc) but I could be wrong and it could be from the girl herself.
When my dd was younger we had the opposite problem. We invited a friend over a few times and never got an invite back. Later we found it was because of some negative things my dd had said! Which she probably had not meant but which had been taken the wrong way.
I've noticed whenever the children had religious friends, they would never accept invitations to our house (whereas others would). I was raised by a religious mother, and I was never allowed to play at friends houses who weren't of the same religion. Of course I couldn't tell them that, so made up various excuses. I'm not religious now in the slightest.
It is the parents who won't let her so it is best to stop pressing her.
That was obvious from the first series of excuses.
Help them sort out way to maintain the friendship without getting her in trouble with her parents.
Thanks everyone, all points I've considered too. DH spent some time at their house and had a good chat with the mum who was keen for the girls to spend more time together. It just seems a weird excuse to talk about a homeless shelter and to be honest makes me uncomfortable that they'd judge an area on that basis, where are the Christian values in that?
If the friend has said not to call then it sounds as if she’s the one making excuses and doesn’t want to be caught out by you calling her parents.
The best thing to do is respect what her friend says, don't call. If she doesn't want to come over for some reason then she won't come. I wouldn't get involved, as it certainly seems to me her friend doesn't want to come over and it would be wrong to potentially put her in an uncomfortable position.
AllHeart1, yes this is what I was thinking. When I text to say can I call she immediately text back saying no, definitely no time to go gran/mum and ask. Also, she had being saying she wanted to come over so DD wasn't pressing, I was conscious of that and did say to wait till her friend was ready. DH also discussed with the mum about having her over and she apparently seemed more than happy and said let's arrange something after Christmas which is what we did.
I think everyone's advise is spot on and I will tell DD to let it go and that maybe she just isn't ready yet to visit or maybe just can't do it when it comes to it for whatever reason. They get along nicely and that's what she needs to focus on. Thanks again.
X- post Phil, you're right. I didn't call as that could have really upset the girl. I just wish she had said from the beginning she doesn't feel comfortable visiting although she does go to other friend's houses and DD and her are apparently best friends - so hard to decipher!
Encourage new friendships as well as this one. Get her to invite a small group of classmates to your home in the next month for a few hours
Any chance of throwing an early birthday party this year for Dd?
Maybe tell your Dd to respect other parents or grandparents wishes. If the other teen's nana gets to cancel her 13 year old granddaugher's plans based on prejudice, that seems very wierd.
I was like this when I was younger. My parents were quite strict and never let me do anything other teenagers did. I was embarrassed by this so I made up excuses to cover (such as the homeless shelter).
Your DDs friend may not be allowed over to any friends’ houses and she’s trying to hide that fact.
I have a friend/colleague like this. She doesn't allow her daughter to visit outside the extended family. Perfectly pleasant people but very strict boundaries for daughter.
I have no issue if they aren't comfortable, I get that some families have different boundaries but why say all along they want to come and then at the very last minute pull out with a silly excuse. I hope it is coming from the friend as I can understand that at that age they can say and do things that are not quite appropriate!
Midsumma - good advice, it's just taking time for DD to integrate and feel confident to approach other friendship groups. She only joined the school in April last year so the groups were pretty much set. She is starting some new clubs soon so hopefully she can meet other people there and have more friends to spend time with along with her school friend. The irony is that the friend wants her to go to her house at least once a week which means a 40 minute round trip to pick up DD as it's then too late for her to take the train home as too dark. We've been accommodating this for months to help the friendship build so we'll see how things go. Thanks again everyone.
Not nice of the friend to say you live next to a homeless shelter. Even if it's true, one should have the manners of NOT telling it to your daughter's face. Tell your daughter to find other pasture! Or perhaps, this family is very safety conscious. Some people are just paranoid and it is NOT your fault or your daughter's fault. My son used to say his friend grew up in a project and I gave him a good telling off as I had tons of good friends who grew up in project. It's the family upbringing that counts.
Do tell them that you don't live next to a homeless shelter. You could find something dodgy near her area and report back to her, for example, the nearest prison. Doesn't have to be next to her house. This will make her think how she has hurt you. These people need to be taken down a notch. Nothing better than making her think laterally.
Don't bother asking again. I said to my daughter lasy year, I would take her and a friend trick or treating, even spoke to the other parent about it. Daughter's friend said her mom said no because their religion doesn't believe in it?! 🙄 I don't know why people let religion control their lives and just let kids just be kids.
It could be a control thing from the other girl if she knows your DD doesn’t have any other friends, to keep her hanging on iyswim.
I’d definitely be encouraging other friendships.
We had great same op. Ds friend was not allowed round because we lived in a rough area with translates to there are a few council houses near us!!!! This is despite DH teaching at the school.
Some people are total snobs unfortunately
Is it because they are church going Christians and you are not?
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